Get a twin room, media!

Sex, sex, sex!

That's all it has been these few weeks. Despite being an avid reader of News of the Screws, and lapping up who's dunnit with who this week, TTG is finding it all rather tiresome.

First it was William Hague and the alleged sexual aid he was getting from his aide - all because he thought it wise to save a bundle of cash or two by sharing a room while out campaigning. But apparently this innocent gesture led to all kinds of peoples' dirty minds whirring at an alarming rate as hundreds scorned the Foreign Sec for wanting to cut costs. TTG sends out her support to all those embroiled in this alleged 'scandal' or bedgate.

Then Tony Blair thought he would etch in our heads the most horrific image in since Human Caterpiller - his love life. between the sheets. with cherie. Now Terrible Tory Girl has had enough of lothario Tone's sexual healing boasts after unfortunately coming across a copy of The Sun in 2005 where the then PM revealed him and Cherie celebrated winning the election by adding four knots on the bedpost that night. TTG is still haunted by this.

No wonder Dublin threw eggs and bottles at Blair. No one needs to or ever wants to hear about you being a hot lover ... wait while TTG brings up the bile over that one.

And of course, not forgetting a balding footy pro who put his foot in it (and his football brain) by hooking up with a hooker. Now none of any of the above involved in these sex scandals are in TTG's public interest, namely because they aren't exactly the people your everyday person will think about in a lusty fashion. Sorry Will, but you're just not TTG's type.

So media, get a twin room... unless of course it's a double page spread of any of the following in their pants:

-Gerard Butler
-Colin Firth
-Johnny Depp
-George Osborne (?)

Blair's EU dream might be over in a FLASH

... The German Iron Lady Merkel isn't a fan of our man in Europe, reportedly speaking with disdain of seeing "Mr Flash" all the time. Flash with our cash, Tone, can hardly count support from our isles either. His only backer is Brown and as any budding sports fan will admit is a recipe for disaster with his curse.

Do us a favour, Merkel and "I heart Brown" Sarko, vote him out. Anyone but Blair bitte, si vous plait.

Now to get rid of that dastardly Lisbon Treaty. Keep up the opposition, Victor Klaus. Britain wants you to stand firm.

EXCLUSIVE: Tony Blair wins Presidency

Winner of US Election 2008: Tony Blair

Well the votes haven't yet been all been penned but TTG has a sneaky suspicion, not influenced by the polls whatsoever, that changeling Obama is next to step into the Presidents' hot seat.

While TTG was convinced the Old Arrogant POW (OAP) would have his dying moments in the Oval as Mrs Palin gets off her knees to announce herself as the US Pres, TTG was utterly butterly wrong.

In the midst of capitalist collapse and rich bankers having to trade in their exec cars for a model three years older, it seems the world would rather have the last laugh and giggle at the expense of rich sods losing their cash to the wind.

Apparently Socialism is their preferred solution... despite that when Capitalism last crashed on its costly anus, the rise of the Reds left us with not a lot to play with. One Cold War and plenty of sateillite countries brainwashed by Romanov Ruskis.

Still, if the Yanks prefer to believe that they will sit in a hippy drum circle, holding hands with Proles and billion dollar men, each with the same pay packet and free health care at the touch of a button, then go ahead. Vote Obama.

He's an affable geezer, yes, but how long will it be 'til this Disney dream prince novelty wears off?
For behind the words and the sexy striped suits, lies inexperience, and a very American Tony Blair.

He is a wide-eyed twenty something intern, convinced the world's woes can be remedied with a flash of his seductive smile. That poverty can somehow be reversed with a speech. Just like his pal Tone, the man whose risks and oratory took Britain to its knees before he buggered off to cash in on the UK's misera.

Good luck America, this vial of truth will be hard to swallow, but you're the next world power to fall for one man.




An anthem for doomed booths

Little donkey, little donkey on the campaign road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

Been a long time, little donkey, through the election night

Dont give up now, little donkey,

Washington's in sight

Swing out those votes tonight

Washington, Washington

Follow that Red Star tonight

Washington, Washington

Little donkey, little donkey, had a levy day

Little donkey, carry Marx safely on his way

Little donkey, little donkey, journey's end is near

There are yes-men waiting for a sign to bring them here

Do not falter little donkey, there's a Red star ahead

It will guide you, little donkey, to DC ahead.

Rig out those votes tonight

Washington, Washington

Follow that Red star tonight

(to) Washington, Washington

Little donkey, little donkey, had a levy day

Little donkey, carry Marx, safely on his way

Little donkey, carry Marx, safely on his way

Archbishop of Canterbury '08

Dear Chrits, proles and the secular scores,

After the shocking revelation that the Anglican Chief is an undercover Musulman, after being caught handing out Islamophile leaflets and slamming Bibles into his furnace, Chrit Brits (all four of them) have got in the across the pond presidential spirit and have now embarked on a nationwide search for a replacement. (preferably not an Islamic Imam this time round.)

