EXCLUSIVE: First terror suspect detained for 42 days

Left, Mr B arrested outside his home; Right Darling visits

BRITAIN'S first terrorist has been nabbed under the new detention laws that allow cops to jail suspects for up to 42 days without charge.

The suspect, from Downing Street, London, turned to a life of crime shortly after moving to the cul-de-sac, infamous for being a crack hotspot for addicts.


Bobbies on the beat spotted the grey-haired goldfish-gulping gangster conning voters into signing up to pyramid schemes which crippled subscribers and left them penniless.

Now the Scot, who was slapped with the sentence after former members of his gang shopped him in, faces being toppled from his under world company.

Fellow thugs Dave Milli-Spanner and Harriet Hard-man are two tipped for the big take over following the arrest and detention of Mr B.

Mr B told T.OR.Y he felt betrayed by the ex-cons and penned his anger in a song he calls Mein Kampf: 60,480 minutes, a reference to the time he must stay behind bars.

Here's the transcript to the song critics are calling his comeback plan as the big boss.

It is believed that Mr B got inspired to write after watching this video





60,480 minutes to save Labour

(Straw)

We’re outta dime and all we got is 60,480 minutes (x8)
Cough up
Now
Quake, Brown
Cough up

(Gordon)

I’m so coy
I’ve been waiting for somebody
To pick up my dole

(Darling)

Well don't waste time
Before you resign
Tell me how you sat n stole

(Brown)

I want somebody to bleed the country for me,
Then take it down low,
There’s no room for growth.


(Darling)

Well, I can handle that,
You just gotta show me where it’s at
Are you ready to go?
(Are you ready to go?)


(Darling & Brown)

If you want splits
You already got it
If you fought it
It better be what you want
If you steal it
It must be real just
say the word
and ima give you what you want


(Darling & Brown)

Crime is soaring
We only got 60,480 minutes to save Labour
No hesitating
Bribe a PR
Bribe a rag
Time’s not waiting
We only got 60,480 minutes to save the Party
No hesitating
We only got 60,480 minutes, 60,480 minutes

(Darling and Brown)

Keep it up, keep it up, Labour won’t die, aye
Gord’s on out, uh,
You gotta forget poll flop,
Nick stocks nick stocks nick stocks
That’s right, sweep ‘em up, sweep ‘em up, we need supplies, hey
Gord’s on out, uh
You gotta get the prem chop
Tick tock tick tock tick tock

(Brown)

Sometimes I think what we need is an EU intervention, yeah

(Darling)

And by dough, I can tell that you like it
And that it's good, by the way that you move, ooh, hey

(Brown)

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, yeah

(Darling)

But if we lose this fight
At least we can say we did what we wanted to do
Tell me, how bout you?

(Brown and Darling)

If you want splits
You already got it
If you fought it
It better be what you want
If you steal it
It must be real just
say the word
and ima give you what you want

(Brown and Darling)

Crime is soaring
We only got 60,480 minutes to save Labour
No hesitating
Bribe a PR
Bribe a rag
Time’s not waiting
We only got 60,480 minutes to save the Party
No hesitating
We only got 60,480 minutes, 60,480 minutes

(Brown and Darling)

Keep it up, keep it up, Labour won’t die, aye
Gord’s on out, uh,
You gotta forget poll flop,
Nick stocks nick stocks nick stocks
That’s right, sweep ‘em up, sweep ‘em up, we need supplies, hey
Gord’s on out, uh
You gotta get the prem chop
Tick tock tick tock tick tock


(Straw)

Quake Brown
Yeah
(tick tock tick tock tick tock)
Yeah, uh huh
(tick tock tick tock tick tock)
You only got 60,480 minutes until you go

Parl' wars: Attack of the clones

Crash Gordon

The fleet street sheep have finally left Gordy to graze on greener pastures in the Cameron camp.

As the Unions plead for an end to the No Labour faction, papers from the G. Mail to the Gordygraph and even to the Dependant have hung up their pens in protest in the face of a future of writing the impossible: Pro-Broon puffs.

The Guardian are no longer faithful angels, seated up left, if this blog post by Bridget Fox is anything to go by.

Doctor of the daily Wail, or Gmail, Dacre, has made a Right move, and now backs Cameron after his brief fling with "walking on water Brown" ended in tears.

The Dependent too has packed up it's individualistic rag to check out the Tory that's setting the public papers' hearts on flame.

