Spews On The News - March 1-3

Terrible Tory Girl Will Do Anything For Peace. Please comrades, rise against this tyrannical invention from the pits of hell - the French Horn. Not only is it named after the French fries but it produces a sound no better than spitting through a cardboard tube. Now that's what TTG calls a racket.

Losing Lie Religion

With Rowan putting his anointed feet into yet another hellish debacle of “intellect”, and apparently popping up nude in a photo of Sienna Miller according to the Sun, TTG feels age has finally caught up with the Welshman. Either that or a crisis of faith is next on the cards, St. Mark TTG’s words, if the Songs of Praise bible basher could see the light and not see Jesus, the Holy Ghost and God in it, then it’s not going to be a trial for this supposed Christian.

TTG can just imagine Rowan on knees in prayer singing REM’s classic ‘Losing My Religion’ by REM.

Watch for yourself here.


Dirty Harry : Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

The wuggle soldier, the poster-pin -up figure behind such 12 paged hero supplements in the Express and Sun, apparently is fighting the folk to stay kooked up in Afghanistan despite that the unveiling of the prince in the country has upped up Taliban efforts. (The Taliban, despite common belief, do have access to the net.)

Typical of the tabloids, the Sun relished the expose of the royal reggie, revealing his secret code name, his death count and pictures of his homebase. Responsible? Hardly.

Harry back to England. All's not lost, especially your life.

Blue Can Get It If You Really Want

Partial or non, the new Conservative campaign from the blue brightsparks at HQ is worth a look. Featuring vocals of The Jimmy Cliff, You Can Get [A Competent Government] If You Really Want - Try Try Try [Tory]. (Only £1 to be a Conservative chum!)

Campaign

Facebook link

Make My Dreams Come True (Axe Brown)

MacFrown, to counter claims of gregarious garbage gimmickism, has donned a Santa suit and urged Britons to "make the Britain of our dreams". Only minutes after the story broke on Telegraph, readers remarked of how we've already achieved a Britain of our nightmares.

Let's get writing to Ole Banter - pens at the ready, what would your dream Britain be?

Here's one I did earlier:

Dear MacFrown,

For this parliamentary session, could Banter please get me the following as TTG has not been so terrible so far this year.

1) A new premier
2) A new cabinet - one preferably with experience and expertise.
3) Brains for the Labour reps - they might then realise that the Labour Party is more of a joke than April Fools
4) A referendum (no amount of cover up on the EU protest last week, will stop us wanting a referendum, Banter)
5) Devolution to England? (Or is that asking too much? ;) )

Thanks,

Miss Terrible Tory Girl.


Oink! MPs In Money-For-Attendance Row

Apparently MPs aren't satisfied with their current trough rates and are now calling for money to turn up to the house on top of expenses and wage. TTG is not impressed in the slightest -why couldn't she be paid to get up at ungodly hours for class?

Spews On The News February 26-28

Terrible Tory Girl comes to blogger this week feeling like Atlas. Instead of the Earth, she has something far worse to hold in exaltation - a dissertation.

Here is the news, handpicked by TTG and pickled in cynicism.

USS: Proposed flag for Britain

United States of Scotland

Following the Northern nutters in Berwick Upon Tweed, drumming up support to join the Scotch Eggs, TTG has a wicked plan to change the face and even the name of Britannia.

North-dumb-erland's pledge to drag the Gaelic gate further down is a fair one as we all know that the grass is greener on the other side of the border. But why stop the border budging there?

England has over the last ten years or so been viciously seized by scavenger Scots with the Commons crammed with the West Lothian sharks with powers overruling those of the English reps.

While the Scotches set up camp in parliament, those left behind in the Loch are ladled with better NHS care, and quality of life, of course funded by the suckers back in England, unfortunate to live beyond the barrier.

This is where the plan comes in. Rather than to concede to the barmy Berwickers alone, why not extend it to Dover. Sooner rather than later, eh, readers?


Cut out the Church, smash down borders of Wales and England and proclaim Scottish supremacy. It could be called the United States of Scotland.


While the Berwick lot said “We want to be part of Scotland”, the rest of us, down the South want more. We want to be Scotland. Make the right choice, go North. Go Scottish.

Join the campaign on facebook: (Apparently the Gov don't deal in matters of devolution)

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=21564583608


Coke Chanel

This is the news, and quite terrible at that, that Miss Whinehouse, likely to be found skulking London town in her bra or meeting up with her drug chums, Class A & B, is to dress the nation.
Now we all can carry off the latest look of cocaine chick, just cake face with lashings of war paint and complete with bird-nest do.

