Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Erotic Spew - Ann Blunders

WARNING: Not for the prude-hearted.

Stretching the maxim of 'politicians are as to porn stars - they both screw people for money', Terrible Tory Girl is convinced that the following mockery of sultry sordid Summers is political and in the public interest.

May TTG point out that this has nothing to do whatsoever of being turned down for work. Nothing at all.

A chance click at the adult sex store left a lot to be desired, namely better PR.

In full accordance with political nonsense, TTG attempts to whip the kinky chain into shape and perhaps submission - workies please?!?

False and frankly insane advertising:

1) To promote their version of the day-trip packages you buy at Smiths, Summers quotes its strip tease class for two as "available for Guys in The Midlands and London areas only. No nudity involved!"

Despite the small point that £99 is an obnoxious price to pay for a skill that most could learn from actor antics or Girls Aloud's choreography , it seems that Ann Summers are partial to stocking clad gentlemen. TTG guesses Rocky Horror Picture Show is to blame. And no nudity? What a tease....

2) " This 28" hooked wooden cane is the perfect piece, particularly for headmasters who have to discipline errant schoolgirls. Position her over your knee and administer a sly stroke or a stinging slap.Just remember to kiss it better.”

Tut tut Ann Summers, surely you would not be encouraging headmasters to knock off with their pupils, with cane in hand to discipline vigorously? Canes are banned in these waters, much to the dismay of TTG.

3) The shop's budding dominatrix kit is pink! Perhaps TTG is cruelly mistaken but are dominatrix types really followers of the pretty girly shade?

4) Ann Summer's eye mask is not just sexy, it is so sexy it has it embellished in big diamante letters. Apparently perfect on planes - TTG hates to think what else Mile Highers plan to do to distract themselves from the hum-drum of flying in mid-air.

5) “Silence! Restrict your subject's power of speech with this quality leatherette ball gag. Sturdy yet comfortable, it adjusts to fit both men and women and makes the wearer feel exquisitely vulnerable.Combine with cuffs or mask for complete sensory deprivation.”

Gosh, do shoppers really need to be spoon-fed on the technicalities of gags? TTG is pretty sure that this is one sex accessory that does not need explanation. Ann Summers, place that gag where the sun doesn't shine.

6) Super PVC tape is here. Apparently “this roll of PVC bondage tape binds, blindfolds, restrains and gags your subject into submission.

All at the same time? Wow, incredible. That's one present off the list....

7) In further PVC fashion, Summers offers an office pencil skirt draped in the pervy material. TTG thinks somehow that it's neither practical for the wearer nor the men who happen to eye the femme fatale wearing the montrosity at work.

8) Keeping up with the Ann Summers dumb-down sex shoppers campaign, they have produced a toy, literally, pointing, where it should be used. Thanks Ann Summers, TTG was frankly lost on where that one goes.

Personally, the "Digital love Vibrator", which should give a clue by its name, is quite an apt response for most licence fee payers to the digi switchover.

9) Just in case toy lovers were confused on how to play with their accessory for their soldier, the vibro ring has a demonstrational video where the toy is filmed buzzing by its lonesome self. Hardly helpful, Summers.

10) A very Merry Christmas to all from Ann Summers:

"Deck the halls..and his tackle too! Our funny snowman pouch is the ultimate seasonal accessory (bonus points if he wears it to your mum's on Christmas Day). Just make sure you get to that carrot before Rudolph."

On second thoughts, TTG can't complain with this, not at all :P - http://www.annsummers.com/calendar/


Nick said...

TTG is back - hurrah (missed you yesterday).
Sounds like all you need from AS is the bondage tape - it seems to do everything?
Were you really looking for work there?

Terrible Tory Girl said...

Why thank you Nick for the adulation :P

Like AS says, its incredibly versatile - I wonder if we could use it to keep Brown firmly in the country and not on yet another surprise visit to the Middle East and yonder.

I had my heart set on working in AS, I've done 2 years of uni to climb the greasy pole of Summers. :D

nick said...

I'd prefer to use it to keep him permanently in the Middle East. Perhaps that nice retirement home I found in the Gaza strip.

nick said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Nick said...

Dunno why that went through twice

Terrible Tory Girl said...

Hehe great plan you've got there Nick! I'm SO in! :)

nick said...

btw, how does journalism qualify you for working at AS? Other than being literate while slagging off their (evidently not very good) products?

Terrible Tory Girl said...

Good question. My uni has to amount to something, why not AS?

It sounds like a holler and a giggle - I feel quite at home in blacked-out shops :P

Nick said...

I confess I've never dared enter on of their emporiums (if that's the correct plural) for fear of appearing (arguably correctly) as a middle aged creep with a dirty mind.
That I probably am has nothing to do with it.
Surely someone, CHQ for example, could use your talents?

Nick said...

Just realised you've posted a comment on my blog. My gratitude is immense, I have a reader!

Kold_Kadavr_flatliner said...

Grrr. Git some FOLLOWERS, girl, and meet me in Heaven where I can kiss thy adorable feet. God blessa youse -Fr. Sarducci, ol SNL