Monday, November 23, 2009

Party before polls!

Dulce et decorum est pro patria Mori.

Now you wouldn't see Ipsos MORI polls in Wilfred Owen's famous line and you won't see it in our party line!

Apparently if these mori moron pollers are to be believed, who keep up with the times by manning phones as opposed to tweeting twits and emailing like everyone else sane, there will be a hung parliament come May.

Sorry to burst your little bubble of nonsense, but us Conservatives and the public will see that this sorry little affair won't happen to Britain.

How on earth can they envisage an increase in the Labour vote? What have Labour done to get public backing or support?

Oh yes, they've sent our troops to slaughter, they've signed us up to Europe, stuck us in a surveillance state where cameras are used to spy on US rather than to protect us ...

Yeah, so much to vote for, eh?

According to the survey, a third reckon Brown's doing a fantastic job. A THIRD! Where are they getting this information? The public sector? Of all the people TTG talks to, she knows about two people who rate our incumbent. Not really a third now is it unless TTG knows only six people.

Don't let polls spoil our party. We know where the tide is turning, we know what the public want and we shall deliver.

So put this rubbish in the bin and let us get on with the job of fighting for Britain and getting rid of the trash talk we've had to endure for 12 long years for good.

Party before polls is TTG's slogan.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Sun is 4-tee

Happy 40th birthday, The Sun!

To celebrate 40 years of life, the newly staunch Tory tabloid has delved into its archives to bring their biggest and best lines back into print, on a tee shirt.

Forget Freddie Starr ate my hamster, check out these Labour lashing, Tory boosting tees on offer on their website right now.

Here's TTG's top tees:

Which one would you like to see TTG in?

Post your suggestions below.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

What's wrong with Labour? TTG spells it out







Why would anyone vote for that?

Glasgow would apparently.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Those Spectator awards in full

Mandy gets a hand from the Spectator who dub him as the alpha male, and top politician of the year. His greasy pole dancing came up trumps. Read on to see the rest of the prizes up for grabs for our power-hungry politicos.

Parliamentarian award of the year - A shock picking, Harriet Harman is crowned Queen of the parliamentarians for her work for women, making it easier for women to get off crime, to get jobs and especially jobs in parliament. Women nationwide are grateful I'm sure, Harry!

Survivor - Alistair Darling, in Destiny's Child style, is a survivor and still managed to hold on against all odds. Bit like Brown keeping a tenure in British politics. Why didn't Brown win?

Best speech - Daniel Hannan's ripping into Brown in Europe was one of the most watched vids. Brown-rolling went viral. Watch it here

Best newcomer - Ken Clarke's rehash and body work obviously fooled the mag who gave parliamentary dinosaur, Clarke, the prize for, er, best newcomer. Very flattering for Kenny who's been reborn politically.

Resignation of the year - James Purnell - James takes the coveted prize of giving up shamelessly. Caroline Flint, an early favourite after she accused Brown of putting her in her job as 'window dressing' and promptly told him so by appearing in the Telegraph fashion shoot, was pipped to the post.

Other awards which were not picked up and reported at length by the press and were wholly fabricated on the spot by TTG:

Worst speaker - Axed speaker Michael Martin wins this highly acclaimed prize. His whimper of 'order, order' throughout his sessions were repetitve and dull and his 35 second long resignation statement didn't fare well in the oratory stakes.

Brass in pocket - Harriet Harman picks up the most stingy accolade after claiming for a 45p Mars Bar in her expenses.

Best squatter - Gordon Brown has refused to budge and leave even after his party is in ruin and despite many, many calls to leave No.10. He's stayed so long that the bailiffs are bored of trying to move him.

Most likely to feature in a Blackadder sketch - If only for his name, Alistair Darling.

Biggest drain on the taxpayer - Liam Byrne - the ex Immigration minister claimed a whopping £478,536 for his services to the state, which weren't anywhere close to that figure, even at a stretch.

Most correct politician - Harriet Harman, who also contended for the prestigious policies gone mad award for her OTT favouritism for women, is too correct even for politics' standards.

Brown's bitch - Through thick and thin, Brown's Darling and BFF, Alistair Darling has stood by the PM. Aww, ain't love sweet?

The Brutus award - David Miliband. At last encounter, the fresh faced schoolboy lookalike was accepting gladly the coveted Foreign Secretary role. Now he's apparently relaunching his leadership bid after hitting it off with the in-laws in Europe. Poor Brown. Some just aren't grateful.

Biggest Party pooper - Jack Straw - even when presented with the chance to finally make the party look good (i.e QT) he still manages to fluff up his lines and look quite a bit worse than slimeball Nick Griffin. Poor show, Jack.

Biggest balls-upper of the year - There was tough competition for this award as many Labour MPs and ministers were in the running especially Mrs Smith for her no place at home controversy and her hubby's Blockbuster film choices.

But the winner for this is namesake, Ed Balls. When he's not failing to spell on his blog, he's consistently doing something else he shouldn't be.

The likes-the-own-sound-of-his/her-voice - Tony Blair (despite out of the running, he's an honorary winner for his world pursuit for all to hear his voice)/George Galloway/Harriet Harman - who to pick?

Most resembles an inanimate object - Jim Murphy, the Secretary of Scotland looks half dummy when he sits in PMQs with his expressionless, steely stare.

