Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Voting Out Ken For A Hero

Voting out Ken for a hero - A song tribute to the man we should all cross for our next Mayor. Make the Right choice, vote the bouffant Boris.

Besides gentlemen prefer blondes.

Sing along to the song, Voting out Ken for a hero, which sounds so very similar to Bonnie Ty's Holding out for a hero....uncanny.

Voting out Ken for a hero

Where have all the bad men gone
And where are all the quods?*
Where's the safe street Boricules
to fight the thieving squads?

Isn't there a blue knight upon a routemaster bus?
Late at night I toss and turn and yearn
of what I trust

We need Boris,
We're voting out Ken for a hero not for a fright,
He's gotta be blue
And he cannot be last
And he's gotta be fresh, not a krait.**
We need Boris
We're voting out Ken for a hero, not an anti-semite
He gotta be our cure,
and sing a new tune,
And he's gotta be larger than life.

Somewhere after poll night,
in my wildest fantasy,
somewhere in his maiden speech,
Boris won't be breaching our decree,
Racing on no blunder and not rising with cheat,
it's gonna take a Toryman to make me walk my street.


Up where City hall meets bureaucracy from above,
out where there's splits in the Assembly,
I would swear that there's a suitable mayor,
Boris is he!

Through the wind end the chill and the rain
And the crowd and the crud,
I can feel his blue vote,
cross the box, it's no dud.


*Quod - jail
**Krait - poisonous snake

Vote Boris and click here to see why.

Sing a long to the tune here

* P.S. Here's who TTG voted for

Mayor choice 1: Boris Johnson
Mayor choice 2: Matt O Connor (English Democrats)
London Assembly (East and City) - Phillip Briscoe (Conservative)
London Assembly (London-wide) - Christian Alliance

If you have any questions on why TTG voted in this way or complaints that she didn't instead help vote back in red Ken or his comradry, please do leave a message here.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It's St.Georgggge's Day! Get out your flags, countrymen!

While the Government continues to pretend that England doesn't exist and tries to spurn our patron saint, may we all rise today in jubilation for our country, our pays, our motherland.

England uber alles, eine England fur alles.

Celebrate it with style, men, women, compatriots be it with flags formerly associated with the drunkard football hooligan, or with quiet reserved patriotic pride with English ordaned pants and muttering Happy St George's Day as you pass strangers in the rain.

Praise be to our patron saint - St George.

Happy St. George's Day to you, and you and you and also Bosnia, Catalonia, China...all those who choose to spend their April 23 remembering George.

Here's Jerusalem.

- Listen to Jerusalem, er, sung by the Welsh Patriotic Choir hehe

P.S. Good Gord! Prem Broon has put up St. George's flag! May he next time also recognise the status of the national holiday it so deserves.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Who Ate All The Lies?

Picture stolen from

After cashing in on tax payers and expenses, Prezza aka Two Jags, Two Shags, John Compressalot, is now attempting to cash in on the book industry with his memoirs.

More explosive than his two year fling with his dingaling 20 years junior, junior secretary, Prescott reveals his torment that has plagued and shadowed his years too long in government - that of peculimia.

Peculimia n - the binging of cash and throwing it up again on oneself

Away from the nine odd house, two Jags and sordid shags at the expense of Mr Taxpayer, it was revealed earlier this month that Ole Jags counted £4,000 of our pennies on food alone for the year 2003/4.

Our money really did go down the drain, eh, readers?

*Read all about John Prescott and his addiction to money, TTG means food on Telegraph

Saturday, April 19, 2008 Student Finance Direct

TTG reckons her 5 minute logo is quite fitting

With still no pennies in her piggy bank but plenty in Brown's pink coffer, TTG decided to write an angry email to her chums at studentfinancedirect, the bastards behind my poverty. Here is the letter, entrails and all.

[F]ART ID: Some twelve pointless numbers

Saturday, April 14, 2008,

Dear whoever it may concern or perhaps loan sharks would be a better term,

In your helpful leaflet on how to make a complaint, you suggest that “problems can usually be settled most quickly and easily by simply telephoning the department you have been dealing with” but I beg to differ. Rather than waste my day sitting on hold with phone attached to my scalp, I thought it better use to write this email as I have more important things to do such as find spare crumbs to eat and revise for exams – a situation made even more the worse thanks to your complete disregard for the humans behind the numbers to whom you dish insufficient cash, sporadically and belated.

