Sunday, May 18, 2008

Redknobs and Broomcupboards - Labour special

The House of Commons battle it out for centre ground

Normally, TTG would burst into song or at least a parody but for once, she's lost for words after coming across Bedknobs and Broomsticks...and discovered the strange truth that it is in fact the Nostradamus of film - it predicted the emergence of a certain Mr Brown, a coward who thought himself untouchable.

Here in the scripture, it predicted the terrible fate Britain would face, under the premiership of Brownism.

Oh, it really doesn’t matter what I do, what I do
As long as I do it with a flair

What effect a little smoke is with a dash of hocus pocus

And the scent of burning sulfur in the air

I’m a fraud, a hoke, a charlatan, a joke,

But they love me ... everywhere.

For it really doesn’t matter what I do, what I do
As long as I do it with a flair

And it really doesn’t matter what I say, what I say

As long as I say it with a flair!

First I rattle off a ready stock of gibberish and poppycock
and fix you with my best hypnotic stare.
With my moans and groans and soporific tones they have cheered me everywhere!

For, it really doesn’t matter what I say, what I say
I said it when I tell it with a seamless selabin
The magician’s nursery rhyme
You succumb to it, every time!

Wave a stick, and each trick, will mystify and disarm.
In fact, to coin a fitting phrase, it works, like a charm!

So, it really doesn’t matter what I brew, what I brew

As long as I brew it with a flair.

Though I’ve never cast a magic spell I make the motions very well
My showmanship is far beyond compare.
I’m a rogue, a rake, a mountebank, a fake,
But I do whate’er I dare.
For, it really doesn’t matter what I do, what I do…

You buy my charms and poxes ‘cause they come in fancy boxes!

To improve your ugly daughter, I’ve a vial of colored water!

And my magic incantations can be framed as decorations,

Though there’s really nothing to it, and of course, you all see through it,

You love me cause I do it, with a flair!

The film predicted:

*Animals would rise up and take over government....Does TTG need to spell it out? L-A-B-O-U-R
*Football-playing animals....Brown's hardly up there with Gazza
*Nazis would Nazis, in the very least
*A wartorn England....Nearly there

Shh don't say the A word

TTG should be careful in reporting this story as it will contain strong and rude language - the A word will be featured, please kids and migrants leave the room.

The Arsey Mum Commission, renamed by TTG, has had to change its name after banning the world 'Asylum.
Apparently the word 'Asylum' which TTG will now call Arsey Mum, brings up negative connotations. No shit Sherlock. But TTG has to wonder what the Asylum Commission (apologies for swearing yet again) will be called because it certainly looks in a bad light to this blogger.

But even while they have banned the word, the Commission still features the A word a lot on its own page on the Party website.

"Labour believes in strong and protected borders – they are fundamental to Britain. Within this framework, we are committed to continuing our proud history of welcoming legal migrants who can benefit Britain; and to a just asylum system which provides a safe haven for refugees."

And it tisn't the isolated case - there are 12 mentions of the forbidden word in the Asylum titled policy. Well Labour can't obviously look too fondly on the Commission....TTG doesn't like the Commission either but she would never ever dream of using such filthy language to describe them.

Now readers, give the Commission a name on the comment form below.

Also while nosing on THAT site,, TTG came across this little beauty 'Our top 50 achievements since being elected in 1997'. Of course TTG should point out that Labour, from its cradle 1900 to its demise, 2008 (Rest In Pieces), has nothing to show - even with past pals such as Ramsay Macdonald, Jim Callaghan, Harold Wilson taking the reigns through that century.

Helpfully they included this: "We've listed what we think are Labour's top 50 achievements - what do you think? What should we add or take away? "

Thanks Labour luvvies, here TTG will act on behalf of God and taketh comes her red marker.....

Lab-eughhh's achievements

1. Longest period of sustained low inflation since the 60s - Darling said "inflation, while at low levels compared to the peaks we have seen in the past, remains a threat to economic stability."

2. Low mortgage rates - "Interest rates on mortgage lending remain high relative to base. There is little scope for further rate cuts as inflationary pressures persist."

3. Introduced the National Minimum Wage and raised it to £5.52. Yes, but that only applies to over 22s

4. Over 14,000 more police in England and Wales. The number of police in West Midlands alone - not a lot of help.

5. Cut overall crime by 32 per cent - "Crime is costing the economy £60billion a year as the justice system fails to protect the public from career criminals, business leaders warn.

