Spews On The News - October 30

Welcome to today's Spews On The News, brought to you by Terrible Tory Girl

1. Happy 405th Birthday Ming! http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2007/oct/29/clam -

Congratulations are in order for Ming! It would seem that the biology world haven't forgotten his two year reign as Lib Dem head - a 405 year old mollusc has uncannily been nicknamed Ming. Would this be a sneaky jibe at Campbell per chance?

2. The Copying Game: Irresponsible Journalism

Concerns of increasingly younger employees in the media have been realised after it was revealed that most of today's journos belong in the classroom.

Three reporters were seen bullying interviewees and tell-tale titting on national television broadcasts last night.

Cathy Newman, political correspondent of Channel 4, one of the accused, attacked Cameron for copying Sabre Party ideas. "You're just copying them aren't you?"

Julie Etchingham, of the popular Sky news crowd, giggled with pals of Blameron's immigration policy, deeming it as 'extermination.'

The other, a Paxmanophile, also on Channel 4, verbally lunged into Immigration Minister, Liam Byrnes, shouting 'Poles...poles...what about the Poles?' incessantly......

(Ed...And they say politics has gone to the dogs...looks more like the classroom to me)

(Ed. I retract that statement, it wasn't meant for broadcast. Sorry journo chums)

3. Millisand Stands Up Saudi King

David 'Brangelina' Millisand stood up his important date, King Abdullah, deciding instead to adopt a son. Millisand, who has since gone on paternity leave, claims the timing of the adoption was 'entirely coincidental.' As coincidental as the timing of the Labour leadership contest earlier this year and the foreign secretary job opening it would seem.

4. EngLand of Votes And Tory - http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article2759813.ece

Englots may be given the devolution franchise in years to come. Cam Cam and Scot Rifkind are up to their sleeves in paperwork for a bill to have only English MPs voting on English issues. While the Terrible Tory Girl herself welcomes such plans, there are a few hiccups to be cured.

1) What/who counts as English?

2) Considering most MPS are Scottish in Westminister, how could Scots vote on matters affecting their English constituencies?

3) And would these Scottish actually give the green-go ahead for this in the first place?

4) And if they did, wouldn't Scots and Welshies vote on the implementation of the bill thus defeating the whole point?

5) And if the bill were to be passed, where would the extra Britons go if there were to be a vote or debate in the commons - would they skulk in the corner like naughty school children?

6) And would Brown be able to give answers on English issues in PMQ?

5. EXCLUSIVE: Organic Food Is Healthier - http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/86972.php

Attention jacket potatoers, put down that ginormous, glutenous GM glazed doughnut and get munching homegrown greens. Scientists have discovered that organic food is in fact healthier than its non-fresh counterpart!

Apparently, perhaps thanks to financial incentives from organic companies, England's geniuses have proven organic food to be 40 per cent better than your run of the mill free range eggs or semi-skimmed milk.

Maybe that or perhaps that non-organic produce is pumped to the brim with chemicals and stabilisers has something to do with its unhealthy count.

To put it incolloquially or crudely, 'no shit, Sherlock.' Can I have a side order of real organic news?

Treasury Island

Treasury Island

(Inspired by those irritatingly amusing Orange Ads at the cinema.)

Scene 1:
A producer goes to the Blue Caricature Board to pitch the revamp of the cult children’s classic, ‘Treasure Island’ on the big screen.


Pitcher: It’s a story of pirates, treachery, friendship and gunfights...

Terrible Tory: Ah sounds quite a lot like the Lib Dem fiasco. Minus the pirates, add several pent-up squabbling politicians and tah, dah, a modern adaptation of the child hit. I call it, Treasury Island.

Pitcher: But Treasure Island was written by Stevenson - there wouldn’t have been those looney left dum-dums nor a Treasury. It’s defunct.

Terrible Tory: I can see it now. An epic adventure across political stormy waters to track down the treasure - the parliamentary leader crown. And for the cast? Well Charles Kennedy can be the infamous Captain Flint with an apparent fondness for the rum (empty bottle motions) then there’s Campbell who’s a dead ringer for Billy Bones, Gillie Bones to you, geddit?
(pitcher frowns)… Ming, the ex-pirate, who checks into the Admiral BenBow, which can be changed for LibDemWoe, to hide from the one legged man. Leg, Clegg? It has a ring to it. Here steps/hops in Nick Clegg as Long John Silver - the protégé pirate...

Pitcher:… (Interrupts) But but…Nick Clegg is not a pirate. When do you see him out in the seven seas???