As you probably won’t know, I am a final year student who instead of concentrating on revision, dissertations and exams at this crucial time can only preoccupy about her state of financial affairs as surprise, surprise the lovely individuals who deal with our loans have not stopped to consider that a cash injection should coincide with the exam period. Now, like so many other students who are bound and survive only by the meagre offerings of the bone collectors at student finance direct, I begin to wonder what ever was the point of embarking on a degree that will not grant a job, that has left me broke beyond repair and heavily indebted to the state.

I believed, perhaps idealistically that with your ties to the Government’s higher education department that you would have a shared responsibility to nurture the next generation of skilled workers.

Because it takes your diligent team around ten days to respond at best, here are my suggestions to help others when they are hooked, lined and sinkered for an idyllic dream of success and livelihood that does not exist.

1) One date for all – All students irrespective of their location, whether their loans are assessed or not should be given a simple date on when to expect their loan. I understand that because of “security” that you give random dates and leave the recipients in the complete dark. But be practical, who would want to steal a student loan, it’s a burden to bear and students aren’t exactly rolling in cash.

2) Publish said dateContinuing in the same strand as my last point, this date should be available to all and perhaps even put on the website or sent to students via letter in advance preferably. The ART ID system is shamelessly bureaucratic – what average person, let alone a student, is in near proximity to such codes, secret answers, questions when they make a call and who in their right mind would be able to remember them?

3) Contacting student finance direct should be made simpler – I feel you should be able to complain or make a query without having to delve into door high piles of paperwork. Perhaps you could require official identification instead such as passport number or driving license if worried about imposters.

4) Consider students from poorer backgrounds in futureThere should be provision for students who cannot depend on their families for support if loan hasn’t yet come –especially for freshers as often university accommodation for the term has to be paid in full before classes as well as a deposit. Please bear this in mind in future.

If I haven’t provided enough information for you to identify myself, I’m afraid my internet password, my secret internet password, my answer, my secret answer, my secret question and the rest are too obscure to remember.

I wait with impatience for your slow reply,

Kind regards,

Francesca Preece

* Anyone prepared to make some bets on how long it takes them to send a generic email?

UPDATE: TTG bets 11 days judging by this email:

Thank you for your email dated 19 April 2008.

We administer student loans in accordance with the Student Loans Regulations, which have been set by parliament. We have no discretion over the application of the regulations. Your concerns about policy, such as the level of funding awarded to students and the financial support offered to students from poorer backgrounds, should be addressed to our governing body, the Department of Innovation, Universities and Skills (DIUS) directly. You can contact them at

Your comments concerning the dates that payments are made to students have been noted. We work closely with universities and colleges to establish the dates that courses start. We schedule payment of student support on the basis of the term dates that we have been provided. If you think that the dates on which you have been paid do not relate to your own course dates then please advise me and I will be happy to investigate this on your behalf.

I am sorry that you have experienced difficulties with the ART ID system. However, the security of our customer’s data is of paramount importance. We advise our customers to ensure that they keep their ART ID, password and secret answer safe, as this information is required to access your account online and when you call us. If you have forgotten your password or secret answer you can have new security details sent to your e-mail address by clicking on ‘Forgotten your details?’ from the login page on the Student Finance Direct website.

I am sorry for any difficulties you have experienced when you have tried to contact Student Finance Direct. We are currently reviewing the methods of contact available to our customers and plan to offer an improved service to all our customers once this review is complete.

Thank you for taking the time to bring your concerns to my attention. If you require any further information then please contact me.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Spews on the News April 16

Separated at dearth. Mugabe long lost ideological twin of Prem Brown
Picture stolen and edited slightly from:


To cite Meat Loaf "I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself" when it comes to the crunch of Zimbabrown and the Labour peer who could say no. Here are the immortal words as they were written and told unto Moses in the Exodus of the Labour party:

"Brown was put on earth to remind people how good Tony Blair was."