A report from the Confederation of British Industry accuses the Government of pursuing flawed policies on law and order which have left "stubbornly high" reoffending rates little changed in the 11 years since Labour came to power."

6. Record levels of literacy and numeracy in schools - Well, not in Wales: "As many as a quarter of 15 to 65-year-olds have poor literacy levels, the Basic Skills Agency Wales told the Western Mail earlier this year. Wales also ranked bottom in the UK in an international league table of reading standards last year."

7. Young people achieving some of the best ever results at 14, 16, and 18. Like Labour's immigration figures, apparently according to the exam watchdog: "Don't expect GCSE and A-level exam results to be accurate.The chairwoman of Ofqual said it was simplistic to expect a perfect marking system."

8. Funding for every pupil in England has doubled. Perhaps, but we're yet to see the results. Numbers of ethnic minority children has doubled though since Labour came in - now 21 per cent of total school population

9. Employment is at its highest level ever - "The number of people out of work has climbed for the third month in a row.UK unemployment rose by 14,000 to 1.61 million in the three months to March."

10. Written off up to 100 per cent of debt owed by poorest countries. Should think so, the Gov gives enough of our cash to the developing world but refuses to let His own people develop.

11. 85,000 more nurses. Many of them nicked from the poorer countries - 3,000 in 2004 were from the "banned" list.

12. 32,000 more doctors. Still need more

13. Brought back matrons to hospital wards. Fantastic idea! Where has TTG heard that before? Oh, the Conservatives. They've sung the same tune 'Bring on the matrons' since 2001.

14. Devolved power to the Scottish Parliament - "Devolution has failed and the Scottish Parliament is no more than an ultimately pointless bureaucracy, according to leading economists, who claim that the Parliament has failed to improve the nation’s quality of life.", 2005

15. Devolved power to the Welsh Assembly - In 2006, the Assembly dissolves the Tourist board and now is £159mn less in pocket

16. Dads now get paternity leave of 2 weeks for the first time. Not sure how long that will last with the new ruling that men are no longer officially seen as an integral part of a family in Human Fertilisation Bill.

17. NHS Direct offering free convenient patient advice. So does the chemist

18. Gift aid was worth £828 million to charities last year. Generous perhaps but not the best of ideas to appear on US Pop Idol to hand over £25 billion worth of mosquito nets during a recession in homeground

19. Restored city-wide government to London - There's more to the UK than London - what about the other major cities like Birmingham?

20. Record number of students in higher education. Would that be linked to the idea of introducing dumbed-down degrees such as Posh and Becks or media studies?

21. Child benefit up 26 per cent since 1997. Why isn't TTG surprised.....

22. Delivered 2,200 Sure Start Children’s Centres. Isn't that what nurseries are for?

23. Introduced the Equality and Human Rights Commission. And what a disaster that was too! Now under HR, murderers like Peter Sutcliffe can demand his rights; illegals can not be deported because of their fundamental rights...what a ripe deal wrong-doers get.

24. £200 winter fuel payment to pensioners & up to £300 for over-80s. Good start. Shame it doesn't last past the next financial year.

25. On course to exceed our Kyoto target for reducing greenhouse gas emissions - "A new report by the leading thinktank Policy Exchange today reveals that despite promising to “put concern for the environment at the heart of policy-making” the Government looks likely to miss over half of the green targets it has set since 1997. Out of 138 high level targets surveyed, 60% of targets have been missed."

26. Restored devolved government to Northern Ireland. Still not full devolution, hasn't yet been sorted with the House of Lords

27. Over 36,000 more teachers in England and 274,000 more support staff and teaching assistants - Numbers, my friend, numbers. Why do some schools opt to pay their pupils than send in a supply?

28. All full time workers now have a right to 24 days paid holiday. Ta. Now for the majority of Britons to find job to get that perk of work.

29. A million pensioners lifted out of poverty - "200,000 more pensioners have been plunged into fuel poverty as household bills soar. Nearly a quarter don't heat their homes because they are worried about the cost. More than one in five struggle below the poverty line - no improvement on last year."

30. 600,000 children lifted out of relative poverty - £1.6million council funding to eradicate poverty in London, this year? What a disgrace! There shouldn't even be poverty in this day and age in Britain, the land of opportunity!