Gordygraph, even under its recent Sinistrum yoke, has revoked its left wing dalliances.

His Scotch compatriots are not sending out an SOS for him, particularly not the Scotland on Sunday.

Rowan, the Lambeth fly trap, the man who launched a thousand debates over his Sh'ite talk on Sharia law, has stood by his Lord rather than er Gord.

Rather than to divide the Church so that Gordy and his political poachers may walk Scot-free, he has decided to turn the other cheek and blow a raspberry at the pm by his attempt to solder the falling pieces of church back together again.

And the Unions? United against Brown.

But, don't worry pet, you have one Unusual suspect you can count on for support.

....

Your Tory tea chum, Maggie T.

Is your time up too, Brown? Is your state funeral in the wake of 2010?

EXCLUSIVE: TTG degree shock horror

Francesca moments after her release

Former bedroom recluse cum crazy poet Francesca Preece, has become the first Terrible Tory Girl to date to survive history.

The self-confessed book basher, whose three year ordeal in mountains of dust and illegible text came to a end yesterday, told T.O.R.Y she is "relieved to finally be free."

Francesca said:

"The course sentence that once hang over my mind like a guilotine, dating back from 19th century France, has come to a close and thankfully my head is still in tact.

"May we remember those individuals whose wills and desires died in the Degree Depression. May your souls at last rest in heaven, where history can never harm you."

UGs were confined for up to eight hours each day, tortured by the wails and scribbling of tormented souls in a tower block, called 'the library' by inmates.

Finally on July 15, 2008, thirteen of the original 35 were released back into the wild, still dressed in the macabre funeral cloaks that the prisoners had to fund themselves through whoring and serial swotting.

The cloaks, held together by a brown choker, reached temperatures of 40 o c while the sleeves served as a makeshift straight jacket.

Francesca now plans a future away from the restraints of education.

She said:"Life begins at 20, now's a good time to start doing exactly that, live."

Francesca is left with a 2:1 scar in the Journalism and Contemporary History discipline
from the institution, QMUL.

Exclusive to the T.O.R.Y blog, see newly released Francesca as she escapes the hand of intellectualism.

Hat trick: Francesca hides from the media

Camera shy: Francesca hides in fear of the light

Smile: Francesca still in her work clothes

P.S. Names have been changed to protect the identity of blog misfit Terrible Tory Girl (TTG BA)

Gordon Brown - From Hero to Zero

Because you have waited patiently, TTG brings you something very special, her little tribute to the Gordmeister, an Anthem for Doomed Crwth (well he is ancient) entitled 'From Hero to Zero'.

NB: The similarities to the similarly named song From Zero to Hero are similarly coinicidental - TTG allegedly came up with this beauty all by herself, apparently.

NB notes aside, enjoy comrades! Watch vid below lyrics to sing along. You know you want to.


From Hero to Zero

One year ago
Gord beat every foe
Person of the week in every MORI opinion poll
What a pro
Gord stopped every woe,
Put him by bird flu, flood, and he was in the dough
He was a no won
A hero, hero
Now he’s a bottler,
He’s a zero,
Here was a tax man worse than a fat cat,
From hero to zero in one year flat.
Hero to zero, rep in tat (snaps)

When he smiled
Voters went wild with
Ewwws and argghs.
And they slapped his face
On every mace

(The king of Tsars)

From appearance fees and royalties
Gord had our cash to burn
Despite so riche and infamous
He could tax you
On ev’ry coin earned

Pray amen
There he goes again
Cheat and undefeated
And 10 collected for ev’ry 10
Aliens lined up
Without any checks
For their perfect package,
A home, cash, a pair of specs


Gordy, he comes
He sees, he conquers
Honey, the crowds were
Going bonkers
He showed no proxy brains, no spunk
From hero to zero a major flunk
hero to zero and what a skunk

Who put the tax in taxpayer?
Gordon Brown
Whose tearing deeds cause public stir
Gordon Brown
Isn't he cold?
No one greedier
What a cheat

Our primus wanker

Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown

Bless my soul
Gord was on a roll
Unelected
Riding high
Taking cash, so sly
Not contented

He was somethin'
A hero, hero
Now he's a bottler
He's a zero

He hit the bottom at breakneck speed
From hero to zero
Gord was a hero
Now he's a zero
Yes indeed!