While TTG wouldn't stoop as low as praising Bliar, that Labour anon bloke has got it in one - only took them nine months to work it out, while here at TTG's abide, it took a second.

He also added, much to TTG's amusement that Brown's style of leadership was comparable to "porridge, or maybe haggis. It is not very persuasive if you don't already agree with him."

D'oh Good Gord, even your Vapour friends are leaving your deathside - perhaps it is better you start humming one of those sad Scotland songs you rave on about. Or even 'go now'. It goes something like....'Get lost'

* In a laughable concept, Brown has urged leaders big and small to rise up against Mugabe who has "stolen" the election in Zimbabrown. Funny he says that, TTG doesn't recall Mr Brown paying for his premiership - where were the leaders then to police this man who broke into 10 Downing Street, set up camp, took the British people hostage and stole power?

Yes the Daily Mail may once have called you "hyper" but TTG adds "crit".

Loan Sharks

TTG is not amused and she has a funny suspicion the government is behind it. In short, the student loan, the pathetic pennies stowed to pauper students to live off, haplessly, while they study a degree that won't get them any further in the job market/dream, has not been delivered.
While TTG juggles Mr D.Issert, and Mr E.Xam, she can look forward to several more weeks of eating beans, toast Louis Pasteur would be proud of. To add to this utter misery, TTG hasn't the faintest when the money will come as she has lost her FArt ID and her secret password and secret combination and secret question and all the bureaucratic rubbish you must know just to discover how far from the poverty bread line you really are.

What makes the whole system absurd and prone to malfunction and meltdown is that each student is given a different date of cash delivery, lest some sneaky bastard discover your codes through all your paperwork and is just that desperate enough to prey on your pathetic sum of pounds.

Well done Government for thinking of your next generation of skilled workers through these testing times of exam and essays. Vote the Government, they really Labour for you.

Spring glean at the Telethatch

After months of the Telegraph pulling up its roots and packing off to Scotland in the guv's gravy train following the arrival of immigrant Scowling Scot, the Torygraph is back!

The Telethatch evidently has realised too soon that Brown is actually, as common sense will tell you, a complete and utter imbecile, unfit to even lead his greying hair let alone a country.

May TTG pause to thank God for the second coming of the Telegraph back to nurture its blue roots with a sprinkle of thatcherism trickling between its pages. To mark their return to the right, the Telethatch have launched a free DVD giveaway of all things Thatcher.

Be like a Thatcher and snatch up this mighty fine deal for the Tory and non-Tory alike.

For more info, check out their Thatch house- a section of their online paper dedicated to articles, cartoons and the like all shelfed under one roof.

Wacky Mayoral Races

Ole Kenny will be rolling out of his political grave with the fact that he may be reanimated into office thanks to Proportional Rubbish, a vote-fiddling political system that helps out swines like Livingmoan due to its utterly butterly confusing set-up.

How It Doesn't Work

To those who don't know, voters are given two votes - their first choice and their second choice. The voter should vote the best person for the job so tick the name next to Boris Johnson and for their second preference tick against Alan Craig, Gerrard Batten, Brian Paddick or anyone that doesn't begin with K.
The two candidates with the most votes will go head to head and the batch of second votes will be counted to see who scored the highest. The one with the most should then become Mayor.

That is of course the theory. But the Telegraph has done its very best to confuse its readers with the claim that Boris or Ken fans should cast their vote for their political heros as their second choice as its certain that the two will go head to head.

TTG is not convinced. Is the Telegraph secretly supporting one of the underdogs unheard of until now? Click here. but they have an ulterior agenda - they're trying to make the election swing to fill their pages. Tssk. Responsible journalism, eh?

As readers will know, there is one candidate very close to TTG's heart in these Wacky Races, Boris but TTG is in need of a second in command of her support.

1) Should it be Alan Craig - the Super-Chrit.

2) Or could Gerrard Batten - UKIP - be TTG's next in the election relay?

3) Brian Paddick - the ex-bobbie involved in the Brazil nut Menezes case?

Send me your suggestions by commenting on this week's blog or be influenced by Vote Match who said TTG should hand her right hand in support of UKIP.


