Friday, January 23, 2009

Those Obamania headlines again.

Omnipresent ... Obama on the catwalk

Just in case you haven't heard or missed out on the small coverage in the papers, the Messiah has returned to earth. And in other news, Obama becomes President.

Here is the round-up of headlines for Day 3 of his Presidency. *

Obama brings peace to the Middle East

HOURS after closing torture terror camp Guantanamo Bay, superman Barack Obama has brought peace to the Middle East with ONE phone call. Middle Eastern leaders settled their differences after the new President convinced them with a speech written by someone else, that "yes we can have peace".

Obama voted best President

BARACK Obama has topped a poll of best Presidents in America's history despite leading the country for just one day. Obama beat George Washington hands down picking up 98 per cent of the vote of all Americans polled to George's two per cent.

"I love Gordon" says top man Obama

OBAMA has sparked rumours of an affair after being heard blowing kisses in a call to self-imposed leader of Britain, Gordon Brown. Obama was snapped without his wedding ring as he rang his main man in Europe.

Dancing King

OBAMA is set to make a cameo appearance on Dancing with the Stars after impressing judges with his steps at his TEN galas. The president, whose schedule is as light as his toes after finishing his world chores, reckons "he can" cope with the gruelling workout involved.

Happy Obama Day

PRESIDENT Barack Obama has bowed down to pressure and made a public holiday to celebrate himself. The special holiday will take place on January 21st every year with nationals remembering where they were and what they were doing when he was inaugurated.

Miracle Walker

BARACK OBAMA was seen walking on water at his local swimming pool. Fellow swimmers were shocked when their trunked hunk hero stepped on swimmers from one side of the pool to the other. Experts believe this is only the second incident of this kind to ever be recorded.

"Obama saved my life...on the telly"

AN ILLINOIS pensioner was saved from certain death when in his dying moments he heard Obama speak.The pensioner whose heart had relapsed, was revived by hearing the president take his oath.

He said: "I could see the white at the end of the tunnel. I was gone for. But then, I heard that great man speak. It was if he had reached out across the screen and pressed the on button on my heart." Read more of this modern miracle here....

Welcome to the presidential suit - How to get Obama's look

BLACK is the new black. This season dark linen suits are all the rage. We love Jaegar's three piece set for a recession-busting price tag of a zillion US dollars or billion UK Euros. To get his signature look, team black pants with a crisp open white shirt and republican red tie. For accessories, aviator sunglasses, bulletproof car and gowned arm candy in the form of Michelle.

Tissue-makers blown away by record sales

KLEENEX is celebrating world record sales after three tons of tissues were sold on ONE day alone. January 21st has made history in Kleenex's accounts after snivelling Americans and Probamanians across the world snapped up the tissues in preparation for the big day.

Not of this earth ... Obama hailed the second Jesus

DISCIPLES have begun writing the next chapter of the bible, convinced that Barack Obama is the son of God. The Book of Obama, which will reveal his five years' long journey to the White House from obscurity, will be in shops next week retailed at $35.99.

*For libel reasons, Terrible Tory Girl would like to declare that this is a poor attempt at satire. None of the above carries any truth...for now.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Plane stupid

IT'S OFFICIAL, Labour have runway with the fairies!

TTG may not be the greenest of folk, but even she realises the folly of the third runway larky - let's cut carbon emission by 80 per cent by 2050 by, er, flying more planes and destroying hundreds of homes.

Wow, looney Hoon, you've thought this through haven't you? Shame other MPs don't have the satisfaction. See, in true Sovietesque style, debate is closed. MPs, being so busy and all, don't need to worry their little heads about something so irrelevant, do they? Labour have kindly made up their minds for them - a fact not welcomed by mace-throwing backbencher John McDonnell.

But John, you must remember, this Heath row is not for you to decide, Broon's half-baked decision tis final. We must be silent and fork out the £30 billion asking price - no doubt this lump sum will be the justification to print more dough a la style Zimbabwe.

Apparently this money throwing exercise will create thousands of jobs. But when the number of flights will only double once we're in 2030, will the airport really need 70k worth of people standing around? Besides, who guesses that the positions will be filled with our EU quota worth of migrants - we have our 'international standing' to worry about remember, we can't be filling our airstaff full of home grown citoyens, can we?

So far, the perks seem immense. But Hoon gives us this little sweetener - "cleanest planes"
Wow, that's TTG signed up. TTG just assumed no new runway would be healthier for our environment but she was evidently wrong. So, TTG assumes that there won't be any extra cost in tax or fares then if we will use the very best in green transport?

Then there's the claim that the new runway will see off our EU competitors. We have no worry of that, we always have plenty of people coming into the UK via plane - nothing to do with England's rep as a haven for freeloading at all.

