Friday, February 20, 2009

Gordy's one year older, none the wiser

Gordon is in his prime, as he turns the big 58 today. Determined that he shall spend it in style (and stop spending the nation's dosh for at least a day) Terrible Tory Girl has prepared a special e-celebration of Britain's infamous leader.

Will you join TTG in a singing round of 'for he's a jolly bad fellow?'

For he's a jolly bad fellow, for he's a jolly bad fellow
For he's a jolly bad fellow, and so say all of us
And so say all of us, and so say all of us
For he's a jolly bad fellow, for he's a jolly bad fellow
For he's a jolly bad fellow, and so say all of us

TTG has a special gift for the birthday boy that may just help our self-imposed leader. A gift he desperately desires and one he has never seen in his 58 long years.

Put it to good use, won't ya?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

These Labour-ing dogs need your support!


LABOURING dogs face eviction from their homes and face the next few months on the streets, begging desperately for your votes, as the polls show that a record number of Brits don't need them.

This Labouring pack has Gone To The Dogs Fund in the hope of finding new voters who will nurture, care and provide them with support and keep their bank balances afloat.

Spare just one vote or sponsor a dog and you can make a real difference to their political lives.

This week, these dogs need your help:


Age: 58

Breed: Scottish terrier

Gordon was in a bad state when he came to us. His finances were in a mess and he was broken and bruised after his international dog friends left him cowering, paw high in the shit.

Gordon is very mistrustful and mustn't be allowed near any gold products as he has a habit of squandering, laundering and ripping them to shreds.

He is looking for someone/anyone who is prepared to entrust their faith into him and his fiscal financial policies. He needs a safe home constituency and preferably a kennel up in Scotland.


Age: 59

Breed: Harrier

Harry, who doesn't like its gender discussed, found his/her home at Gone To The Dogs Fund after fighting with the other dogs and trying to steal Gordon's job. Harry has a violent temper and is working with our staff to pass a law that all dogs cannot refer to their breeds on the grounds of discrimination.

While one of our older dogs, Harry keeps himself/herself busy and tries to force his/her dominance in the Labouring pack by weeing on her competition.


Age: 63

Breed: Jack Russell

Whitaker was caught up in many scraps over his long life and has been a member of the fund for several years now . A Jack of all trades, there is no job too small for Whitaker to foul up - Foreign secretary, Home Secretary, Lord Chancellor and Justice.


Age: 56

Breed: English Sheepdog

Darling is our longest resident with his career ballsed up since 1997. He is easily manipulated and controlled by his paw peers. Darling needs your help to get him to stand on his own four paws.


Age: 56

Breed: Doberman Pinscher

Dubbed the Dog of Darkness, devilish Prince, is one of our more difficult members. The money pincher pet, who has been caught taking kennels, can be aggressive and intimidating. (Especially towards Tory dogs like King George Spaniels) But in the right hands, he can be a loyal and helpful asset and is good at digging.


Age: 47

Breed: Bearded Collie

This shaggy bitch, Smith, is one of our younger additions. Smith is a possessive and stalker dog who spends her time taking other dogs' bones and snooping in their kennels. Smith however commands a lot of attention in the House Kennel with her plentiful assets - a technique that with your help, can be improved and prove vital in distracting Opposition dogs.


Age: 42

Breed: St Bernard

Eddie, trained to rescue his pack of Labouring dogs, however needs rescuing himself. Please donate one vote to give him the training he desperately needs to appear in public without putting his paw in it.

Friday, February 06, 2009

Dear Gordon, Unhappy Valentine's Day

Click image to read the card

Well, Jesus told us to love our enemy, and Terrible Tory Girl is doing just that! This year, she would like Gordon Brown to be her bittersweet Valentine. (In truth, TTG has a special place in her heart for Liam Fox)

Using the irritatingly wonderful, TTG sent her unloved one Gordon a special card straight from the heart - it bleeds for you, Brown!

While most eye Valentines with cynicism, why not make the most of the commerically evil of holidays by using it to tell Gordon Brown what you really think of him! And the best part? He won't know who it is so no cold calls or arrests by the secret police!

Find out more about the 'Get it off your chest' cause by joining the facebook group, Tell Gordy what you think this Valentine's Day.

Don't forget to send them soon - remember Royal Mail is a load of tosh!

With much love to her fans past and present,

Terrible Tory Girl


Golly, it's the War of the Words

War of the proses ... New Labour policing

Good golly, the War of the Words has broken out - take cover, shut those traps, your dictionary won't save you now.

The word on the street is that vocabulary constabulary have been employed to snoop on the general public and book anyone caught using inappropriate language.

State funded broadcaster, the BBC is thought to be the first to have an in house undercover operation, catching controversial personalities in the act of slipping out derogatory slang.

Comedienne Jo Brand is believed to hold an honorary role after shopping Carol Thatcher to the word services after she used the G word*

Miss Thatcher, who was sacked by the BBC for her slur, faces a year in exile of the spotlight and rehabilitation, a process in which a titanium zip will be sewn into her mouth and cheeks.

Sentences for word crimes vary from a minimum of six months to ten years, longer than murder and manslaughter charges.

Serial offenders will have a chasity retainer placed or in extreme cases, their tongues removed.

In other news, the new edition of family friendly dictionaries will be sold in shops from today. Featuring 500 blank pages, the book contains two words in total which are safe to use. These are:' a' and 'the'.

The vocab constables were forced to remove the rest of the English language after receiving over five million complaints that the words could be miscontrued and used offensively.

Verbal victims are urged to call #473 for free from any pay phone to report language crimes in their area.

*Terrible Tory Girl refrains from printing out the offensive word in its entirety in fear she may too be silenced or worse, made to talk.