House hotty - George Osborne narrowly misses out as Ed "very fit" Vaizey takes the prize.

From zero to hero - He's come a long way and finally the people see the wonder that is George Osborne.

Most likely to push Labour out of office and lead a Conservative government - David Cameron. Need we say more?

Back to the day job - Home Secretary and ex postie, Alan Johnson, is out of his depth. He's proven that he's a lightweight who can't sort the country out - probably better to stick to what he is good at, sorting letters.

* Add your own awards below

Monday, November 09, 2009

Gordon's past year has been one big mistake

School report for James Gordon Brown

Dear Mr Collins,

We are gravely concerned with Gordon. His work over the last year has been sloppy at best, he has had many behavioural issues such as losing his temper in the classroom and throwing our printer across the room and has generally been a displeasure to work with.

He needs to learn to deal with authority. At the moment, he tries to assume control and dictate the class. He has had many run-ins with our teaching staff due to his aggression. He is stubborn and refuses to give up his appalling attitude. This behaviour is not acceptable and if this is not corrected, we will have to take disciplinary action and take away his prefect position until he behaves as we see fit.

Despite his limited eyesight, which we take into account when assessing his work, he hasn't progressed at all but rather he has got worse. His last work, a letter, was riddled with spelling mistakes that someone at his age, both mental and physical, should not be making. He didn't even spell his own name correctly. His presentation is scruffy, unkempt and he shows a real lack of regard, care or pride in his work.

He is showing a lack of progress even in maths, his favourite subject. He doesn't care if the numbers don't add up anymore. When he doesn't know the answer or figures, he simply makes it up or makes an elaborate excuse as to why he hasn't finished.

His school work aside, we have had many complaints from other teachers and students. He seems to lack any decency and treats his classmates with contempt. He has often lashed out at them and smirks at them in a very derogatory manner. As a result he has isolated himself and is not very popular with the people around him.

His attitude towards authority leaves a lot to be desired. When the headmistress came in into the class this week he refused to stand in her presence, let alone bow. He behaved in the same way when a group of soldiers from the local barracks came to our show and tell.

Could you please over the next few months instill some discipline and respect. There is only so much we can do here for him.

Yours unfaithfully,

Ivor Hadenough

P.S I have enclosed a piece of his latest work to prove his glaring errors.

Friday, November 06, 2009

Spanks for the memories, Nick!

It's bottom's up for Sir Nicholas Winterton!

The red faced MP is in the docks after apparently kopping a feel of luscious Labour babe, Natascha Engel's bottom in the commons tea room.

Winterton, whose memory fails him on the spanking new gaffe to come his way, explained his 'do I spank, don't I' dilemma to the press:

"I don't make a habit of slapping bottoms. You might just do it now and again if you felt so disposed, if you had a sensible, friendly relationship with an individual.

If his 'happy slap' gaffe wasn't enough, he continued:"But do I go around pinching bottoms? Certainly not. I'm a Conservative."

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Klaus passes the Czech

Under pressure Klaus has finally succumbed and signed the Lisbon Treaty, ratifying the god awful, hellish Treaty, the final nail in our country's constitutional coffin, our political faust - our very own pact to the Devil himself.

Nothing good can come of this ratification. For those fed up with European Human Rights, bendy bananas and more lunarcy laws, there's more in store. For those who called for a referendum, their message will continue to fall on deaf, dead ears - what can a referendum possibly do now after the objection has been passed so readily by our own? We have been sold down the river Senne.

Like the Irish before him, Klaus was forced into an impossible situation and as we may have done (if we had the choice, of course) he accepted his fate at a price favourable for the Czech Republic. But his bargaining has left us short and we will pay the price, as usual, for a Europe bound and forged by peace.

With both Blair and Miliband sent on the first gravy train back to Britain, it looks like our continental cousins seek not just control of our fine nation, such as our quotas from Calais, but to also close us out of any discussion.

We fought two world wars for freedom and for peace yet here in Brussels, one nation is chained - Britain.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Professors 1 - 0 Labour FarCe

And the drug derby kicks off. Labour's chairman, Gordon Brown, watches from the sideline as his injured squad make it on the pitch. Their last encounter with the drug advisory squad had been marred by a controversial penalty as star man David Nutt, the team's captain for this season, was sent off.

Nutt, who was hit with a match ban for his attack on Alan Johnson, has spoken out publicly ahead of today's game, insisting the ref was wrong to hand a red.

But back to the game, Alan Johnson leads tonight as he pits himself against his drug foes. His fellow policy players follow behind as he pushes past their defences and ignores the taunts and jeers of the Nutt supporters.

But before he can nip it in the net, professor player, Mr A.N. Adviser gets the ball rolling away and pushes the policy agenda further up the pitch, towards an open goal. Labour try to cover up the goal but their defences are pushed back.

And Labour think it's all over .... but goooooaaaaaalllllll. The crowd goes wild. Johnson looks defeated as he puts his face in his hands and kneels on the pitch.


The game resumes for the second half. Professor's Nutt sits at the sidelines watching on as the team try for a second. And it's another goal for the Professors and it looks like a third might be in the pipeline after this astonishing display from these runts ....

P.S - TTG thinks the Guardian needs better subs if their URL link to the story is anything to go by -

It's Alan Johnson. You know, the Home Sec? Yeah, got it, Grauniads?