Here TTG shows parents what their children will come home like. Don't worry if there are specks of white dust by their nostrils - it's an essential part of the look!

Thank God You're Here

One click away from the realisation that Cameron must be PM

Martin Gets His Shoes In A Twist

It would seem that PMS doesn't just affect women but also Commons Speaker, Mr Michael Martin, the Scot with a passion for public funded avian dashing.

PMS, Public Monetary Stealing or also known by others as Persistently Moody Speaker is a condition often felt by females but also by the parliament's Michael Martin, who yesterday suspended Ed Davey for not doing as he was told.

Michael Martin went into a terrible rage after the Lib Dem Shadow Foreign Sec. stood up against Gov. decision to not go ahead with a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty.

Davey has been suspended for his protest show, who walked out after Martin told him to take his seat.

Nick Clegg, who is a Labour luvvy these days, did the remarkable and er, followed Davey out.

Martin, take a chill pill, won' t ya?

Material Girls & Boys

Rowan Willimams, who has since dropped his Sharia card, has picked up a new one: the ugly hand of commercialism on kiddies. Apparently kids these days aren't angels as the Gov portrays but evil figments of the commercial culture where money matters more than man. Don't blame the supermarkets, Rowan-up-a-creek-without-a-Bible! Perhaps you and the small hand of Atheism are to blame for that.
Money may well the "the root of all evil" but your watered down, sorry TTG means non-existent Christian message does more to foster moral-less cretins in society.

*As for the corporate argument, well, TTG doesn't think the Telegraph are too convinced, judging by their Tiffany and Co ad for mother's day adjacent to the article. T'oh.



Real Hustle

In tonight's episode, the Real Hustle team look at the biggest scammer in Britain who continuously steals policies, gains trust of the public by deception and pilfers tax payer cash to fund holidays, prostitutes and for shameless cover-ups. This scammer has been in the business for over ten years and has not yet been outed....

The Con is On in Government.

Don't Mention The War: Cameron in Auschwitz Row

Ladies and gentlemen....the award for irresponsible journalism goes to Andrew Porter for his partial piece: David Cameron under fire over Auschwitz gaffe

Andrew Porter, here's a recap class on how to write a news story just in case you weren't there.

News Stories For Yes Men - Lesson 1 *

Now Andrew, TTG feels your piece reads like Government copy off the press. Your angle attacking the Conservative leader would be fine if you had given him a chance to speak. His only comment is a quote from a speech in reference to 26, as you correctly suggest, Gov. initiatives, not just this one.

So first off, you must use the The Five "W" - who, what, where, when, why and how.

Other points to consider when writing a potentially incriminating piece:

Keep it Objective: You must be completely impartial. If there is more than one side to the story, cover them all.

Blatant bias:

"Other gimmicks in the Conservative list included protecting public spaces against terrorists attacks, deep-cleaning of hospitals and screening tests for cervical cancer. " - This is very harmful and defamatory to the Party as the Conservatives are not against any of these issues, quite the opposite. David Cameron was merely talking about the effectiveness of these schemes.

"It comes as a poll appeared to show that Mr Cameron’s aggressive attacks on the Government’s handling of the Northern Rock nationalisation had backfired...only a fifth of voters said the opposition would have handled the crisis better than the Government. " Are you working in the Gov. Press Office per chance?

Quote People:

"His intervention was described as "sick and ignorant" by the Government." - of course that would be the Government response but who said this in the Government? Surely Ed Balls does not constitute the Government. Please correct and specify your source.

There are five other interviews in your piece and all are against Cameron. This is heavily weighted anti-Cameron and when writing news pieces, rather than Government or PR articles, you must avoid this.

Grammar mistakes:

1. as"short-term gimmicks". - There should be a space in between as and ".
2. Other"gimmicks" - Again another space needed.
3. "Included was a £4.6m scheme announced by ministers this month to tie in with Holocaust Memorial Day the Government’s to send sixth-form pupils from every school in England to visit the concentration camp at Auschwitz." This sentence is quite clumsy and the average reader would find it confusing.
4. Mr Cameron’s"truly disgraceful remark". - Please space out

Hopefully Andrew, this refresher lesson has taught you a thing or to about how to present the news fairly, particularly as your job as political editor requires that you keep on good terms with all parties.

Let's just hope for your sake that Cameron isn't the next PM because guess who won't be on the Telegraph payroll anymore. T'oh.