Spitting Image is back baby and the sketches are just as savage, satisfying and outrageous. Accurate too.

Check out Brown and his faithful Darling in 2D form as they try to sort out their finances here
And impartial as all good journalists are, here are the Tories.
And don't forget Mugabe...

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Fight Club at the Commons

Doing the cyber milk rounds this week is the Tories ' blue tongue in cheek response to the bust up between Cabinet ex chums, small Balls and lost-his-Straw. Apparently ole Jack-in-the-money box did not appreciate a dose of public humiliation and threatened to punch the human slimeBall - a concept the public and TTG understand well particularly after his 'so what/so mean' Commons slur cover-up where the Kids minister threw his dummy out of his parliament pram and insisted on fiddling Hansard's records.

Since then, gally Bally has appeared on such swings like this one.

While the tabloids pounced with killer headline such as 'it’s Straw v Balls in ‘bust-up’ (Sun), 'Hard-hitting Balls?' (Guardian) and 'Balls. Any price' (TTG), the Tories took the story a little further by making an online game to perform banana stunts and lunges at Balls, or even his own pair.

Have a go on the punchball here.

TTG, while relishing the opportunity to punch the Labour lad square where the sun don't shine, feels it twas a shame that Straw did not draw the short one and do the public a favour by wiping that smarmy smile off his nauseating face.
As the Express said only yesterday, it would be a popular policy and one TTG would happily endorse, even if the thuggery is just representative comportement of those terrible tax leeches

What a Balls-up.

Only in a Labour Government, eh?

Thursday, April 03, 2008


In a special tribute to Maggie T, with her impressive eleven year stint in No. Ten, TTG has created a city named after her Mothership on a site she came across while Surfing in the UK.

Readers, with your help by visiting Thatcher online , you can help Mrs T rise again to her former greatness.

May Conservatism reign forever. Long live Thatcher.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Spews on the News April 2- 4

Guess who's back, back again, TTG's back, tell a friend

Welcome to this week's edition of the incredibly popular* Spews on the news.

With the past few days spent catching up on Allo Allo, dreaming and heading brave and brazen to this year's first Rocky Horror Picture Show singalong feature at Prince Charles, TTG has been all but preoccupied to sit and rant.

Back to her typical Tory tricks, TTG is again a fully fledged supporter of all things Conservative after a truly terrible 12 hour stint as a Labour luvvy for April's Fools. TTG wonders how the real rose clad clan cope for 365 days a year - perhaps hypnotism or subliminal messages in their broadcasts?

TTG would also like to take the time to apologise sincerely for falsely attributing Gordon Brown as a dreamboat in her last post. We, all of course, know such endearments referred to that particular Scowling Scot from the Westminster Loch network, are definitely defamatory - let's just stick to the basic insults as they at least have some truth to them.

Comme d'habitude on this terrible blog, here is the news, mostly read with provocation against the Non-Labour party. Amusez-vous, vous wont'cha?

Don't Mention The Queen

Vincie Cable, TTG's once preferred choice for the Liberal leadership, has been slammed by the Jurassics in the Labour Party for daring to mention the Queen's name. Michael Martin, the state's cash seeker, refused to allow Cable to ask the question that is currently doing the rounds in public life -

"It was reported this week that Her Majesty the Queen had cancelled her diamond wedding celebrations because it was judged to be inappropriate to engage in extravagance at a time of economic gloom and recession.
Do you share my view that this demonstrates Her Majesty's unerring instincts for the public mood, or does the Government think she was overreacting?"

Perhaps the wording was a little off, as of course one must never bring one into parliamentary debates but Cable raises a very valid point - if the Queen is rationing her lux life because she feels Britain's at an economic bust, then surely there is indeed a real economic crisis on the cards, n'est-ce pas?

But of course Labour, its languish luvvies and its 'ites have for years proclaimed the Messianic message of the enviable English economy while hushing-up the patrie's poverty by bringing in immigrant forces to vote in their favour. And adding to that, a national force feed of the policy of political correctness, the principle of censure through fear of insult.

Today, they exerted the hand of hush by refusing to answer the question on the basis of mentioning the word, Queen. In this logic, would Mr Speaker refuse these questions?

