Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Spews On The News - January 29-31

In the midst of magazine related mayhem and flicking through job listings for work, any work, provided it isn't any of the following:

1) Newspaper layout i.e the use of anything remotely related to Indesign, Photoshop, Macs
2) Politically hostile papers - i.e - leaves only the Express, and the Sun when McClown won't be so kind to give Maddoch an exclusive splash.
3) Academia - no, I won't go, you can't make me! Ahhhhhhhhh, the dim lights, the dusty books. It's too much.....too much.
The news, ruthlessly modified by Terrible Tory Girl.

Brown's Bent Chaps (BBC)

Please dear Scot compatriots, Labour scoundrels and biased bigwits, could you kindly refrain from showing relentlessly the Cheshire-like grin of Macavity Brown, particularly when TTG is eating - you don't want indigestion on your conscience do you, Mr Director Generale Mark Thompson?
Perhaps for Lent, in a completely un Christian practice of course, the BBC could pledge to not scare voters into supporting their cad candidate, Brown, by pasting his pasty credentials across the screen.
It is an health and safety risk and one TTG would hope you would take most seriously.
As for BBC journos, last time TTG checked the OfCom code, outright bias for the guv' is foul play. Keep your bias in your trousers/blouses!

Burger Managering

At a time when the chips are down with sales plummeting in the States, UK Big Maccers have produced in-house manager training qualifications to match the standards of A-levels. (Well of course they aren't academic then!)
Snooty journos have been quick to take the utter Mac out of these designated diplomas but while normally the endorsement of Ronald McDonald's politician brother, Brown McClown, is enough to put TTG off her extra value meal, TTG is in great support.
Not only will these kiddies be spared a teenlife hood behind the desk, but they are ensured better prospects in the career market with their niche skills. Everyone has a degree these days - it's not difficult to copy line for line what Mr Teacher says and then learn like a mindless parrot.
What these McEmployees will have is a far sight better and something schools cannot teach - those of physical ability, the skills that many employers have to pay through the nose to send new employee graduates to learn on a three month course.
Could McDonalds, too produce a diploma for our incumbent leaders - TTG thinks they need a refresher lesson in how to run a cabinet/government/country. Better still, since McDo staff won't be forced to swallow British state schooling, they'll probably come out for the better.
Any room in the cabinet for one more greasy, "ill-trained" brownshirt?

Bagpipes and the Gladrags

With the prophecy this week that the Scots will be the men/women/sheep/Lochness monster/s to set an example on the climate stage, TTG was startled to hear unrest among the Scotch eggs. Apparently one hot Scot actor received a good ticking off, and risked the wrath of many a log, for playing the part of an English toff for desperately dire TV show, Desperate Housewives. The Scots, not content with the larger, meatier slice of Britain's political power, are angry that outsiders don't view them with the same perception of class.....


Labour, your unfriendly neighbour
"Labour (POLITICAL PARTY) [S]the Labour Party, the political party in Britain that believes in social equality, a more equal sharing out of wealth, and the rights of workers"
Dear Labourites, do not be fooled. These men who stand before you in office, are not the Labour that poured through your veins into your passion and decision. These men, who grind you workers to the ground while filling their pockets with your pennies, are not fit to bear the name of Labour, let alone parade its message through the dirt of their own doing.
Do not be deceived. As you workers scrape by to put food on the table, Labour politicians are feeding from the troughs of bounty, living in 6 bedroom homes and driven by chauffeurs, paid of course by your vote.
This is sofa government, power in the hands of the few. The workers' wealth and fortune placed in their palms for their pleasure and their pleasure alone.
Trust the party that doesn't pretend to be any different.
Trust the party that for centuries has rewarded the diligent and cared for the poor.
Trust the party that has delivered before, delivers and will deliver again.
The future's right, the future's blue.
Make the right choice: Tick Conservative
Click here to see why

Thursday, January 24, 2008

D-O-N-A-T-E

To celebrate the resignation of Peter "slain" Hain, who was forced out of Brown's pockets after he failed to declare £103,000 in donations in a hush-hush operation to boost his deputy leadership bid, TTG has written a song, just for the newly fired ex Welsh, ex Works and Pensions Secretary.

Terrible Tory Girl presents, D-O-N-A-T-E *

*Loosely based on real events and Aretha Franklin's RESPECT song.


