Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Everybody, it's not Christmaassssssssssss!

Mourning the death of Christmas and the magic she brought to children across the world, there follows a news broadcast by the Terrible Tory Girl. Stay tuned.

Good God: Christmas found dead

The spirit of Christians’ most celebrated holiday has been savagely ripped apart, entrails and all, TTG can reveal.

The true meaning of Christmas was discovered in the early hours of December 25 dead as a doornail, overshadowed by the hand of commercialism.

It is widely believed that the spirit took its life following the Arch Greenpeace disciple’s climate message, appalling television and incessant reruns of buy-me-quick ads.

TTG found the spirit’s battered body after helping "Santa" deliver his gifts.

TTG was too shocked/too full of festive food/ too incensed into the monetary message (delete applicable) to comment.

A Conservative Carol

In the run-up to the opening of the last of the advent calendar doors, a revelation came sprinting to the terrible Tory – that her years of tory-related troublemaking have met their maker according to a political poll.

This year’s terrible tat came in the form of an online compass outing her as a no-good leftie better suited in the Cheka than the Commons.

Here boys and girls TTG tells the tale in her new book, A Conservative Carol (not based on the similarly named A Christmas Carol) of the crisis of faith in her chosen leader.

Blurb of the book:

Emma-Louise Stooge is a disillusioned, self-orientated ex supporter of the Conservative party.

Miss Stooge has lost her once furvent spirit for the party faction’s leader Cameron and faces a future of debauchery, treachery and employment in Labour ranks.

On one fateful night, the ghosts of parliament past, present and future, pay Miss Stooge a visit to tell her that if she doesn’t change her ways or donate x amount to the party, her contempt for the Conservative candidate will eventually lead her to batting for the left side. Featuring cameo appearances from all your favourite Tories of the past.

Here to celebrate the release of the book ‘ A Conservative Carol’ is some extracts taken from Chapters 79-90.

Extract

‘As the Conservative ghost of future led her to a box-shaped chamber, TTG saw her alter/older self, sipping costly champagne and ornating the Commerical Christ’s feet with her auburn hair.

In the back of the room, red rosettes glistened and the graffited pictures of Conservative prime ministers served on the open fire.

"But ghost of Conservative future, this can’t be true! I could never tear away my traditional roots and plant myself firmly in the enemy’s patch."

"My dear stooge, I came from humblest origins, working for my father in his corner shop…."

Stooge interrupted sharply. "I don’t see how your origins relate in my tale, do you?"

The Ghost of Future pursed and scrunched her lips to a parallel pout as she opened her handbag and peered inside.

Handing a wallet-sized card, she said: "Here dear Stooge is what becomes of the broken hearted and conviction-less. You are reduced to a membership card of the dreaded and dreary Labour party. Even the miners weren’t this difficult!"

The Ghost breathed through a sneer and added as they looked on at the scene of men and women pocketing shares of the nation’s notes.

"If you have any hope of being saved from this site of sin, you must jolly well entrust your support in our candidate Davey!"

Emma Louise stooge exhaled a sorry sigh as she turned to find the ghost of future had run off into the night.

With head and shoulders lowered in a terrible sulk, Miss Stooge returned to her bed chamber with a right notion implanted firmly in her mind…’

2 comments:

Nick Wood said...

TTG,
Presumably now that your faith has been re-established you're merely looking forward to a life of debauchery and employment. What fun! Can anyone join in.

Terrible Tory Girl said...

Of course you can Nick!