Westminsty - The Monetary Pigs

Dodgy Donations

Money, money, money, must be funny in a MP's world. "Cash" is the press' must-have word in headlines with MPs from one bench to the other caught gold-handed.
Here Francesca Preece revels in the financial fiddling of the pound-pilfering hommes politiques.

Peter "Nothing to lose, all to gain" Hain stood down from his job as double-barrelled Cyrmu + work and pensions secretary after it was revealed Hain had failed to tell the electoral commission about 17 cash sweeteners, adding to a total of £103,000 for his failed deputy leadership bid. How Hain could have juggled three jobs on the go is beyond this writer if he couldn't even do the simple job of declaring his money pot publically.

Cash partner in crime, Alan Johnson was the next to make his splash in the public eye for all the wrong reasons. Croyden's Labour Party treasurer Ahmed Yar Mohammed played pass the parcel with £3000 to student Waseem Siddiqui (brother-in-law) to fund Johnson's lost deputy cause. Needless to say, Johnson's fingerprints are due for an inspection.

But the dirty deed doesn't stop at the Scottish border, ach no. Wendy Alexander, chief Labour Scotty has been shopped in by parliament colleagues to the cops after taking a s950 sum from a Jersey donor.

Likely Scot successor, Andy Kerr, has too drawn the last straw, thanks to his Extra Value McDonalds Meal, with a side order of s1000. May I point out that Kerr was the health minister at the time. Tut tut, Herr Kerr -at least line your pockets from healthier beneficeries.


Family Fortunes

We asked 90 Labour MPs what might a politician have in their office.
Our survey said:
1) Family members on employee roll
2) Picture of Stalin
3) Gaelic phrasebook
4) Trade Unions For Dummies textbook
5) Thatcherism For Dummies
6) Tony Blair pin-up on dartboard
7) EU flag

Yes, on a more serious note, 90 Slave Labour MPs, 70 Tories and 12 Dribberals all employ mums, dads, daughters and sons to the office. That's a whopping quarter of MPs who keep parliamentary business in the family.

Derek Conaway, sorry I mean Conway, slip of the keyboard there, is just one who has met his parliamentary demise with the crack of his whip. Conway, Tory MP for Old Bexley, employed his two sons, Henry and the fetching Freddy at £40,000 a pop. Not bad work at all for a student. After the gov added up that Conway was using £250,000 of public cash to line the Conway's crest pockets, Derek's whip and £80,000 job were snatched.

A company of the same name, Conway co. features the slogan 'great work, great people.' Not sure whether this could apply to snap namesake, Derek "I'm-not-a-crook" Conway.

If potential tango sponsor Hainster wasn't content enough with appearing under the heading of dodgy donations, he makes a second appearance here, proving blood is thicker than mater. His 80-year old mum is also an employee apparently -what a octarian can do in this day and age is beyond me -but apparently secretarial work isn't drawn out for Adeline Hain. Perhaps its governmental policy a sign that we must work literally til our graves are well and truly dug.

The only amusing result to come from this sorry public money swindling saga was comrade Brown's meticulous copying. Immediately after David Cameron ruffled party feathers by denouncing Conaway + chums, adding his desire for more transparency in Wesminsty, Brown's press gang reeled off, in a transparent fashion, a call for the very same theme. Ah, yet another original initiative from our resident cheetah.

Monetary Pigs, take a leaf out of Tory totty's, Ben Wallace of Lancaster and Wyre, book of ministerial conduct. Mr Wallace has released for all parliamentarians to see, every cupcake, coffee and car trip (all £152,000) he and his researcher wife have used, in the form of receipts.
Good luck mister taxman rifling through that!