Terrible Tory: Seven Seas salt of course in the Commons canteen. Besides like that Island book by Robert whats-his-face, Clegg was keen to get his hands on that treasure. Even kill with his bare hands….Didn’t peg leg Clegg say he was hunting for the treasure even before the treasure was up for grabs? Fishy…

Pitcher: I don’t see how this is relevant. Campbell may be jibed for his age by the ruthless press, but he sure the hell wasn’t around in Stevenson’s time!
Terrible Tory: Modern day, pitcher! Get with the picture. (ha) So Clegg steps in as the role of Long John Silver, the popular and dashing pirate. Clegg’s perfect. He was voted sexiest MP you know? Even beating that Cameron one…maybe we can get him in this, as an extra..I like it.

Pitcher: We wouldn’t need him either! We need actors not politicians.
Terrible Tory: (Grins) Aren’t they the same thing? So where was I, yes, cast Clegg, then the main character James Hawkins, the other Liberal treasure hunter Chris Huhne.

Pitcher: Have you in fact read the book?

Terrible Tory: My boy, who needs books when you have film? So Huhne’s the impressionable teen pirate at the inn on Cowardly Street…

Pitcher: I believe the lib HQ is on Cowley Street and if you knew your politics, you’d know that Huhne is 53!

Terrible Tory: Good thing you’re here to keep to the facts. Wow, this film is sounding exciting.

Pitcher: (protests) But, but, the facts are that it is a Stevenson novel about pirates! Not politicians, not Clegg not Huhne. They’re not important! (screams)

Terrible Tory: (Ignores protests) Then there’s the part of Ben Gunn…the pirate abandoned on the island….we need a cheeky one, almost comical who was keen on the treasure in the past. I got it. Gosh, I’m a genius. Used to date a weathergirl off the telly and now a popster….

Pitcher: I think you mean Opik, but it wouldn’t matter because this film surprisingly wouldn’t have him in the cast credits either! Stick to the story. Stick to the script.

Terrible Tory: Don’t worry, I am. So, er, our hero Huhne, the shy and awkward Hawkins sets sail with Clegg and co. for the party prize hidden in the Treasury Island. Huhne meets Opik - bound to be a hit with the chick vote - who promises to help them.

Pitcher: Are we even reading from the same script?

Terrible Tory: So yeah, that Cable geezer can play Captain Smollett, who gets shot when Clegg and co turn out to be the demons, Lib Demons. Nice.
Pitcher: Have you even read the book, one page, one sentence? Hawkins finds out that Clegg, I mean, One Legged John Silver wants to kill them. (breathes sharply) Silver discovers he knows the truth and offers a truce, their lives for the route to the treasure.

Terrible Tory: Ya-di-ya, I get the picture pitcher. Our Huhney and Clegg get the treasure with the help of Opik. The next day, the treasure is gone and so too is Clegg…he’s run off to share it with Cameron!!
Huhne decides not to go looking for it again. The end. Fireworks. The works. Bravissimo.

Pitcher: That’s it, I’m off to Fox - even they could not destroy the book anymore than you. (storms off)

Terrible Tory: Shiver me timbers, pitcher, watch out for that plank!

Terrible Tory: (among colleagues) Wow that pitcher was nice. So what was the next film, a feature length of that kid clad tv whiz chef show - Big Cook, Little Cook - Big Crook, Little Cook ? What do you say to our prem starring and the late red haired Cook?….

DON’T LET FRANCESCA RUIN YOUR BOOKS. PLEASE SWITCH HER OFF.

The Wonder Of Poetry - Filia Diaboli

Vacant blue eyes clock to the autumn moon, from the Brimstone slab,

Treading in tip-toed jerks, shoelace stringents of pity pump the live shell with diluteless depression.

Her paper heart scrunches and unravels as gluttonous glands secrete acidic messages of adoration.

Flushed of affection, the patchwork of racial flesh, pieced together by binds of impaled intestine, stirs from slumber.

Immoral cells collate as crookedly His child despondently creaks from her nest.

Colubrine snakes feast and fester in the child’s skull, feeding on cascading fear.

Pewter lips part, gulping the air of apathy.

Rocking on precarious heels, she stumbles, leg shod to her master.

Cracking at the seams, hellish tears smoulder and perish the maverick mass into shards of left-over bone.

Femur masked foes pour in shadow-draped droves, flocking to the devilish Messiah.

In carmine palms clutch the skin of quartered Tartarians.

Clothed in human form, the devil’s daughter stalks the barren war ground, over head, lulling

human meek into ages of treachery.

Campbell's Last Soup

Campbell’s Last Soup - Lark14:12-25a

Synopsis: The Almighty Ming prepares the Passover of Power


12 On the fifteenth day of October, when it was customary to sacrifice the Passover leader, Ming’s Imbeciles asked him “Where do you want us to go and make preparations for your Passover of power?”