D-O-N-A-T-E

(£00) What I want
(£00) Baby, you got,
(£00) Pound I need,
(£00) Too much dough made me quit?
(£00) All I’m askin’
(£00) Is for you to donate when you come home (just a little bit)
Hey voter (just a little bit) when you get home
(just a little bit) worker (just a little bit)

I ain't gonna do you wrong while I’m gone
Aint gonna as long (£00) as I get my donor
All I'm askin' (£00)
Is for you to donate when you come home (don’t let me quit)
voter (just a little bit) when you get home (don’t let me quit)
care (don’t let me quit)

You’re about to give me all of your money
And all I'm askin' in return, sonny
Is to give me your profits
When you get home (trust me, trust me, trust me, trust me)
Yeah voter (trust me, trust me, trust me, trust me)
When you get home (just a little bit) care (just a little bit)

£000 your crosses (£00)
Sweeter than honey (£00)
And guess what? (£00)
So is your money (£00)
All I want you to do (£00) for me
Is give it to me when you get home (dough, dough, dough, dough)
Yeah voter (dough, dough, dough, dough)
slip your cash to me (donate, just a little bit)
When you get home, now (just a little bit)

D-O-N-A-T-E
Find out what it means to me
D-O-N-A-T-E
accept this money plea

Oh (stock shares for me, stock shares for me, stock shares for me, stock shares for me)
Please donate for me (stock shares for me, stock shares for me, stock shares for me, stock shares for me)
Whoa, give (just a little bit)
Please donate for me (just a little bit)
I got fired (don’t let me quit)

Keep on tryin' (just a little bit)
I’m shunnin' all the rulin’ (just a little bit)
And I ain't lyin' (just a little bit)
(dough, dough, dough) 'nate
When I’ve got more loans (dough, dough, dough, dough)
with cash up to chin (donate, just a little bit)
And find I'm all blown (just a little bit)
I got to have (just a little bit)
A little donor (just a little bit)

Monday, January 21, 2008

Spews On The News January 21-22

TTG comes to readers practising what she is preaching - spewing and subsequent nausea, was not however, what she had in mind.


Northern Cock-Up

As Brown dithers around in communist communal ground, presumably for tips on how to rule Britain on the same guidelines, the public back here wait to discover the fate of Northern Rock. No need to follow the news readers, TTG told you all - click here for an insight in TTG's crystal ball.

(May TTG point out that Cammy got to Chinatown before you Brown - TTG understands it is difficult for Slave Labourites to use the power of own thought, but perhaps you should resolute this year to crack up your cranium and do some real work rather than steal others' ideas, whether it be the Mandarin kind or Conservative. )


On Yer Bike

Kelly Goat Gruff laments on television this morning that her husband hasn't bought her a bike after wise reporter catches the Labour Light gal without her two-wheeled friend. This, when this Minister of Transport announces £14 million odd to encourage us to get on our bikes.
Apparently it's all about choice - as says Gruff. TTG would like to make a democratic choice and er have a spin in her ministerial car.

The Devil Wears Poppy

TTG doesn't know the ins and outs of the thoughts of the populace but Bye-Bye Blair's portrait is a work of an art for those satanists out there. TTG had to double take after seeing his Tartarian grimace - is that the first recorded photo of Lucifer?

See the picture horribilis here.


Jeremy Breaks Pax On M&S

As the hardhead Newsnighter attacks M&S on its selection of smalls, TTG would like to break her own silence of Rose's cloth line spectacular.

Why TTG cannot speak for the, er ,support factor of the nether regions by M&S Y-fronts, on the sheer quality TTG can sure hell orate!

While still a teen bopper, M&S managed to entice the Ms Terrible Tory into investing in a pair of frankly beautiful aviator booties, fit for all types of obscure English weather, with sturdy rubber heels and understatedly easy on the feet...all this for £29.95.

Now That's What I Call Music to my ears and pocket.

(TTG would like to point out that she was not endorsed by the store to give such salutations - M&s is just truly mighty like that)

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Spews On The News - January 17

Terrible Tory Girl returns after three days in the blogger wilderness after noone would listen to her pleas, wails and cries that she would rather sit, nerd-like, eyes stuck like glue to the screen than ever entertain revising for law. Unfortunately her degree forced her to. Here's some sharp, short and sweet rants on the news

Rabblebook

Another nonnewsicle story - frankly not even to perk the interest of the sad yuppie cronies, like TTG - about facebook. Yes, the brothers behind the addictive facebook version of the childhood fave game Scrabble, breached copyright, but can't the country, for just once, let us have something for which we are not forced to fork through the nose to pay.
Well done Hasbro and Mattel. Your pathetic little diva tantrum has prevented a potentially possible chance that the chavettes of society may have taken up the brain cell-increasing puzzle, for fun.
As for the journalists, stop doing lazy journalism - facebook is not a public institution and a get out clause of the dreaded vox-pop - do your fair share like everyone else!

Sparks and Spencers

May TTG plead the case for Marks and Spencers, a store close to her heart. The story printed in the Express about some colleague nutter who refused to sell God's book as it was 'unclean' is not the fault of the qualitissential grocery, clothes store. Instead of attacking companies who can't be held accountable for the actions and motives of each and every one of their till girls, blame that person.
That was a blasphemy case if ever I saw one...shame that Archy of Druidbury is the keenest of them all to scrap this.



