Thursday, August 28, 2008

60 millionth arrest for Brown murder plot

POLICE have placed themselves under arrest after the whole nation was found to be plotting to rid of "their meddlesome fleece beast".

Reports from popular rags printed that the fifth person was under arrest but sources close to the prime minister reveal that the number is far closer to 60 million.

It is believed soaring prices, and the rise of his Wednesday Addams smile drove the public to the edge as they ruthlessly planned his demise.

Gordon Brown has decided to continue in his post even in light of these revelations. "Go now, we want to see you leave...."


And in other news, TTG turns 21 today - she has only one birthday wish - put an end to slave Labour, support the Tories.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Going, going, gone....for Gold...

....The Gov give the athletes a run for their money.

Olympiorum finum - thank fuck!

Finally after the longest two weeks in history, the pro British farce has come to an end, with our top athletes (all dames and dukes you know) coming in at a measley 4th. By the constant politburo style propaganda, you would have thought Britain was topping the league but no, we suck, per usual.

The sad Brit flag anaraks aside, Brown and Boris made what should be a joyful experience for cynics like TTG into one from hell. Necking something strong before hitting the stage, Boris proclaimed "ping pong is coming home" before Brown, who had evidently gone too far in smuggling laughing gas, beamed like the Cheshire cat with a smile lined with slime and oozing with sleaze. Their little shacking up on the stage won the gold for cringeworthiness, with our disastrous stereotype cheese bus routine coming in at silver and Cuban taekwondo pro picking up the bronze for his kicking of the ref.

TTG is quite partial to that type of irony. Perhaps she could whack all the sad viewers of this terrible spectacle with her laptop before that gets stolen.

Puzzling TTG even more was the inclusion of pop tart Leona and David Beckham. Yes David is a footballer but last time TTG checked football wasn't an olympic event, it's not even a proper sport with the players kicking bags of money from one team pitch to another.

TTG supposes on the count of money that the Olympics is not much different-a contest to see who can waste the most dosh on a pointless exercise. In the immortal words of Ozzy-God bless- Osbourne, why pay a fortune when we can watch a man run around a track for free at the gym?

Gordy, this may have been your chance to get to your soapbox to pledge the wonder of Pro-Britain but isn't it funny how the big games to be hosted in our home hovel will not come out of every Briton's pockets, only those unlucky to live in the South East. Even Gordy won't have to pay for it, being in his native Scotchland. TTG bets thats why he is smiling so.

Your sadness makes him smile

SMILE - A song by Gordon to his public:

When you first left me I was wanting more
But you were voting that guy next door, what cha do that for (what cha do that for)
When you first left me I didn't know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my Chinese friends
I found an Olympic light in the tunnel at the end
Now I'm calling you up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack
I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help myself
See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell


Mrs DemenTed

Carol, stop making money out of your mother's name! We know Mrs T has dementia so stop snatching milk from the public cash cow. Go get lost in the jungle. What happened to respecting your parents? Journalists, eh? They'd sell their own mothers for a story. Or eat a bull's testacle...


So that explains why Brown was so quick to show his respect for the dead Dougal. He quite half fancied hushing the part where the late MP had wanted to sue the hell out of the gov for refusing to pay up compensation for the disease that killed him.

Why couldn't the gov pay up? They happily spend our money on Jags, flats, everything and the kitchen sink. Does a jag really mean more than a life?

Home Office Losers

43 laptops? 94 mobiles? Why on earth do we let out the House of Commons to such a bunch of losers?

Is this New Labour's latest policy to cut down on crime figures by er, "misplacing" the evidence?
They're not the smartest criminals TTG has seen. At least wipe the memory sticks or have a list of passwords, other than the mundrane password. Even block mobiles...

Whoops. Did TTG just give the gov ideas on how to rid of their incriminating stash?

It's strange they are having a real difficulty looking after their computers (just say no to taking them home with you). They didn't have a problem with rigging ballot papers, did they, eh?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

EXCLUSIVE: Government laugh off democracy

The people have spoken yet Gordy sure ain't listening. Faced with the fact that Bolshy Clarkson, of Top Gear host fame, is more popular than he, after 47,000 odd voters signed in favour of handing the No.10 keys to Jez, Brown slammed his Iron firmly down.

For Brown, democracy and epetitions are a joke as demonstrated by his team's reaction:

Tuesday 19 August 2008

PMClarkson - epetition response

We received a petition asking:

“We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to make Jeremy Clarkson Prime Minister.”

Details of Petition:

“Jezza is legend and deserves a chance to run the country.”

· Read the petition
· Petitions homepage

Read the Government’s response

We thought long and hard about the request to make Jeremy Clarkson the Prime Minister and in the end we put our thoughts down in a short film on YouTube. You can take a look here

....and there was us thinking democracy was alive and well. D'oh.

Monday, August 11, 2008


Going for gold... Gordon in race

Britain has won a second gold medal just minutes after cyclist Nicole Cooke pedalled to success earlier today.

Dawdler Gordon Brown, who is prime minister by night, scooped the gold prize after beating world leader records of staying put in one spot for over ten years.

The stubborn Scot, despite reports of the sportsman not being in shape and not up to the job, beat off no opposition to remain in the top spot.

Critics in the public jeered that ‘he was a bottler’ after he failed to show for the contest last October.

While the one-man contest is legit under contest rules, Brown still proves to be unpopular in the sportsworld.

Joe Bloggs said: “He didn’t even give Cameron (Brown’s rival) a chance. He never had to face the public – how is that democratic?

Bloggs added.” He’s like a bad smell, he refuses to go whatever you do. Opinion polls across the country have said he should give up the game but he refuses to listen.”

Britain’s answer to Musharraf

Brown, who at 57 is young in the immobile world, however has had support from former prime athlete, Mrs Thatcher who hopes he sticks to his guns and stays until at least 2010.

Brown rose to motionless success after training Tony Blair in the sport. Mrs Thatcher, in her prime, had managed to stay put for eleven years, a personal best beat by Brown’s student in 2007.

Gordon, who has been hit by controversy in the past after claims he had stolen his rivals’ techniques, is confident he can beat his new record.

Rival David Cameron is set to pip Gordon, 13 years his senior, once Gordon sets the date of the next contest.

But as Alex Salmond, Scottish champ said: "I've got news for David - I don't think there's going to be an imminent general contest somehow."

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Coming soon....TTG's Daily De-bait

TTG has been forced to take involuntary redundancy from her wonderful T.O.R.Y blog and shan't be back on to your screens until Mr Modem and Mr BT hook up and arrange a meeting for this blogster to return to the cyberforce.

TTG'll be back...and that's the truth.

For the meantime, do not fret, breathe deeply, in and out and read about the terrible Tory girl's latest feature, the Daily De-bait.

The De-bait, as the name entails will be a discussion on a snippet of news that has got TTG lined and hooked to her pc monitor.

It might be celeb gossip, might be politics, anything that comes to mind....but this is where you come in.

Updated daily (well hopefully), TTG wants you to submit your views, give suggestions for topics and have more of a say on her site - abuse directed towards her is fine but don't abuse the abuse.

So, with no further delay, on to today's discussion:


*Political access courses?
*x years unpaid volunteer work in constituency?
*x hours requirement in the Commons?
*Capped expenses?
*Commission based work - more they attend meetings, more they earn?

What do YOU think? Tell her here.

Mouses at the ready....