Sunday, May 18, 2008

Redknobs and Broomcupboards - Labour special

The House of Commons battle it out for centre ground

Normally, TTG would burst into song or at least a parody but for once, she's lost for words after coming across Bedknobs and Broomsticks...and discovered the strange truth that it is in fact the Nostradamus of film - it predicted the emergence of a certain Mr Brown, a coward who thought himself untouchable.

Here in the scripture, it predicted the terrible fate Britain would face, under the premiership of Brownism.

Oh, it really doesn’t matter what I do, what I do
As long as I do it with a flair

What effect a little smoke is with a dash of hocus pocus

And the scent of burning sulfur in the air

I’m a fraud, a hoke, a charlatan, a joke,

But they love me ... everywhere.

For it really doesn’t matter what I do, what I do
As long as I do it with a flair

And it really doesn’t matter what I say, what I say

As long as I say it with a flair!

First I rattle off a ready stock of gibberish and poppycock
and fix you with my best hypnotic stare.
With my moans and groans and soporific tones they have cheered me everywhere!

For, it really doesn’t matter what I say, what I say
I said it when I tell it with a seamless selabin
The magician’s nursery rhyme
You succumb to it, every time!

Wave a stick, and each trick, will mystify and disarm.
In fact, to coin a fitting phrase, it works, like a charm!

So, it really doesn’t matter what I brew, what I brew

As long as I brew it with a flair.

Though I’ve never cast a magic spell I make the motions very well
My showmanship is far beyond compare.
I’m a rogue, a rake, a mountebank, a fake,
But I do whate’er I dare.
For, it really doesn’t matter what I do, what I do…

You buy my charms and poxes ‘cause they come in fancy boxes!

To improve your ugly daughter, I’ve a vial of colored water!

And my magic incantations can be framed as decorations,

Though there’s really nothing to it, and of course, you all see through it,

You love me cause I do it, with a flair!

The film predicted:

*Animals would rise up and take over government....Does TTG need to spell it out? L-A-B-O-U-R
*Football-playing animals....Brown's hardly up there with Gazza
*Nazis would Nazis, in the very least
*A wartorn England....Nearly there

Shh don't say the A word

TTG should be careful in reporting this story as it will contain strong and rude language - the A word will be featured, please kids and migrants leave the room.

The Arsey Mum Commission, renamed by TTG, has had to change its name after banning the world 'Asylum.
Apparently the word 'Asylum' which TTG will now call Arsey Mum, brings up negative connotations. No shit Sherlock. But TTG has to wonder what the Asylum Commission (apologies for swearing yet again) will be called because it certainly looks in a bad light to this blogger.

But even while they have banned the word, the Commission still features the A word a lot on its own page on the Party website.

"Labour believes in strong and protected borders – they are fundamental to Britain. Within this framework, we are committed to continuing our proud history of welcoming legal migrants who can benefit Britain; and to a just asylum system which provides a safe haven for refugees."

And it tisn't the isolated case - there are 12 mentions of the forbidden word in the Asylum titled policy. Well Labour can't obviously look too fondly on the Commission....TTG doesn't like the Commission either but she would never ever dream of using such filthy language to describe them.

Now readers, give the Commission a name on the comment form below.

Also while nosing on THAT site,, TTG came across this little beauty 'Our top 50 achievements since being elected in 1997'. Of course TTG should point out that Labour, from its cradle 1900 to its demise, 2008 (Rest In Pieces), has nothing to show - even with past pals such as Ramsay Macdonald, Jim Callaghan, Harold Wilson taking the reigns through that century.

Helpfully they included this: "We've listed what we think are Labour's top 50 achievements - what do you think? What should we add or take away? "

Thanks Labour luvvies, here TTG will act on behalf of God and taketh comes her red marker.....

Lab-eughhh's achievements

1. Longest period of sustained low inflation since the 60s - Darling said "inflation, while at low levels compared to the peaks we have seen in the past, remains a threat to economic stability."

2. Low mortgage rates - "Interest rates on mortgage lending remain high relative to base. There is little scope for further rate cuts as inflationary pressures persist."