31. Introduced child tax credit giving more money to parents - Giving more money to put parents off entering the working world

32. Scrapped Section 28 and introduced Civil Partnerships - Fair enough but forcing out registrars who do not believe in them, is not on

33. Brought over 1 million social homes up to standard - A bad standard?

34. Inpatient waiting lists down by over half a million since 1997 - That didn't do much good for the patient who had his teeth knocked out by his surgeon and told to go private instead of waiting five months.

35. Banned fox hunting. Wow. The first person was convicted this week of killing foxes since 2005. Bravo.

36. Cleanest rivers, beaches, drinking water and air since before the industrial revolution. Should think so. The revolution was between 1800 and 1850!

37. Free TV licences for over-75s - But students now have to dish out over £130 quid each year as Labour removed the clause that let the boffins come under their parent's license.

38. Banned fur farming and the testing of cosmetics on animals - But, but, it still happens

39. Free breast cancer screening for all women aged between 50-70 - What, mammograms aren't on the NHS? TTG will just have to self-screen.

40. Free off peak local bus travel for over-60s - But no concessions for students...

41. New Deal - helped over 1.8 million people into work - At least they're honest, it's a deal alright.

42. Over 3 million child trust funds have been started - £250-500 for having a new baby plus another £1,200 each year, tax-free to be put into a fund for later use when the kid turns 18...hmm what about hard graft and parents earning the cash themselves?

43. Free eye test for over 60s - Lucky provision for youngsters who need glasses all their lives, not just when their sight deterioates.

44. More than doubled the number of apprenticeships - Which is it Labour? Increase in apprenticeships or increase in looney toon degrees?

45. Free entry to national museums and galleries - But TTG should point out, the entry is conditional on time and day

46. Overseas aid budget more than doubled - Don't we (tax-payers) all know it? Brown, Scotland doesn't count as overseas...

47. Heart disease deaths down by 150,000 and cancer deaths down by 50,000 - Wow, TTG didn't realise that Labour were God's chosen people and had control over life and death. Or that they were in the drug field (ahem)...

48. Cut long-term youth unemployment by 75 per cent - And cut youth behaviour to an all time low

49. Free nursery places for every three and four-year-olds - Funny that, TTG swears she hears in the news about disgruntled parents having ot hand over £130 a week....

50. Free fruit for most four to six-year-olds at school - Tssk. That veg pledge is only to make sure that these kids get their five-a-day

What should TTG add or take away?

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Spews on the News

TTG is back baby, bruised and battered from the one month long war of pen and paper with the Tory tyrant Winston Churchill. Apologies for her delay - feel free to heckle the terrible girl as much as you see fit. Promises to update sooner.

Sick of the one-man clown show and his circus freaks that have helped themselves to residence in the Commons, TTG proposes a plan, a very dastardly yet democratic plan.

For those who missed out on voting in Mayor elections, locals or were refused vote when Brown gave up election last Oct, here's your chance to vote - simply download the form below and cross next to the name you want to vote OUT.

Cross as many as one or all against the names of the Crapnit you feel deserve to be booted out promptly. Psst, cross all - they're all useless, TTG says, in a non-partisan, Tory leaning way. Ahem.

Get your form via TTGmail.

Cherie: My Story in helping bulimics everywhere

Hearing the men and women who work hard (or not so hard, as is ALWAYS the case) for you, panting their sexual exploits and spilling it out on paper is akin to your parents seating you in the front room and forcing you, eyes pegged open, to watch them mimicking rabbits. No thanks.

Lord, if you can hear this plea, could you please stop politicians or their PAGS (Prostitutes and groucho-luvvies) from telling all about their sex life- it makes TTG feel bulimic. *bleurrgghhhh* Actually TTG does feel that models, keen to lose a stone to fit in their -12 tissue length dresses, could do well to pick up Cherie's or John's books. If it has that effect on TTG, what wonders for the clothes peg world.

For those who have had the pleasant fortune to not have heard about Cherie and her 4 time a nighter Tony in the sack, here's an idea of what to expect.

Try something new, try the all new Balmoral position, subject to condition that you must f*** the Royals rather than screw the public.

How to do a Balmoral in three easy steps

1) Take a leaf out of Prescott's book and leave respect, dignity, taste at the door, preferably leaving it open so royals, world and poor servants can see.

2) Depending on the circumstances, f*** over the royals either by assuming the conceive position * in view of a Royal or by taking the Royal Crescent and inserting, head first or whatever is preferable, up anus. Repeat several times.