Lovingly terrible,

Terrible Tory Girl

That speech in full

*Thanks to mediacollege.com for info

Spews On The News February 19-21

TTG apologies yet again for her absence in the blogo-politico-sphere and is keen to pinpoint the blame and reproach the dastardly faculties at university for this. TTG has unvoluntarily been busy trying to sex-up the wood pigeon, following her crush around the house and taking a good nightcap in the form of Lambs rum. That and poetry.

But she's back, for a short column inch only, to give you a little taste of the terrible news to hit the paperstands.


Faithfully Fidel

Fidel, the leader faithful of commie Cuba has taken early retirement after only 49 years in the job!
Considering that TTG has not even seen half of his primaship, with only twenty years of consciousness under her belt, she can't justify any comment so for you looney leftos, read George Galloway's biography or visit wikipedia. (It's likely to be more accurate than any newspaper coverage)

Ah Castro.

Northern Rock & Roll

If the Dilly-Dallygraph is to be believed, the nationalisation of Northern Rock, not only has pissed off Mr Branson Pickle but will piss off tax payers when they discover that we may have to fit a bill of a whopping £3,500 each. It's days like this when privitisation is the answer-rich men and women who can afford to throw money to inept organisations.


Bus Fuss With London Underground

TTG has proof that machine matters more than man and that you can get fined for paying your fare. TTG was more than just blue faced when she encountered a ticket inspector who said she hadn't paid her fine, when she had indeed squished through the unclean, drunk masses and placed her tatty oyster card on the reader. But unfortunately it hadn't worked.
Led off the bus like a toothy-grinned criminal, TTG pleaded her innocence but to no avail. (Note for next time - wear a shorter skirt) She handed over £20 of her cash to settle a fine not merited. It was that or face standing up in court, at vast expense, and face costs into the £1000 mark.
£20 will do nicely. Buy yourself something nice, London Transport with my money, won't ya?


What's Up Copycat?

All TTG wants to say on the matter of Clinton's sabotage campaign against Obama, is that even if he had nicked all his speeches from someone else, at least he has a brain, can pronounce his name soundly enough and can inspire the populace. More say, than Mrs Lint-on & Bushy.

Read more here.

Archbishop of Canterbury '08

Dear Chrits, proles and the secular scores,

After the shocking revelation that the Anglican Chief is an undercover Musulman, after being caught handing out Islamophile leaflets and slamming Bibles into his furnace, Chrit Brits (all four of them) have got in the across the pond presidential spirit and have now embarked on a nationwide search for a replacement. (preferably not an Islamic Imam this time round.)

The owl-spectacled unHoly one first sparked controversy after proclaiming his love for the tree-adulters-pagan-ponces, the druids from Way-aus.

Since then, the self-confessed "hairy leftie" has taken great pains to dismiss the Bible, the nativity, ignore pilgrim pleas, put homosexuals on the pedestal and frankly support any faction that doesn't engross in Genesis.

Apparently the man, who fooled us into thinking he was the next protestant prophet on the throne, also holds dearly the view that terrorists are just like us, with "moral aims" and are certainly "not evil."

TTG saw the first signs of his conversion to Islam after Mr Rowan Will-Imams' began growing his beard and reading passages from the Qu'ran to the congregation.

As his five year anniversary sneaks up, what better way to celebrate his quinque horrendi anni (forgive the poor latin) than to shed his body (theoretically of course) and welcome the new covenant - i.e someone actually biblical.

It's the time to no longer crucify Rowan Will-Imams in the media, but for him to rise again in a new post, preferably not in God's sect.

Archbishop of Canterbury '08 - Who Will Be Your Protestant Pastor For Canterbury?

Here are the favourites to win (no gambling rates - us Chrits don't do such a thing)

1) Yorkie - The Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, was tipped back in 2003 to be the next Archbishop but narrowly lost to the Cymraegian. You may remember him from such BBC broadcasts where he ripped off his dog collar on air in protest against Robert Mugabe.

Pro: Christian

Con: He's not back at work yet as he's waiting for action to be taken against Mugabe.

2) The 'Mohammad Ali' of Christianity - Bishop of York, Michael Nazir-Ali, recepient of death threats and calls on his life for a Telegraph essay noting "no-go" areas.

Pro: Actually is Christian; has balls

Con: No support from politicians/ other faith groups

3) Care-a-lot - Ex Archbishop Lord George Carey allowed women to become priests, failed his eleven-plus and was picked by Maggie T.