Tourism has never been better, Hoon. As for justifying the explansion, well, yes Paris has five, Germany has about four...hurrah for them. They have plenty of land just hanging around. TTG doesn't know if Geoff's noticed but those two countries are a far sighter bigger than ours.

Also in Geoff's fiscal transport portfolio:

* A fantastic plan to offer wider transport by wiping the village of Sipson off the map - 700 homes will be destroyed

*A high-speed rail line between London and Scotland - this way our Caledonian chums in parliament don't have to spend too long in the tip that is England.

Not in Geoff's fiscal transport portfolio:

* Better transport full-stop

* Better rail links for the country apart from just in London - Is it even possible to travel West to East in England?

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Things Can Only Got Debted...

THANK God there is a God (Yes, He does exist, Darwin)!

TTG hopes His son Jesus doesn't take too long making his second coming to the world cos it needs bailing out and our last Saviour Gordon wasn't much use.

Who forgets such classic plans, from our balls-up Prem? :

  • curing Africa of poverty by er, splurging out on mosquito nets on American Pop Idol;
  • showing his statesmanship by visiting only Obama in the run-up to the election;
  • Saving the world of Northern Rock and the fat cat banks who showed their appreciation by flashing their Gov cash on lavish exec parties;
  • Refusing to help Woolworths and watched it disappear along with its 27,000 workforce;
  • Yet while at the same time, offering cash to save Jaguar, the preferred car dealer of Prescott, whose entire workforce operates, er, overseas
  • Showing strong national leadership by refusing any chance of his upheaval
  • Standing up for British interests by signing away the country for Europe's own disposal and throwing in our companies too.
  • Solidating our nation as a formidable trader by importing everything from China, a new superpower, and borrowing wads of cash from them at the same time

But that's just for starters! Blackadder Brown and Baldrick his Chancellor have plenty more where that comes from, rolled up theirs sleeve and this latest cunning plan is the WORST yet...


Uh-oh, Britain really is bankrupt. Thanks Brown, what a wonderful and thoughtful gift.

Things can only get better with printing more dough, eh? Maybe for you when bread costs a £1000 a slice.

Things can only get worse.....

You can't run your bath
You can't buy your shoes

Let's print more money
And spend our way through

But baby
You ain't never gonna keep your pay
You ain't never gonna throw me

But I know you...
Teach you now that

Things can only get debted

Can only get, can only get
They get on from here

You know, I know that

Things can only get debted

I sometimes lose myself in me

I lose track of time

And I can't see China's loan fees
British debt plight rising as Labour blow and blow
You're too late, Britain's screwed
I got my personal health to deal with

And I say

Its not enough
Pay your dues
Balk like that
You'll be in debt too

Things can only get debted
Can only get debted
Now I've found you
(That means me)
(Will you teach me now)

Things can only get debted
Can only get debted
Now the pound's screwed

It's true, it's true
You... show our prejudice and greed

You show me how
I must find cash to burn and to seize
I look at things now
In a different light than I did before
I found the clause
And I think that you could give me more And I say

Its not enough
Pay your dues

Balk like that
You'll be in debt too

Things can only get, can only get

Things can only get, can only get,

Things can only get, can only get

Things can only get, can only get

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Purnell? What a loser!

Labour really are a bunch of losers. Not content on their claim to fame of broken Britain; taxes firmly pushed to the hilt of each and of us; running down our pound to the ground; the rise of the non-working classes who can't afford to miss out on Britain's benefit bonanza; sponsoring health packs to protect in and out patients of catching a nasty bug on their stay in a "hospital";

TTG could go on....and she will at a later date but for now, let us concentrate on just one of Labour's non opi: James Purnell.

The sporty thirty-something Work and Pensions Sec is a Lost cause. Boasting an impressive backhand with his days in the sport office posing for photocalls (or more often photoshop), not much else can be said for this bland boyish minister with a nack for losing his p.e kit, confidential papers, security passes....

Luckily for the cheeky Cabineteer, his pass and lunch money were dutifully handed in by a member of public.

Next time, James, lose yourself. Your tough love policies on the work shy seem to have been lost too. In translation that is. When exactly will you and your "mates" get your act together?

Is it really that difficult to press the off switch on the Labour's cash tap?
Is it really that difficult to stick to a policy?
Is it really that difficult to get to a photocall on time and not end up photoshopping yourself in?
Is it really that difficult to keep your belongings together and not leave them on a tube/street?

Well obviously, James it is really that difficult for you. You're a liability, it's time you went...back to school.

You too, Gordon.

Switch off the lights when you go.