Sunday, March 29, 2009

Mothercare changes name after dads row

BABY chain Mothercare plans to change its name to Parentcare after concerns that it excludes single dads.

The retailer, which was set up forty years ago, caved in to political pressure after hundreds of fathers complained they offered no help to dads.

The Single Males Association, or SMA for short, who were behind the landmark move, said members felt embarassed to buy maternity goods.

In an open letter on their website, Chairman of SMA Steve Creer said:

" Ten per cent of single parents are men yet you wouldn't know this if you walked into the Mothercare store. The store was set up by woman, and provides solely for women. Breast pads, panty liners and muscle relaxants are displayed in garish pink packaging or women on the label.

"Men are an integral part of the pregnancy process and more provision should be made in this day and age, to give fathers an equal footing."

Parentcare, who aim to display the new storename across all shops by the end of this year, plan to set up a paternity range for sympathy symptoms and a clothing line suitable for fathers on the go.

Creer added: "We at Single Males Association welcome the move by Parentcare,and hope that this is the beginning of the end of social exclusion."

A survey in 2001 found a quarter of single fathers were forced to quit their jobs after employers refused them paternity leave.

But last night, the store was accused of bowing down to pressure.

"This is political correctness gone mad", said mum of two, Kelly Marley. "Men can't have it both ways. Women have a natural bond with babies and besides they're the ones carrying them. Blokes don't have a clue of the pressure on mums. Grow a pair, men."

Natalie Gimber, from Ramsgate, Kent said: " My boyfriend had no problem buying nappies and cream. I think it's a bit over the top."

Parentcare were not available for comment.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Wacky Races to Lisbon

And now here they are in Brussels. (2007) The most daredevil group of 27 states competing to pass the ratification finish line.

They're off! The states, filled up with votes, make an impressive start.

And away they go on the wayout Wacky Races from Brussels to Lisbon. Each state vying to take home their concessions to the Lisbon Treaty.

Up front in the wacky races today is Hungary. Slovenia creeps shortly after with Malta and Romania.

Not far behind, France, Bulgaria, Austria and Slovakia take their cars up past the voting stage.

On their tail, state cars Portugal, Denmark and Latvia turn on their engines. Germany's surplus six tank follows at a deadly pace.

And up last are Dick Barroso and his sleazy money squeasy sidekick Gordon in the European Machine.

And even now they're up to some dirty trick (2008) They've switched the treaty direction and led them up the Constitution path!

Oh no. They're blocked, there's no way out now.

But what's this. Germany and Poland miss the shortcut and are taking the long way round.

Dick Barroso: "Drat and double drat, I'll have to force them down."

Gordon: "S-hee s-hee s-hee s-hee"

And here are the wacky racers. Number 1 Hungary is still in the lead. Dick Barroso and his sidekick Gordon trail behind.

But what's this? Ireland have blocked the path ahead with their bouldermobile. The Irish are really driving the message down to Brown with this one.

But is it enough to block the gruesome twosome's path?

Meanwhile further behind the Czechs are in trouble. Uh-oh. The Czech driver is pulled out of the race! Prime driver Topolanek is out of the running. What will the Czech mates do now?

Will Dick Barroso and Gordon reach the Treaty finishing line?

Stayed tuned for more Wacky Races. Only in Europe.

P.S To see Gordon's trademark snigger, watch our right hand man Dan Hannan in the Tory Terrific puncture him in his Tuesday speech!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Do something funny for money ... be a Labour PM

D'oh it was that time again when Gordy gets out the public purse, takes out the last measel of metal and hands it over with an IOU of £2million to charitee. Of course not a single penny comes out of his sporan for the cause.

This year, the BBC apparently paid its money worth with such comic classics as c-list celebs huffing and puffing up a mountain, Beastender's Bianca causing a Riiicccckkk--us on the awful Apprentice and sketches by has-beens controversial-instead-of-comical twosome Lucas and Walliams. TTG is sad she had to excuse herself from the television set.

The theme was do something funny for money and Gordy pulled out the stops to follow it to a T. So much so, the funnyman has been doing it for over 11 years.

* He's done a funny job as Chancellor
* The economy's a rib tickling joke right now
* Britain's education record under Labour is laughable

Well done Gordon, Terrible Tory Girl thanks you for your fine efforts.

You are the country's number one joke. You do something funny for money everyday.

Aren't we lucky, eh?

Friday, March 06, 2009

The Digi Revolution is here ... take up your mouses, masses, and seize Twitter

THE DIGITAL Revolution of the Labourskis is nigh. Workers, put down your scythes, pick up your mouses and join us, comrades, to take back the net from the Burzhui bankers and Conservative capitalists who stole it from neath our seats.
We must reclaim and reclaim cyberspace as ours.
We must seize facebook and Twitter and push our agenda to the digital masses. We cannot stand back longer and watch the educated take what rightfully belongs to the people. Our Director of Digital Engagement will lead the revolution but we need you to follow in total blindness and carry our message online. Great rewards will be in your grasp once the central communication controls of the nationals have been snatched. Our mission is costly. You must sow £120k for our director and invest your time and soul into the Revolutionary movement. Information technology will belong to us. Our comrades, Jacqui Smith, Phil Woolas, Gordon Brown and Harriet Harman have invaded the internet already. Follow their lead and take the spirit of the digi revolution into all that you do, brothers and sisters.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Mills & Broon: The Shortcoming of Gordon

Mills and Broons are proud to present their latest range of political erotica. To celebrate the release of the range, here is an excerpt of their most popular to date, 'The Shortcoming of Gordon'.


Chapter 1: Gordon


Obama had stripped bare. He rid his House of the flags and podiums, preferring to meet his older guest draped in nothing but his inauguration suit.

No formality was necessary to meet the man to whom he felt close.

He trusted this silver haired, silver tongued Scot. He yearned to have him by his side more often - he had a way with his fiscal figures.

Obama rubbed down his crisp shirt as he went to welcome his guest, his hands moistened as he clasped Gordon's rough palm. He remembered sadly that the two would not be alone for long but he was determined to put the short time together to good practical use.

Gordon could hardly contain his excitment as he greeted and embraced the dashing Barack. He smiled that he would be the first to come and explore his international partnership with the American.

Obama had only slotted Gordon in for an hour but an hour was enough for Gordon to truly make their relationship special. He was keen to show this dapper toned young president all that he learnt in the boardroom.

Obama leant against the doorpost as he fumbled with the door knob and twisted it gently, urging Gordon to enter. The stout statesman walked briskly through with Obama close behind, his arm resting on his waist.

Gordon stopped at the desk and turned around to face Barack. "Hello, my friend", he said with his words dripping with sincerity.

He ran his fingers through Obama's drawers, admiring his handiwork. "Your banking policies please me. I'm glad Britain has your attention and can count on your support."

Gordon reached in further and took hold of the key to Obama and his special relationship and held it firm in his hand .....

Additional words by the guys at the FT