13 So he sent two of his Imbeciles, Chris Huhne and Nick Clegg, telling them, “Go into parliament and a man holding the keys to number ten will meet you. Follow him.

14 Say to the owner of number ten, ‘The Almighty Ming asks: where is my new office, where I may do my Passover of power?’

15 He will show you a large office, furnished and ready, make preparations for my Passover of power there.”

16 The Imbeciles left, went into the city and found things just as the Almighty Ming had told them. So they prepared the Passover of Power.

17 When evening came, Ming arrived with 11 of his 29 cabinet members.

18 While they were reclining at the desk, reading the newspaper, Ming said, “I tell you the truth, one of us will betray the party – one in this room.”

19 The Imbeciles were saddened, and one by one they said to him, “Surely not I? "

20 “It is one of the twelve, “ he replied, “one who dips bread not in the Campbell bowl of soup but in another scotch broth.”

21 The Son of Runs will go quickly just as it is written about him in the tabloids. But woe to that man who betrays the Son of Runs! It would be better for him if he had not been torn politically.”

22 While they prepared the Passover, Ming took the party, gave thanks and broke it and gave it to his Disciples, saying, “Take it; this is my former party.”

23 Then he took the cup of Campbell’s soup, gave thanks and offered it to them, and they all drank from it.

24 “This is my blood of the new political covenant, which is poured out for the few, he said to them

25 “I tell you the truth, I will not drink again of the Campbell’s soup until that day when I drink it in the kingdom of Gordy.

25a “Verily I tell unto you that I have betrayed you Imbeciles. As you plotted a Passover of power from the very beginning, I too plotted. The Son Of Runs will rise again after three days in the Kingdom of Gordy.

'I Wanna Break You In Two' - King Gordy's Singing Debut

Away from running the country and hoarding tax payer's cash, our Premier hero has a secret second life - singing in this year's big sensation musical hit, 'The Bungle Crook' featuring all your favourites - 'Straw Can't' ; 'Daa'(ling) and not forgetting 'Blearoo.'

To celebrate the release of the production to showcase for the next two years in Westminister, we reveal a sneak peak at the lyrics which made King Gordy an international star- ' I Wanna Break You In Two.' -

The Bungle Crook - 'I Wanna Break You In Two'

"Now I'm the king of the taxers, Cam

Oh, the gov’ment VIP

I've reached the top and faced the chop

And that's what botherin' me

I wanna be a man, CamHub

And stroll right out the pound

And be just like the Euro men

I'm tired of the media hounds

(Chorus)

Aye, on PMQ

I wanna break you in two

I wanna make you black and blue,

Balk like you, too

You'll see it's true

A thug like me

Can learn to be Tory too

(Gee, cousin Tony

You did real good

Now here's your part of the deal cuz

Lap the secret on me of Cam's blue empire)"

Catch October 10th's Oscar nominated performance on the following link:

http://www.number10.gov.uk/output/page306.asp

(Terrible Tory Girl thanks Uncle Bunny for help with last stanza and paint-distortion - thanks, my dear.)

Stand Up, Pucker Up

Hello, boys, let’s get political.

I come to you from Tory towers, with a new kind of politics, guaranteed to get your heart racing involving these very lips.

As part of my personal policy plan, Stand Up, Pucker Up, I pledge to kiss any constituent who signs the week’s chosen petition.*

For a chance to get up close with your politician hopeful, sign http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/Election-year/

Over the coming weeks, I will be revealing more than just my pretty face but also what plans I have for you in the not so distant future.

Don’t get held down by detail, let me undress my policies to the bare minimum.

I desire to

· Strip away bureaucracy and red tape
· Take off taxes that hit hard the poor
· Shower good boys and girls with financial incentives
· Whip young adults and teens into shape with subsidised fitness courses


Drop me a line sometime,

Yours,

Terrible Tory Girl

XxX

* Constituents must have groomed lips, unchapped and must carry paper proof that they signed the petition. One kiss per constituent. The kiss cannot be exchanged for a sexual act but can be constituted with a hug.

Walter the Softy Takes Over Number 10

As Brown cowers from the poll he so readily publicised on his three month's election trail, I jump on the Private Eye bandwagon and spoof the PM in the Scottish comic strip the Beano. Meet Falter the Scotty


Scene 1 -Best Man Contest

Falter the Scotty talks to the Scotty gang, Alistair ”Sweet” Darling, Des “Bertie” Browne and Douglas ”Nightshirt” Alexander at Meano HQ

Falter: Sob. That menace Cameron with those blue and green stripes is bringing tears to my eyes. That speech, which I, of course did not sit glued to the television watching, has cost me votes - those votes I cleverly collected for three months with my curry favouring with those common voters. Oh Scotties have you a plan to silence and stop that Cameron in his right tracks? (knocks knees and trembles)

Nightshirt Alexander: Aye Falter, we Scotties know what’s best for the voters in the lowlands. The voters won’t be fooled by that genus menace and his numeric nonsense.

