Thursday, November 12, 2009

Those Spectator awards in full

Mandy gets a hand from the Spectator who dub him as the alpha male, and top politician of the year. His greasy pole dancing came up trumps. Read on to see the rest of the prizes up for grabs for our power-hungry politicos.

Parliamentarian award of the year - A shock picking, Harriet Harman is crowned Queen of the parliamentarians for her work for women, making it easier for women to get off crime, to get jobs and especially jobs in parliament. Women nationwide are grateful I'm sure, Harry!

Survivor - Alistair Darling, in Destiny's Child style, is a survivor and still managed to hold on against all odds. Bit like Brown keeping a tenure in British politics. Why didn't Brown win?

Best speech - Daniel Hannan's ripping into Brown in Europe was one of the most watched vids. Brown-rolling went viral. Watch it here

Best newcomer - Ken Clarke's rehash and body work obviously fooled the mag who gave parliamentary dinosaur, Clarke, the prize for, er, best newcomer. Very flattering for Kenny who's been reborn politically.

Resignation of the year - James Purnell - James takes the coveted prize of giving up shamelessly. Caroline Flint, an early favourite after she accused Brown of putting her in her job as 'window dressing' and promptly told him so by appearing in the Telegraph fashion shoot, was pipped to the post.

Other awards which were not picked up and reported at length by the press and were wholly fabricated on the spot by TTG:

Worst speaker - Axed speaker Michael Martin wins this highly acclaimed prize. His whimper of 'order, order' throughout his sessions were repetitve and dull and his 35 second long resignation statement didn't fare well in the oratory stakes.

Brass in pocket - Harriet Harman picks up the most stingy accolade after claiming for a 45p Mars Bar in her expenses.

Best squatter - Gordon Brown has refused to budge and leave even after his party is in ruin and despite many, many calls to leave No.10. He's stayed so long that the bailiffs are bored of trying to move him.

Most likely to feature in a Blackadder sketch - If only for his name, Alistair Darling.

Biggest drain on the taxpayer - Liam Byrne - the ex Immigration minister claimed a whopping £478,536 for his services to the state, which weren't anywhere close to that figure, even at a stretch.

Most correct politician - Harriet Harman, who also contended for the prestigious policies gone mad award for her OTT favouritism for women, is too correct even for politics' standards.

Brown's bitch - Through thick and thin, Brown's Darling and BFF, Alistair Darling has stood by the PM. Aww, ain't love sweet?

The Brutus award - David Miliband. At last encounter, the fresh faced schoolboy lookalike was accepting gladly the coveted Foreign Secretary role. Now he's apparently relaunching his leadership bid after hitting it off with the in-laws in Europe. Poor Brown. Some just aren't grateful.

Biggest Party pooper - Jack Straw - even when presented with the chance to finally make the party look good (i.e QT) he still manages to fluff up his lines and look quite a bit worse than slimeball Nick Griffin. Poor show, Jack.

Biggest balls-upper of the year - There was tough competition for this award as many Labour MPs and ministers were in the running especially Mrs Smith for her no place at home controversy and her hubby's Blockbuster film choices.

But the winner for this is namesake, Ed Balls. When he's not failing to spell on his blog, he's consistently doing something else he shouldn't be.

The likes-the-own-sound-of-his/her-voice - Tony Blair (despite out of the running, he's an honorary winner for his world pursuit for all to hear his voice)/George Galloway/Harriet Harman - who to pick?

Most resembles an inanimate object - Jim Murphy, the Secretary of Scotland looks half dummy when he sits in PMQs with his expressionless, steely stare.

House hotty - George Osborne narrowly misses out as Ed "very fit" Vaizey takes the prize.

From zero to hero - He's come a long way and finally the people see the wonder that is George Osborne.

Most likely to push Labour out of office and lead a Conservative government - David Cameron. Need we say more?

Back to the day job - Home Secretary and ex postie, Alan Johnson, is out of his depth. He's proven that he's a lightweight who can't sort the country out - probably better to stick to what he is good at, sorting letters.

* Add your own awards below


Cazzy Jones said...

Courtesy in Communication Award: jointly to two men who need no introduction, Damian McBride and Derek Draper. The workings of the bunker have never been so well exposed (as I will reflect further in my next Wessex Mercia extract on Monday).

Anonymous said...

Hey are you a professional journalist? This article is very well written, as compared to most other blogs i saw today….
anyhow thanks for the good read!