The News at Then

Dong. TTG doesn't care. Dong. TTG goes to great lengths to prove she doesn't care. Dong TTG gets fed up of hearing about the media fuss and hysteria over ITN's thwarted bring-back plans. Dong TTG swears she will smash that dong to kingdom come if it doesn't keep tolling smugly at its own remergence. Dong No one is bothered by ITN's comeback. Dong ITN tries to bring back News knight. Dong Punch and Judy back on screens after ITN fails yet again to reel in the share of the viewer vote.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

One Wicket To Paradise




The Right Honourable Julian Brazier Saves Cricketer From Deportation

(Picture lovingly "borrowed" from BBC.co.uk)

Kent MP Bowls Justice For Alleyne



Despite that TTG is meant to be poring over her 500 odd paged, tea-stained, crumb-clad law textbook, she has some splendid news of the judicial kind.

Kent News revealed this week that the cricketer-turned-coach-turned-unemployed Barbaid, Hartley Alleyne, has been granted three years to stay in the country after facing a deportation order to his home country of Barbados.

This move, which cost him his job, would have meant that he would have to leave his sons, daughter and wife, after a pencil-pushing cock-up deemed the former high-flying fast bowler was not "qualified enough" to teach the sport.

TTG, who had investigated this insanity from the safety of her London home, would like to take the opportunity now to thank Julian Brazier, MP for Canterbury for his tremendous efforts in helping his constituent and not giving up without a fight.

It may be a reprieve for now, but with Julian to back Alleyne, a fifer in the form of eventual citizenship may soon be on the cards.

Congratulations Hartley! We have won the battle of nonsense and we will win the war of governmental incompetency.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Tony is back!

Yes you've heard it right. Bliar is back, not on English soil but up to no good in the EU.

TTG pardons her french but here below is the email sent to me from the peuple gentils at the UMP (Sosexy's party)

"Samedi 12 janvier 2008, de 9h00 à 13h00,
suivez en direct le conseil national de l'UMP
en présence de Tony Blair et de Nicolas Sarkozy
Premier grand moment fort de l'année 2008, ce Conseil national sera l'occasion de lancer la campagne pour les élections municipales des 9 et 16 mars prochains.
A trois semaines de la ratification du Traité de Lisbonne par le parlement français, la question des réformes en Europe sera également au cœur des débats.
Tony BLAIR et Nicolas SARKOZY prendront la parole sur ce sujet.

Alors, ne manquez pas ce rendez-vous !" (don't miss this meeting!)


Translation : in a nutshell, Tony Blair campaigns to win EU presidential election bid.

No, it doesn't say that but France might as well pick up that white surrender flag of theirs and wave it around a bit.

One question however, why would ANYONE even La France celebrate the fact that the "I'm-really-a-Catholic-honest" weasel is to discuss and campaign about the Lisbon Treaty.

TTG wouldn't let Tony Blair anoint her feet with his hair-raising mop (as ordoned on the Daily Express cover) in typical Catholic tradition, let alone allow him near any elections/treaties/official work.

Just a small alteration to the french anthem when the day comes, and it shall, when God's earth will witness the 11th plague, the plague of Blairism.

Le jour de gloire n'est pas arrive!

In other news Tony Blair's got a new job - £50,000 a week at a bank -suits him well.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Spews On The News - January 10-11

Terrible Tory Girl returns to her rants after two days at the mercy of pain, SHOCKing musicals and the textbook from hell, Media Law, as her only sworn companion.

Jiminy Cricket: Three Strikes and You're Devout



Another example of utter complete idiotic nonsense. Why on earth should the ref be forced to stand down for a match because the Indian team won't face facts that perhaps one of their players did happen to blurt out monkey taunts to an Aussie player.

Another example of victims punished and whistleblowers found with the whistle firmly wrenched down throat.



Zoo, Where's My Blog?

Zoo mag, known for their exquisite sports coverage and er...life art, have joined the bandwagon and created user blogs.
Now in a game harder than Where's Wally, try find a word to justify the display of crotchless knicker clad women as a blog.
Wait, there's a word...oh no that was just a crease in the near-nue girl's skin.
Here's one of their popular blogs. http://www.zootoday.com/janinex/myPhotos

Watch it readers, you might just be overcome by the pure intellect.


Church: Money is in our prayers

Perhaps TTG is missing a brain cell here and there but her Sunday school days, suspiciously tell her that money is the root of all evil. Does anyone therefore find any flaw in the Church's plan to not just help drunkards but prayers for those who can't keep their plastic inside their trousers.TTG really does not see the effectiveness of those prayers to Lord Almighty. It is clear that those who get themselves to the hilt in credit card bills must love money more than Him.
Hardly a reason for God to want to help these redheads.