The owl-spectacled unHoly one first sparked controversy after proclaiming his love for the tree-adulters-pagan-ponces, the druids from Way-aus.

Since then, the self-confessed "hairy leftie" has taken great pains to dismiss the Bible, the nativity, ignore pilgrim pleas, put homosexuals on the pedestal and frankly support any faction that doesn't engross in Genesis.

Apparently the man, who fooled us into thinking he was the next protestant prophet on the throne, also holds dearly the view that terrorists are just like us, with "moral aims" and are certainly "not evil."

TTG saw the first signs of his conversion to Islam after Mr Rowan Will-Imams' began growing his beard and reading passages from the Qu'ran to the congregation.

As his five year anniversary sneaks up, what better way to celebrate his quinque horrendi anni (forgive the poor latin) than to shed his body (theoretically of course) and welcome the new covenant - i.e someone actually biblical.

It's the time to no longer crucify Rowan Will-Imams in the media, but for him to rise again in a new post, preferably not in God's sect.

Archbishop of Canterbury '08 - Who Will Be Your Protestant Pastor For Canterbury?

Here are the favourites to win (no gambling rates - us Chrits don't do such a thing)

1) Yorkie - The Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, was tipped back in 2003 to be the next Archbishop but narrowly lost to the Cymraegian. You may remember him from such BBC broadcasts where he ripped off his dog collar on air in protest against Robert Mugabe.

Pro: Christian

Con: He's not back at work yet as he's waiting for action to be taken against Mugabe.

2) The 'Mohammad Ali' of Christianity - Bishop of York, Michael Nazir-Ali, recepient of death threats and calls on his life for a Telegraph essay noting "no-go" areas.

Pro: Actually is Christian; has balls

Con: No support from politicians/ other faith groups

3) Care-a-lot - Ex Archbishop Lord George Carey allowed women to become priests, failed his eleven-plus and was picked by Maggie T.

Pro: Knows the ropes - Been in the job before; Doesn't want Sharia law

Con: Might be rusty after five years; now 72; called for humane treatment of Chile dictator, Pinochet.

4) Tony Bliar - Well, he's adaptable, flexible, can inspire the masses and apparently he's Christian after all.

Pro: He's one hell of a preacher!

Con: It's Tony Blair........

5) - Richard "Carbon"Chartres - The Bishop of London, the pro-green preacher, was deemed important enough to feel the wrath of Ryanair boss, Michael O'Leary: "The Bishop of London has got empty churches - presumably if no one went on holidays perhaps they might turn up and listen to his sermons. God bless the bishop!"

Pro: Been in post for an impressive 12 years

Con: Seems to be easily taken in by guv' propoganda judging by his no-carbon Lent pledge.

Get in on the action by visiting our sister site - http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=8759332774

Kind regards,

Terrible Tory Girl

Spews On The News January 21-22

TTG comes to readers practising what she is preaching - spewing and subsequent nausea, was not however, what she had in mind.


Northern Cock-Up

As Brown dithers around in communist communal ground, presumably for tips on how to rule Britain on the same guidelines, the public back here wait to discover the fate of Northern Rock. No need to follow the news readers, TTG told you all - click here for an insight in TTG's crystal ball.

(May TTG point out that Cammy got to Chinatown before you Brown - TTG understands it is difficult for Slave Labourites to use the power of own thought, but perhaps you should resolute this year to crack up your cranium and do some real work rather than steal others' ideas, whether it be the Mandarin kind or Conservative. )


On Yer Bike

Kelly Goat Gruff laments on television this morning that her husband hasn't bought her a bike after wise reporter catches the Labour Light gal without her two-wheeled friend. This, when this Minister of Transport announces £14 million odd to encourage us to get on our bikes.
Apparently it's all about choice - as says Gruff. TTG would like to make a democratic choice and er have a spin in her ministerial car.

The Devil Wears Poppy

TTG doesn't know the ins and outs of the thoughts of the populace but Bye-Bye Blair's portrait is a work of an art for those satanists out there. TTG had to double take after seeing his Tartarian grimace - is that the first recorded photo of Lucifer?

See the picture horribilis here.


Jeremy Breaks Pax On M&S

As the hardhead Newsnighter attacks M&S on its selection of smalls, TTG would like to break her own silence of Rose's cloth line spectacular.

Why TTG cannot speak for the, er ,support factor of the nether regions by M&S Y-fronts, on the sheer quality TTG can sure hell orate!

While still a teen bopper, M&S managed to entice the Ms Terrible Tory into investing in a pair of frankly beautiful aviator booties, fit for all types of obscure English weather, with sturdy rubber heels and understatedly easy on the feet...all this for £29.95.

Now That's What I Call Music to my ears and pocket.

