Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Spews on the News

TTG is back baby, bruised and battered from the one month long war of pen and paper with the Tory tyrant Winston Churchill. Apologies for her delay - feel free to heckle the terrible girl as much as you see fit. Promises to update sooner.

Sick of the one-man clown show and his circus freaks that have helped themselves to residence in the Commons, TTG proposes a plan, a very dastardly yet democratic plan.

For those who missed out on voting in Mayor elections, locals or were refused vote when Brown gave up election last Oct, here's your chance to vote - simply download the form below and cross next to the name you want to vote OUT.

Cross as many as one or all against the names of the Crapnit you feel deserve to be booted out promptly. Psst, cross all - they're all useless, TTG says, in a non-partisan, Tory leaning way. Ahem.

Get your form via TTGmail.

Cherie: My Story in helping bulimics everywhere

Hearing the men and women who work hard (or not so hard, as is ALWAYS the case) for you, panting their sexual exploits and spilling it out on paper is akin to your parents seating you in the front room and forcing you, eyes pegged open, to watch them mimicking rabbits. No thanks.

Lord, if you can hear this plea, could you please stop politicians or their PAGS (Prostitutes and groucho-luvvies) from telling all about their sex life- it makes TTG feel bulimic. *bleurrgghhhh* Actually TTG does feel that models, keen to lose a stone to fit in their -12 tissue length dresses, could do well to pick up Cherie's or John's books. If it has that effect on TTG, what wonders for the clothes peg world.

For those who have had the pleasant fortune to not have heard about Cherie and her 4 time a nighter Tony in the sack, here's an idea of what to expect.

Try something new, try the all new Balmoral position, subject to condition that you must f*** the Royals rather than screw the public.

How to do a Balmoral in three easy steps

1) Take a leaf out of Prescott's book and leave respect, dignity, taste at the door, preferably leaving it open so royals, world and poor servants can see.

2) Depending on the circumstances, f*** over the royals either by assuming the conceive position * in view of a Royal or by taking the Royal Crescent and inserting, head first or whatever is preferable, up anus. Repeat several times.

3) While in position, scribble your memoirs on wads of cash lying around the room, and after Four times Tone has come to a standstill, phone Mandelson or Campbell to bring in cotton buds to insert socialist spawn in womb.

Congratulations, you are one step away from being like Cherie: a money honey.

* (that's the one where you don leather court wigs and red leather pvc robes, lie on sheets made out of public cash, extend legs in the air while Tony reaches in with 'matrix masseuse Carole giving her hand by throwing bottles of new age holy (s***) water cos they are Catholic of course, before tantric chanting of "please Satan, just another million more.")

Saving the animals, save the clothes

Calling all animals, shed your clothes, don a mask and raise money for the endangered across the world. The Duckworth Project, an art concept which sees bidding animal activists strip to save creatures great and small, promises to give all proceeds to charities worldwide.

So what you waiting for? Check out the page here and get that mask pronto. Tis art.

* Darling dud of May

Should I repay or should they go...to hell? The Darling of the Treasury simply can't make his mind up these days.
First he endorses binning the 10p tax despite the workers, the breadbone of the party affected by this decision, then he says he'll make it up to them in blood cash and next he toys with the idea of scrapping the removal of the tax altogether.
TTG understands how difficult it is at this time with Ginny Gordon not around to dictate money policy but surely he knew he was on to a loser when it was revealed that the real workers would lose out, even more than usual?
Labour, eh, who'd have 'em? ...Er only in Britain....

Attempt to get your head around tax here.


Following Major Bojo's idea to ban the booze on the cattle train, some serial hop-ers on facebook (i.e Strongbow students) have planned a protest to go round and round in a circle (a bit like what the Gov does at the moment), er, train, getting pissed on cheap bottles of wine and Lambrini. Only one problem as supporters point out - tisn't yet illegal and won't be til next year.
A fine is hardly a step towards martyrdom. Back to the er boozing, er, TTG, means drawing board.

*Johnson & Johnson

Keen to get their same named main man into fame and the pm frame, the Sabre toothless lot in the rosette HQ apparently reckon Alan Johnson, Sec. for health is the man for the job. Lean, mean and more of a joke than Bojo, Johnson stands a pretty chance of becoming the next successor that is even more pathetic than his predecessor - even more so than the Frown-Bliar partnership.

TTG wonders who'd win in the potential 2014/5 fight, Johnson or Johnson? Hmm but where would the cosmetics company stand in all this?

Border-line humour

After Ken traded his missing Bojo back in April with a kid's monster book called 'Calm down, Boris' TTG decided to check the little book out at the bookworm chain, Borders.

Bordering on giggles, TTG spotted the five-page book complete with poseable hand puppet Boris monster, in the biography section of the store. After sticking her hand into Boris to grant kisses to her pal, girlaboutlondoncity.blogspot.com, she found a little synopsis that sums up London's frolic fave on amazon.

"Meet Boris - he's a very loving little monster! Orange, hairy and over-enthusiastic, Boris means well, but always ends up getting carried away and spoiling things. In "Calm Down, Boris!", the reader is asked to help Boris brush his hair ready for his trip to the park - and gets smothered in grateful kisses. The same happens when we feed him, and when he gets to the park none of the other little monsters want to play with him because he's so loud and boisterous. But when a big scary dog jumps over the fence, Boris saves the day by scaring him away with his big, friendly kisses!"

Buy the book here.

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