Gov: Kids Choosing Easy Subjects to Get Their C

Well this news gives TTG some hope that Brit Kids aren't as stupid as she once thought. If these kids can choose subjects that require little work or little brain activity but still get a host of top marks, they must be simply genius.
We don't give these kids enough credit, that's for sure.
While TTG, insanely and idiotically, picked subjects like French, Latin, History and Religious Studies for A-Level with GCSES on similar tangent, other kiddies are catching on quickly that taking media studies/critical thinking is a fast route to success without putting the work in.

The gov achieved what it wanted - students taking their dumbed down subject bait to make the gov look good on their 2005 election promise, education, education, education.

Well they acheived their aim: Kids have been fully educated in how to become workshy.

Labour: Producing results everytime.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Spews on the News - January 7-8

Miss Terrible Tory Girl has been away from her desk, any messages you may have sent will likely have met her pc's bin or unread while she crooned to cheesy cantatas and channeled her poison for university life into spiteful sonnets.*

Here is the (selected) news brought to you by Francesca Preece.

Haranguers and Multi-Cultural Mash

Bible basher Bishop Michael Nazir-Ali is sitting in the naughty corner after daring to mutter the first words of sanity this year on the consequence of the mish-mash, bangers and mash multi-culturalism experiment.
The right Rev has even been scolded by Lib newcomer Clegroon for talking poppycock about the "no-go Muslim areas."
While the state, the media and God's order have been quick to condemn Nazir's comments, may TTG remind readers of the infamous icebreaker 'you shouldn't come to a Muslim area' for Jacky Straw out and about in the community.
If that isn't enough to convince the doubting Thomas' out there in the UK today, look at the polls where 1/3 of the Islamic population want Sharia Law or stories in the Express.
Better yet why not see these areas Nazir-Ali is too fearful to mention in case another Crusades is on the cards - Just take the example of TTG's homestead in East London.
Before TTG is tarred with the same brush from the paint pot of scapegoatgeneralism, this area alone does contain furvent and fundamental followers of Islam.
And TTG means 'fundamental' in the sense of taking their faith seriously (more seriously than say TTG, an unconventional bibler) and leading their lives literally as according to the pages of the Qu'ran.
An impressive commitment that however on these Eastern streets can alienate and leave other ethnic residents out of place and uncomfortable with this display of ritual life.
The latter leading to discrimination.
The potent mix of a range of strong faiths with the inability of very different racial groups worldwide to join communally, creates shanty ethnic towns where certain races choose only to congregate and live with those of the same ethnic make-up.
The problem Nazir-Ali has encountered is identifying the failed ethnic exodus experiment with Muslims alone - Islam cannot take the blame entire for this sad fiasco. Other factors that he must not overlook are the socialist tradition in Britain after World War II; the secularism of the country; membership of the EU; relaxed laws and qualifications for immigration and citizenship; political correctness; no obligation for newcomers to learn the language.
According to the Bombardian, a govn'r official said Britain has had a tradition of multi-cultural communities living side by side. And for once they would not be lying...since these communities do live side by side just not entwined or integrated fully.
All TTG asks is that these namby pamby politicians wake up to reality and realise what the consequences have been for mass-immigration.
There is no use Clegg and Hague to step on to the political platform denying facts. Nor Nazir-Ali that Muslims in their entirity are to blame for the erosion of the Christian tradition.
The fact is that multi-culturalism simply doesn't work in some areas. Rather than bore bore bore, politicians must put their oratory skills to good use and get to the core core core of these ethnic barriers.
May 2008 be the blossoming of multi-culturalism.

Handy outs: Get job or forget state help

TTG is for the first time in months enthused by Tory policy. Today the Times revealed Cameron's campaign to hit the lazy right where it hurts : their pockets.
David Cameron, in cricket speech (is this a hint to his admiration of former PM and current Cricket patron, John Major, per chance?) says a Tory government will introduce a "three strikes and you're out" policy to cut state-aid to those who turn down work.
It's a start in the right direction, Cammy boy, but giving three chances will not deter many from stuffing public cash in their wallets while sitting on the sofa and watching 'Homes Under the Hammer'.
A tougher line, and politics from Victoria's reign will put those able-bodied back into their dust-covered white collars - outdoor relief.
That shouldn't intervene too much with the ECHR, Dave!

Good Gordian, You Make Me Wanna Puke

If you thought a paper could not be any more gushing and Gordy loving than Dacre's Daily Mail in recent months,check out this piece by the one and only Guardian.
http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,,2236250,00.html
Congrats, Guardy, I pronounce you now doting Brownose. You may now kiss his arse.
Now where's that sick bucket?

*A slight embellishment of the truth may be present