Falter: But the polls, Nightshirt. That callous Cameron may foil our policy plans. Have you seen the dastardly devilish Telegraph and the Spews of the World? He has already caught on to our conniving hospital reopening trick, our faked Basra order and our return to spin. (shivers and rattles jaw)

Sweet Darling: (rubs hands with glee) We could cancel the Best Man contest - you are undoubtedly the most brilliant, most gravitas ridden politician of our times - we don’t need a poll to prove that fact. (drools and touches Falter’s shoulder affectionately)

Falter: (Trembles, teeth chattering) But those terrible Tories under the menace will rat us out and accuse us of being sissies, chickens or worse, gutless. I can’t have my Scotty reputation dented by that mischievous menace.

Nightshirt: But prime Falter, retreating and turning tail will keep the Scotties in No 10. Those silly blue collars have always seen the Scotties as the compassionate, virtuous sanction. Plus, with our system of selective spin, those council resident drones will see the Scotties again in a favourable light.

Falter: Bertie Browne?

Bertie Browne: Ach no dear Falter. Every single day we deliver, we have the strength to change Britain… (trails off his earlier speech)

Falter: (Hisses) Bertie, now is not the time to ladel me with those lies. Do I stick to the poll plan or do I scarper with that hoarded £40 billion, the dear grown-ups have forgotten about?

Scotties: (Collectively putting their heads in the sand) Ach, nay poll.


Scene 2: Falter goes on Andrew Marr’s Show


Falter:(fidgets, simpers and whimpers) : No election, lads and gurls - I have a vision for change. Nothing to do of course with that green and blue striped menace. Besides, we would have won. That’s why we are not having a contest of this kind for another two years…you will have forgotten all about my bottler ways by then. Nightshirt, you’re sacked.

Little Blue Riding Hood

Once upon a time there was a dear young man named David, who loved the colour blue more than anything else. His clothes were blue, his views were blue and his heart was blue. The colour blue suited David so well that he became known as Little Blue Riding Hood.
One day, after ten years of high rates of income, inheritance and council tax, increasing state control and illegal warfare, Little Blue heard that the public were unhappy and so decided to cook up a home-made policy plan embracing the colour green as well as blue to try to cheer up the public.
But the Central Office did not like the colour green. Green, they said, would not relieve the public of their political blues.
With Brown Wolf already scooping up their smiles and cheers from the public, the Central Office did not think that Little Blue could make a difference.
Little Blue was sad but not defeated. He picked up his secret policy notes that he had hidden from the Brown wolf in fear that he may gobble them up for himself and set out for Blackpool.
As Little Blue entered the political jungle, he saw Brown Wolf but was not afraid. Little Blue said to Brown wolf. "So, Brown, what's it going to be? Why don't you go ahead and call that election? Let the people pass judgment on ten years of broken promises."
The Brown wolf smiled crookedly and produced from his pocket the favourable press coverage and the month’s political polls, with Brown Wolf higher in popularity.
Little Blue did not stir at the figures and replied, “If you treat [the public] like fools you don't deserve to run the country let alone win an election. We will win.”
At this, Little Blue continued on the right path, leading to Blackpool.
The Brown Wolf, however, keen to stay popular, speeded to the house of the public.
Rubbing his gruff claws in glee, he thought of a dastardly plan: to call back 1000 loved-ones from Basra which would stop the public listening to Little Blue’s idea of giving them more power.
As Little Blue thought up policies such as strengthening borders, putting more police on the beat, bringing back blazers and offering elite education, Brown Wolf had sneakily enticed the public through deception because he knew that an order to bring back Basra troops by Christmas would make the public forget all about Little Blue and forget about their desire for a referendum…

To Be Continued…

Will the public be saved from Brown Wolf? Will Little Blue rescue them from another ten years of spin, lies, taxes and control?

Find out in the next instalment of Little Blue Riding Hood.

Blah Blah Brown Sheep

A modern rhyme for modern times:

Blah Blah Brown Sheep, have you any hool*?
Yes cur** , yes, cur** three bags null,
One for the tax payer and one for the lame
And one for the little goy*** that lives down the plain.

By Terrible Tory Girl

*Hool – Estonian word for ‘care’
**cur – despicable man/mongrel
***goy – offensive word meaning Christian