3) While in position, scribble your memoirs on wads of cash lying around the room, and after Four times Tone has come to a standstill, phone Mandelson or Campbell to bring in cotton buds to insert socialist spawn in womb.

Congratulations, you are one step away from being like Cherie: a money honey.

* (that's the one where you don leather court wigs and red leather pvc robes, lie on sheets made out of public cash, extend legs in the air while Tony reaches in with 'matrix masseuse Carole giving her hand by throwing bottles of new age holy (s***) water cos they are Catholic of course, before tantric chanting of "please Satan, just another million more.")

Saving the animals, save the clothes

Calling all animals, shed your clothes, don a mask and raise money for the endangered across the world. The Duckworth Project, an art concept which sees bidding animal activists strip to save creatures great and small, promises to give all proceeds to charities worldwide.

So what you waiting for? Check out the page here and get that mask pronto. Tis art.

* Darling dud of May

Should I repay or should they hell? The Darling of the Treasury simply can't make his mind up these days.
First he endorses binning the 10p tax despite the workers, the breadbone of the party affected by this decision, then he says he'll make it up to them in blood cash and next he toys with the idea of scrapping the removal of the tax altogether.
TTG understands how difficult it is at this time with Ginny Gordon not around to dictate money policy but surely he knew he was on to a loser when it was revealed that the real workers would lose out, even more than usual?
Labour, eh, who'd have 'em? ...Er only in Britain....

Attempt to get your head around tax here.


Following Major Bojo's idea to ban the booze on the cattle train, some serial hop-ers on facebook (i.e Strongbow students) have planned a protest to go round and round in a circle (a bit like what the Gov does at the moment), er, train, getting pissed on cheap bottles of wine and Lambrini. Only one problem as supporters point out - tisn't yet illegal and won't be til next year.
A fine is hardly a step towards martyrdom. Back to the er boozing, er, TTG, means drawing board.

*Johnson & Johnson

Keen to get their same named main man into fame and the pm frame, the Sabre toothless lot in the rosette HQ apparently reckon Alan Johnson, Sec. for health is the man for the job. Lean, mean and more of a joke than Bojo, Johnson stands a pretty chance of becoming the next successor that is even more pathetic than his predecessor - even more so than the Frown-Bliar partnership.

TTG wonders who'd win in the potential 2014/5 fight, Johnson or Johnson? Hmm but where would the cosmetics company stand in all this?

Border-line humour

After Ken traded his missing Bojo back in April with a kid's monster book called 'Calm down, Boris' TTG decided to check the little book out at the bookworm chain, Borders.

Bordering on giggles, TTG spotted the five-page book complete with poseable hand puppet Boris monster, in the biography section of the store. After sticking her hand into Boris to grant kisses to her pal,, she found a little synopsis that sums up London's frolic fave on amazon.

"Meet Boris - he's a very loving little monster! Orange, hairy and over-enthusiastic, Boris means well, but always ends up getting carried away and spoiling things. In "Calm Down, Boris!", the reader is asked to help Boris brush his hair ready for his trip to the park - and gets smothered in grateful kisses. The same happens when we feed him, and when he gets to the park none of the other little monsters want to play with him because he's so loud and boisterous. But when a big scary dog jumps over the fence, Boris saves the day by scaring him away with his big, friendly kisses!"

Buy the book here.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Spews on the News May 6

Save the Whale

Talksport, the radio station that er talks sport, mostly, has its fair share of controcool figures, past and present, ranging from oh Hallow-aye, Gaunty and James Whale.

Although thanks to some three PC slimy Ken kindlers, the great Whale, a known right ringer, has been forced to quit his post on the grounds of impartiality.

And his charge? 'Vote Boris'. The Beeb, allegedly apolitical, is full to its biased brim of Labour luvvies who between each breath and word gush to the scowling scoundrels on the front bench. Why aren't those horrendously-payed hacks sacked under this same guiding principle?

Talksport bosses, you should be ashamed of yourself. Even radio stars have the right of freedom of expression and you knew what was in store when you picked him to host.

Save the Whale!

Visit here to leave your messages of support.

And here for that news story in full.

Turn Back Crime

Since the revelation that Bonkers-bonking mad crime buster Boris is desperate to try on the premier crown, TTG has a funny feeling she has seen it all before....

For Boris is:

American connections
One time social democrat
Aristocratic roots
Lion-heart courage

Surely it couldn't be.......Winston!

Cripes. But how? There are three well-thought out, equally insane explanations below.