Pro: Knows the ropes - Been in the job before; Doesn't want Sharia law

Con: Might be rusty after five years; now 72; called for humane treatment of Chile dictator, Pinochet.

4) Tony Bliar - Well, he's adaptable, flexible, can inspire the masses and apparently he's Christian after all.

Pro: He's one hell of a preacher!

Con: It's Tony Blair........

5) - Richard "Carbon"Chartres - The Bishop of London, the pro-green preacher, was deemed important enough to feel the wrath of Ryanair boss, Michael O'Leary: "The Bishop of London has got empty churches - presumably if no one went on holidays perhaps they might turn up and listen to his sermons. God bless the bishop!"

Pro: Been in post for an impressive 12 years

Con: Seems to be easily taken in by guv' propoganda judging by his no-carbon Lent pledge.

Get in on the action by visiting our sister site - http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=8759332774

Kind regards,

Terrible Tory Girl

Westminsty - The Monetary Pigs

Dodgy Donations

Money, money, money, must be funny in a MP's world. "Cash" is the press' must-have word in headlines with MPs from one bench to the other caught gold-handed.
Here Francesca Preece revels in the financial fiddling of the pound-pilfering hommes politiques.

Peter "Nothing to lose, all to gain" Hain stood down from his job as double-barrelled Cyrmu + work and pensions secretary after it was revealed Hain had failed to tell the electoral commission about 17 cash sweeteners, adding to a total of £103,000 for his failed deputy leadership bid. How Hain could have juggled three jobs on the go is beyond this writer if he couldn't even do the simple job of declaring his money pot publically.

Cash partner in crime, Alan Johnson was the next to make his splash in the public eye for all the wrong reasons. Croyden's Labour Party treasurer Ahmed Yar Mohammed played pass the parcel with £3000 to student Waseem Siddiqui (brother-in-law) to fund Johnson's lost deputy cause. Needless to say, Johnson's fingerprints are due for an inspection.

But the dirty deed doesn't stop at the Scottish border, ach no. Wendy Alexander, chief Labour Scotty has been shopped in by parliament colleagues to the cops after taking a s950 sum from a Jersey donor.

Likely Scot successor, Andy Kerr, has too drawn the last straw, thanks to his Extra Value McDonalds Meal, with a side order of s1000. May I point out that Kerr was the health minister at the time. Tut tut, Herr Kerr -at least line your pockets from healthier beneficeries.


Family Fortunes

We asked 90 Labour MPs what might a politician have in their office.
Our survey said:
1) Family members on employee roll
2) Picture of Stalin
3) Gaelic phrasebook
4) Trade Unions For Dummies textbook
5) Thatcherism For Dummies
6) Tony Blair pin-up on dartboard
7) EU flag

Yes, on a more serious note, 90 Slave Labour MPs, 70 Tories and 12 Dribberals all employ mums, dads, daughters and sons to the office. That's a whopping quarter of MPs who keep parliamentary business in the family.

Derek Conaway, sorry I mean Conway, slip of the keyboard there, is just one who has met his parliamentary demise with the crack of his whip. Conway, Tory MP for Old Bexley, employed his two sons, Henry and the fetching Freddy at £40,000 a pop. Not bad work at all for a student. After the gov added up that Conway was using £250,000 of public cash to line the Conway's crest pockets, Derek's whip and £80,000 job were snatched.

A company of the same name, Conway co. features the slogan 'great work, great people.' Not sure whether this could apply to snap namesake, Derek "I'm-not-a-crook" Conway.

If potential tango sponsor Hainster wasn't content enough with appearing under the heading of dodgy donations, he makes a second appearance here, proving blood is thicker than mater. His 80-year old mum is also an employee apparently -what a octarian can do in this day and age is beyond me -but apparently secretarial work isn't drawn out for Adeline Hain. Perhaps its governmental policy a sign that we must work literally til our graves are well and truly dug.

The only amusing result to come from this sorry public money swindling saga was comrade Brown's meticulous copying. Immediately after David Cameron ruffled party feathers by denouncing Conaway + chums, adding his desire for more transparency in Wesminsty, Brown's press gang reeled off, in a transparent fashion, a call for the very same theme. Ah, yet another original initiative from our resident cheetah.

Monetary Pigs, take a leaf out of Tory totty's, Ben Wallace of Lancaster and Wyre, book of ministerial conduct. Mr Wallace has released for all parliamentarians to see, every cupcake, coffee and car trip (all £152,000) he and his researcher wife have used, in the form of receipts.
Good luck mister taxman rifling through that!