1) "What does the Government plan to do to ameliorate the impoverish and discriminate conditions of transvestites such as queen Bob Monkton in my constituency?

2) The Government cites that their economy record has grown steadily and not yet dipped after ten years of Labour in the driving seat. And am I the Queen of Sheba?

Sillyness aside, surely the fact that the Queen has publicly moved herself and her influence into the political sphere, then isn't it a sign that the Sovereign has modelled into a political rather than public figure? Thus, it should be legit to discuss her political actions if she chooses to stand in the political limelight.

Vincie, TTG sees your point.

The Pest Of Friends: Boris Wins BNP Vote

A bombshell this week for blonde bomb MP, Boris Johnson & Johnson. As he launched his Mayor Campaign officially, much to his dismay, the Bigot Nationalist Party have pledged their far-right hand in support of him, urging their own (hopefully very few) voters to cross their names next to him for their second vote.

Andrew Grice on his bloggy on the Independent website quoted the BNP crew-cut clan saying "In this race, the Tory clown Johnson is a lesser evil than the Marxist crank Livingstone," the BNP says, "so replacing the latter with the former would, on balance, be an improvement for the majority of Londoners."

D'oh just what every Tory does not need. Grice, however, in his write-up of the story, made an inlaudable claim that the Green Party "is much more respectable".
While TTG despises the bigots on the right, praising the Green Party is a stroke too far - considering that half of their vote demographic includes new-age-carrot-crunching-rhubarb-munching-green-peace-organic-eco-freak-hippies.
The Green Giants (certainly not in vote counts) are made worse still by their support of the anti-Semite- hypocrite-Livingmoan.

Serial Booker To Ferial Hooker

This was the Oxford smartie who went to university at 13, and gave up the books and brains for looks and monetary gains. It seems that intelligence just doesn't pay and it doesn't take a prodigy to work out that £130 an hour, laying on back, is far better than hitting dust-cladden books for a significantly inferior sum. For Sufiah Yusof, money can buy her love ;)

The Peckham Order: Harriet-No-Harm-Man In Vest Row

TTG, like most, would not like to hear about the goings on on Peckham's own Iscariot Harriet's chest. But the fact that a city's MP chooses to gear up in stab proof attire to visit her own constituency is a complete and utter joke.
Apparently she donned the tight fitting anti-stab top because the police told her to. She later compared the vest to wearing a builder's hat on a building sight or an Indian wearing a turban when er visiting some Indian event, apparently. Logical, she ain't.

One response from a Peckham resident made the point more strongly, suggesting that if she doesn't feel safe, why not represent a place like Chelsea?

Here's the quick reference guide to what happened when Harry Met Haguey, taken from the good people at London Lite

1)"Hague joked that if Harman dresses appropriately when she goes a a building site or a factory, "presumably when she goes to a cabinet meeting she goes dressed as a clown." 2) Harman said that if she needed advice on what to wear, "the very last person I'll look to for advice is the man in a baseball cap".

3)Hague added "If she thinks her constituents will kill her, she should look behind her."

Goodbye for now, TTG is off to count kittens and dream about Tim Curry in drag. Mmm

*Readership tallied on TTG's one hand

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

It Must Have Been Guv, But It's Change-over Now

Getting down and dirty with Labour's logo

To readers, the disgruntled Joe Bloggs and those who clicked here by accident, I have a confession to make: I'm not Tory.

For five years I have lived a lie, egged on by pushy pro-Tory parents into the Conservative cause. To please my mother, I put on a facade, appearing to believe in the principles of the past, to believe that past and present ducs of the party really were concerned of the poor.

So today I mark the end of my compassion for conservatism and proclaim from in the closet, my love for Labour, the party that labours for poverty and inequality. Sorry I meant against.

Readers, countrymen and women, raise your classes to dreamboat Brown and his wonderful cronies, Jacqui Smith who does a fine job in a bullet-proof vest in her constituency, Alastair Darling, the hairy hearthrob and Ed Balls, the man who certainly doesn't lack in his surname namesake!

Cheers Labour! Papal rules - time to switch political rosettes.

Bye bye Terrible Tory Girl and welcome Labour Luvver