(TTG would like to point out that she was not endorsed by the store to give such salutations - M&s is just truly mighty like that)

Tony is back!

Yes you've heard it right. Bliar is back, not on English soil but up to no good in the EU.

TTG pardons her french but here below is the email sent to me from the peuple gentils at the UMP (Sosexy's party)

"Samedi 12 janvier 2008, de 9h00 à 13h00,
suivez en direct le conseil national de l'UMP
en présence de Tony Blair et de Nicolas Sarkozy
Premier grand moment fort de l'année 2008, ce Conseil national sera l'occasion de lancer la campagne pour les élections municipales des 9 et 16 mars prochains.
A trois semaines de la ratification du Traité de Lisbonne par le parlement français, la question des réformes en Europe sera également au cœur des débats.
Tony BLAIR et Nicolas SARKOZY prendront la parole sur ce sujet.

Alors, ne manquez pas ce rendez-vous !" (don't miss this meeting!)

Translation : in a nutshell, Tony Blair campaigns to win EU presidential election bid.

No, it doesn't say that but France might as well pick up that white surrender flag of theirs and wave it around a bit.

One question however, why would ANYONE even La France celebrate the fact that the "I'm-really-a-Catholic-honest" weasel is to discuss and campaign about the Lisbon Treaty.

TTG wouldn't let Tony Blair anoint her feet with his hair-raising mop (as ordoned on the Daily Express cover) in typical Catholic tradition, let alone allow him near any elections/treaties/official work.

Just a small alteration to the french anthem when the day comes, and it shall, when God's earth will witness the 11th plague, the plague of Blairism.

Le jour de gloire n'est pas arrive!

In other news Tony Blair's got a new job - £50,000 a week at a bank -suits him well.

Spews On The News - December 10-11

Terrible Tory Girl returns to the parody after a night to not remember (clearly). *Hic*


1) Surprise, Surprise goes to Iraq

Surprise, Surprise with your host Cilla Brown, staged in the lovely Iraq. In our special continental edition, your favourite prime time TV whore, surprises the public again with a policy u-turn bonanza.

My visit to the picturesque town of Basra was kept under wraps and journalists gagged. Here public is your surprise.

Mums, sprogs and teens, your fighters won’t be back for Christmas. Surprise, surprise! But don’t fret, 2,000 will be back in time for next Yuletide at our rate.

Although they may well already be back in your arms. Ooo surprise, surprise, yet more spin.

Stay tuned for more policy surprises from your wonderfully attirant Cilla Brown where we pick three impressionable stationed troops to downplay arms shortages and the fact that I only months before refused to be identified with the Basil Fawlty war. Surprise, surprise.


http://uk.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUKL0924956420071209?sp=true




2) The Phantom of Westminster

The story of Blairik, a politically deformed ex primo, who still haunts the catacombs of Westminster. Blairik was forced on to the streets after ten years of lies, deceit and treachory. Betrayed by his 12 year long companion, Gordistine, Blairik plots behind the scenes to reak his revenge.

The Chamber's new rising star, primo donno, Gordistine, sings for his Scottish supper in the similar show's top hit, The Phantom of Westminster.

Here's the song in its entirity.


Gordistine:

In public he hanged me
In no 10, the same
no choice of own policy
ten years of disdain
And do I scheme again?
For now I find
The phantom of the Commons is Blair,
with axe to grind.

Blairik:

String along voters with me
with constant threat,
My power is not through,
Don’t you that forget.
And though you turned freely
let me remind
The phantom of the Commons is despaired
and I do mind

Gordistine:

Those shown your fall from grace,
Drew back with cheer
I am your heir, Mr Blair

Blairik:

It's you they smear

Both: Your/my acting and your/my liesmade me/you resign
The phantom of the Commons is Blair
with axe to grind

Chorus:

He’s back, the phantom of the Commons?
Despair the phantom of the Commons.

Blairik:

In all your fantasies you always threw
That iron fist for all to see

Gordistine:

You haven’t a clue!

Both:

And in this labrinth
Where truth is confined
The Phantom of the Commons is Blair

Gordistine:

With axe to grind

Gordistine:

He's Blair the Phantom of the Commons .


3) Yorkie - Not for Archbishop Sentamu

TTG has witnessed pure heroism and on BBC, of all channels. Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, ripped off his dog collar on air with Mr Marr, cutting it into pieces in protest at monster-like Mugabe.
Read more of the story on the Guardian devil’s link - http://www.guardian.co.uk/uklatest/story/0,,-7139237,00.html
Do your bit for Sentamu. Donate, protest and eat Yorkies.
Take a Yorkie bar - it’s not for wimps - cut off wrapper sleeve into pieces, take the chocolate and break. Distribute to the congregation. This is his body which is shed for you for the forgiveness of cowardice, do this in remembrance of his Marr feat.