Treasury Island

Treasury Island

(Inspired by those irritatingly amusing Orange Ads at the cinema.)

Scene 1:
A producer goes to the Blue Caricature Board to pitch the revamp of the cult children’s classic, ‘Treasure Island’ on the big screen.


Pitcher: It’s a story of pirates, treachery, friendship and gunfights...

Terrible Tory: Ah sounds quite a lot like the Lib Dem fiasco. Minus the pirates, add several pent-up squabbling politicians and tah, dah, a modern adaptation of the child hit. I call it, Treasury Island.

Pitcher: But Treasure Island was written by Stevenson - there wouldn’t have been those looney left dum-dums nor a Treasury. It’s defunct.

Terrible Tory: I can see it now. An epic adventure across political stormy waters to track down the treasure - the parliamentary leader crown. And for the cast? Well Charles Kennedy can be the infamous Captain Flint with an apparent fondness for the rum (empty bottle motions) then there’s Campbell who’s a dead ringer for Billy Bones, Gillie Bones to you, geddit?
(pitcher frowns)… Ming, the ex-pirate, who checks into the Admiral BenBow, which can be changed for LibDemWoe, to hide from the one legged man. Leg, Clegg? It has a ring to it. Here steps/hops in Nick Clegg as Long John Silver - the protégé pirate...

Pitcher:… (Interrupts) But but…Nick Clegg is not a pirate. When do you see him out in the seven seas???

Terrible Tory: Seven Seas salt of course in the Commons canteen. Besides like that Island book by Robert whats-his-face, Clegg was keen to get his hands on that treasure. Even kill with his bare hands….Didn’t peg leg Clegg say he was hunting for the treasure even before the treasure was up for grabs? Fishy…

Pitcher: I don’t see how this is relevant. Campbell may be jibed for his age by the ruthless press, but he sure the hell wasn’t around in Stevenson’s time!
Terrible Tory: Modern day, pitcher! Get with the picture. (ha) So Clegg steps in as the role of Long John Silver, the popular and dashing pirate. Clegg’s perfect. He was voted sexiest MP you know? Even beating that Cameron one…maybe we can get him in this, as an extra..I like it.

Pitcher: We wouldn’t need him either! We need actors not politicians.
Terrible Tory: (Grins) Aren’t they the same thing? So where was I, yes, cast Clegg, then the main character James Hawkins, the other Liberal treasure hunter Chris Huhne.

Pitcher: Have you in fact read the book?

Terrible Tory: My boy, who needs books when you have film? So Huhne’s the impressionable teen pirate at the inn on Cowardly Street…

Pitcher: I believe the lib HQ is on Cowley Street and if you knew your politics, you’d know that Huhne is 53!

Terrible Tory: Good thing you’re here to keep to the facts. Wow, this film is sounding exciting.

Pitcher: (protests) But, but, the facts are that it is a Stevenson novel about pirates! Not politicians, not Clegg not Huhne. They’re not important! (screams)

Terrible Tory: (Ignores protests) Then there’s the part of Ben Gunn…the pirate abandoned on the island….we need a cheeky one, almost comical who was keen on the treasure in the past. I got it. Gosh, I’m a genius. Used to date a weathergirl off the telly and now a popster….

Pitcher: I think you mean Opik, but it wouldn’t matter because this film surprisingly wouldn’t have him in the cast credits either! Stick to the story. Stick to the script.

Terrible Tory: Don’t worry, I am. So, er, our hero Huhne, the shy and awkward Hawkins sets sail with Clegg and co. for the party prize hidden in the Treasury Island. Huhne meets Opik - bound to be a hit with the chick vote - who promises to help them.

Pitcher: Are we even reading from the same script?

Terrible Tory: So yeah, that Cable geezer can play Captain Smollett, who gets shot when Clegg and co turn out to be the demons, Lib Demons. Nice.
Pitcher: Have you even read the book, one page, one sentence? Hawkins finds out that Clegg, I mean, One Legged John Silver wants to kill them. (breathes sharply) Silver discovers he knows the truth and offers a truce, their lives for the route to the treasure.

Terrible Tory: Ya-di-ya, I get the picture pitcher. Our Huhney and Clegg get the treasure with the help of Opik. The next day, the treasure is gone and so too is Clegg…he’s run off to share it with Cameron!!
Huhne decides not to go looking for it again. The end. Fireworks. The works. Bravissimo.

Pitcher: That’s it, I’m off to Fox - even they could not destroy the book anymore than you. (storms off)

Terrible Tory: Shiver me timbers, pitcher, watch out for that plank!

Terrible Tory: (among colleagues) Wow that pitcher was nice. So what was the next film, a feature length of that kid clad tv whiz chef show - Big Cook, Little Cook - Big Crook, Little Cook ? What do you say to our prem starring and the late red haired Cook?….

DON’T LET FRANCESCA RUIN YOUR BOOKS. PLEASE SWITCH HER OFF.