1) Is Boris the result of Winston wanting to leave his mark on history?
2) Is Winston alive in Boris, like in that Disney flick, the Lion King?
3) Is Winston really alive but who bought a blonde floppy wig, went to the plastic surgeon and got a name swop? Or is his charming new looks down to the good ole men at the secret services who reconstructed him with the help of L'oreal's deep-set wrinkle serum? - Makes you look ten years younger apparently.

Post your thoughts, conspiracies below on their uncanny resemblance to one another.

Hillary sprints on to beat Barack's polls

Surprise, surprise, America to choose Hillary as democrat dirigeant after her position in the polls surged suddenly when they realised they may vote in, quel horreur, the unaccepted.

Hillary now boasts 51 per cent, a 7 per cent lead since two weeks before when Obama was flying high to electoral earnings, with a 12 point lead on his Clinton rivale.

Still, TTG, will pledge to support Obama, even if the Yankee Doodles play the safe card.

Read all about it here.

Build it up with bricks and more, ta

In a bid to beat the Canard* boffins who built a tower reaching 96 feet, Britons got their lego bricks and set to work to create a tower mast four feet higher, at (pronounced) Leegoland, Windsor.

TTG doesn't know about you but she's very surprised our fiends at the PC office haven't come knocking to put red tape around the mast since kiddies might swallow the bricks, stick them in their ears, or heaven forbid put them on an 100 ft high tower that could splat a child.

Although the tower does resemble more the tower of Pisa than a mast judging by this pic she stole off the BBC website.

News story here.


Monday, May 05, 2008

Politics has gone to the dogs

Since TTG hasn't learnt how to yet post vids, click below to see Boris as you have never before. Brought to you by the rib tickler folk at Headcases.

It's A Dog's Life

Here's a screen shot - that's as far as TTG dares to venture in the techno land.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Good-Eye of Newt

TTG's terribly Tory gang have never had it so good. In this week alone, they've thwarted red-top politics in the land of the sheep, knocking Labour from their political pedestals in four seats. They kept their hold on to nearly 50 seats across England, set up twelve Tory camps in the councils and boasted new 256 Conserve councillors. All in a day's work. "Hyperactive politics", Gordy? Hardly.

But the Tors had their cake, ate it too with a cherry on the top, when Boris, the Toryman with one swift blow knocked King Ken out of the ring and became 2008's heavyweight Mayor of the capital.

In other news, Boris will have to spend thousands to remove the slimy, sticky residue left on Eyeball hall by a certain Mr Newt Dyingstone.

The work is not yet done. We must not stop short of our long held aim - to enter number ten and give the public a government that is compassionate, fair, and conscientious of the desires, wills, wants and needs of its people.

Only with Cameron and his cabinet can England survive.

This is the Tory mantra, given to you for the forgiveness of sins that you once voted those slimy Labour snakes in, do this in remembrance that the Tories are good for you.

In the immortal words of the Churchillian chugger of cigars and booze, the Right Honoured Winston Churchill in 'his blood, tears and sweat' speech in 1940:

"We shall fight Labour on the seas and oceans,
we shall fight Labour with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be,
we shall fight Labour on the beaches,
we shall fight Labour on the landing grounds,
we shall fight Labour in the fields and in the streets,
we shall fight Labour in the hills;
we shall never surrender."

Here's how London voted (According to wiki - approach with skepticism)

London Mayoral Election Results 2008

Name Party 1st Preference Votes % 2nd Preference Votes¹ % Final

Boris Johnson Conservative 1,043,761 42.48 124,977
1,168,738 53.2

Ken Livingstone Labour 893,877 36.38 135,089
1,028,966 46.8

Brian Paddick Liberal Democrat 236,685 9.63 N/A

Siân Berry Green 77,374 3.15 N/A

Richard Barnbrook British National Party 69,710 2.84 N/A

Alan Craig Christian Peoples Alliance 39,249 1.6 N/A

Gerard Batten UKIP 22,422 0.91 N/A

Lindsey German Left List 16,796 0.68 N/A

Matt O'Connor English Democrats (withdrawn) 10,695 0.44 N/A

Winston McKenzie Independent 5,389 0.22 N/A

For more on the results, click here.

Well done Boris, now is your chance to twinkle, our bright blue star, and demonstrate just why one million Londoners were right to entrust their franchise in you.

*Gordy, the cab's waiting. Why don't you too join ole Kenny in the 'political wilderness'

-The Polls never lie.