3. Introduced the National Minimum Wage and raised it to £5.52. Yes, but that only applies to over 22s

4. Over 14,000 more police in England and Wales. The number of police in West Midlands alone - not a lot of help.

5. Cut overall crime by 32 per cent - "Crime is costing the economy £60billion a year as the justice system fails to protect the public from career criminals, business leaders warn.

A report from the Confederation of British Industry accuses the Government of pursuing flawed policies on law and order which have left "stubbornly high" reoffending rates little changed in the 11 years since Labour came to power."

6. Record levels of literacy and numeracy in schools - Well, not in Wales: "As many as a quarter of 15 to 65-year-olds have poor literacy levels, the Basic Skills Agency Wales told the Western Mail earlier this year. Wales also ranked bottom in the UK in an international league table of reading standards last year."

7. Young people achieving some of the best ever results at 14, 16, and 18. Like Labour's immigration figures, apparently according to the exam watchdog: "Don't expect GCSE and A-level exam results to be accurate.The chairwoman of Ofqual said it was simplistic to expect a perfect marking system."

8. Funding for every pupil in England has doubled. Perhaps, but we're yet to see the results. Numbers of ethnic minority children has doubled though since Labour came in - now 21 per cent of total school population

9. Employment is at its highest level ever - "The number of people out of work has climbed for the third month in a row.UK unemployment rose by 14,000 to 1.61 million in the three months to March."

10. Written off up to 100 per cent of debt owed by poorest countries. Should think so, the Gov gives enough of our cash to the developing world but refuses to let His own people develop.

11. 85,000 more nurses. Many of them nicked from the poorer countries - 3,000 in 2004 were from the "banned" list.

12. 32,000 more doctors. Still need more

13. Brought back matrons to hospital wards. Fantastic idea! Where has TTG heard that before? Oh, the Conservatives. They've sung the same tune 'Bring on the matrons' since 2001.

14. Devolved power to the Scottish Parliament - "Devolution has failed and the Scottish Parliament is no more than an ultimately pointless bureaucracy, according to leading economists, who claim that the Parliament has failed to improve the nation’s quality of life.", 2005

15. Devolved power to the Welsh Assembly - In 2006, the Assembly dissolves the Tourist board and now is £159mn less in pocket

16. Dads now get paternity leave of 2 weeks for the first time. Not sure how long that will last with the new ruling that men are no longer officially seen as an integral part of a family in Human Fertilisation Bill.

17. NHS Direct offering free convenient patient advice. So does the chemist

18. Gift aid was worth £828 million to charities last year. Generous perhaps but not the best of ideas to appear on US Pop Idol to hand over £25 billion worth of mosquito nets during a recession in homeground

19. Restored city-wide government to London - There's more to the UK than London - what about the other major cities like Birmingham?

20. Record number of students in higher education. Would that be linked to the idea of introducing dumbed-down degrees such as Posh and Becks or media studies?

21. Child benefit up 26 per cent since 1997. Why isn't TTG surprised.....

22. Delivered 2,200 Sure Start Children’s Centres. Isn't that what nurseries are for?

23. Introduced the Equality and Human Rights Commission. And what a disaster that was too! Now under HR, murderers like Peter Sutcliffe can demand his rights; illegals can not be deported because of their fundamental rights...what a ripe deal wrong-doers get.

24. £200 winter fuel payment to pensioners & up to £300 for over-80s. Good start. Shame it doesn't last past the next financial year.

25. On course to exceed our Kyoto target for reducing greenhouse gas emissions - "A new report by the leading thinktank Policy Exchange today reveals that despite promising to “put concern for the environment at the heart of policy-making” the Government looks likely to miss over half of the green targets it has set since 1997. Out of 138 high level targets surveyed, 60% of targets have been missed."

26. Restored devolved government to Northern Ireland. Still not full devolution, hasn't yet been sorted with the House of Lords

27. Over 36,000 more teachers in England and 274,000 more support staff and teaching assistants - Numbers, my friend, numbers. Why do some schools opt to pay their pupils than send in a supply?

28. All full time workers now have a right to 24 days paid holiday. Ta. Now for the majority of Britons to find job to get that perk of work.

29. A million pensioners lifted out of poverty - "200,000 more pensioners have been plunged into fuel poverty as household bills soar. Nearly a quarter don't heat their homes because they are worried about the cost. More than one in five struggle below the poverty line - no improvement on last year."

30. 600,000 children lifted out of relative poverty - £1.6million council funding to eradicate poverty in London, this year? What a disgrace! There shouldn't even be poverty in this day and age in Britain, the land of opportunity!

31. Introduced child tax credit giving more money to parents - Giving more money to put parents off entering the working world

32. Scrapped Section 28 and introduced Civil Partnerships - Fair enough but forcing out registrars who do not believe in them, is not on

33. Brought over 1 million social homes up to standard - A bad standard?

34. Inpatient waiting lists down by over half a million since 1997 - That didn't do much good for the patient who had his teeth knocked out by his surgeon and told to go private instead of waiting five months.

35. Banned fox hunting. Wow. The first person was convicted this week of killing foxes since 2005. Bravo.

36. Cleanest rivers, beaches, drinking water and air since before the industrial revolution. Should think so. The revolution was between 1800 and 1850!

37. Free TV licences for over-75s - But students now have to dish out over £130 quid each year as Labour removed the clause that let the boffins come under their parent's license.

38. Banned fur farming and the testing of cosmetics on animals - But, but, it still happens

39. Free breast cancer screening for all women aged between 50-70 - What, mammograms aren't on the NHS? TTG will just have to self-screen.

40. Free off peak local bus travel for over-60s - But no concessions for students...

41. New Deal - helped over 1.8 million people into work - At least they're honest, it's a deal alright.

42. Over 3 million child trust funds have been started - £250-500 for having a new baby plus another £1,200 each year, tax-free to be put into a fund for later use when the kid turns 18...hmm what about hard graft and parents earning the cash themselves?

43. Free eye test for over 60s - Lucky provision for youngsters who need glasses all their lives, not just when their sight deterioates.

44. More than doubled the number of apprenticeships - Which is it Labour? Increase in apprenticeships or increase in looney toon degrees?

45. Free entry to national museums and galleries - But TTG should point out, the entry is conditional on time and day

46. Overseas aid budget more than doubled - Don't we (tax-payers) all know it? Brown, Scotland doesn't count as overseas...

47. Heart disease deaths down by 150,000 and cancer deaths down by 50,000 - Wow, TTG didn't realise that Labour were God's chosen people and had control over life and death. Or that they were in the drug field (ahem)...

48. Cut long-term youth unemployment by 75 per cent - And cut youth behaviour to an all time low

49. Free nursery places for every three and four-year-olds - Funny that, TTG swears she hears in the news about disgruntled parents having ot hand over £130 a week....

50. Free fruit for most four to six-year-olds at school - Tssk. That veg pledge is only to make sure that these kids get their five-a-day

What should TTG add or take away?


Anonymous said...

There will ALWAYS be children in 'relative poverty' in the UK as this measure of poverty is based on the average earning.

This means that poverty - which brings up images of starving kiddies freezing in a shack with poor clothes, actually just means they have less INCOME than the average. Although I live in a nice flat with a big TV and net access... As I'm currently not working I am IN POVERTY!!! OH WOE! TTG! quick gimmi a hand-out! or failing that, job. ;o)

Terrible Tory Girl said...

Salve anon, you do indeed have a valid point and for that TTG salutes you. But you're not a child so this argument need not apply...:P

Oh poverished one, if only this Tory girl could give you work, it took a while and a half just to secure employment for herself.

And you know how TTG feels about the H word...Tssk ;)

Not that Nick Wood said...

An interesting list of "things" (I want to say achievements, but as you point out they aren’t really). You should however add the finest achievement they have succeeded in, increasing the tax burden to its highest ever peacetime level coupled with increasing borrowing – breaking even their much manipulated “golden rule”. As a consequence increasing numbers of businesses are relocating abroad thereby reducing UK jobs (though as many of these are done by east Europeans perhaps they think that doesn’t matter).
You correctly list some of their greater achievements – the tax credit bureaucracy designed to keep people on the state payroll; their banning of foxhunting – what a good use of parliamentary time that was.

Stuff you missed includes the near crimilising of motorists and now they’re talking about banning over the counter sale of tobacco. Shouldn’t they be doing something useful rather than wasting our time and money on such tosh.

Thank God it looks like they’re on their last legs.