Walter the Softy Takes Over Number 10

As Brown cowers from the poll he so readily publicised on his three month's election trail, I jump on the Private Eye bandwagon and spoof the PM in the Scottish comic strip the Beano. Meet Falter the Scotty


Scene 1 -Best Man Contest

Falter the Scotty talks to the Scotty gang, Alistair ”Sweet” Darling, Des “Bertie” Browne and Douglas ”Nightshirt” Alexander at Meano HQ

Falter: Sob. That menace Cameron with those blue and green stripes is bringing tears to my eyes. That speech, which I, of course did not sit glued to the television watching, has cost me votes - those votes I cleverly collected for three months with my curry favouring with those common voters. Oh Scotties have you a plan to silence and stop that Cameron in his right tracks? (knocks knees and trembles)

Nightshirt Alexander: Aye Falter, we Scotties know what’s best for the voters in the lowlands. The voters won’t be fooled by that genus menace and his numeric nonsense.

Falter: But the polls, Nightshirt. That callous Cameron may foil our policy plans. Have you seen the dastardly devilish Telegraph and the Spews of the World? He has already caught on to our conniving hospital reopening trick, our faked Basra order and our return to spin. (shivers and rattles jaw)

Sweet Darling: (rubs hands with glee) We could cancel the Best Man contest - you are undoubtedly the most brilliant, most gravitas ridden politician of our times - we don’t need a poll to prove that fact. (drools and touches Falter’s shoulder affectionately)

Falter: (Trembles, teeth chattering) But those terrible Tories under the menace will rat us out and accuse us of being sissies, chickens or worse, gutless. I can’t have my Scotty reputation dented by that mischievous menace.

Nightshirt: But prime Falter, retreating and turning tail will keep the Scotties in No 10. Those silly blue collars have always seen the Scotties as the compassionate, virtuous sanction. Plus, with our system of selective spin, those council resident drones will see the Scotties again in a favourable light.

Falter: Bertie Browne?

Bertie Browne: Ach no dear Falter. Every single day we deliver, we have the strength to change Britain… (trails off his earlier speech)

Falter: (Hisses) Bertie, now is not the time to ladel me with those lies. Do I stick to the poll plan or do I scarper with that hoarded £40 billion, the dear grown-ups have forgotten about?

Scotties: (Collectively putting their heads in the sand) Ach, nay poll.


Scene 2: Falter goes on Andrew Marr’s Show


Falter:(fidgets, simpers and whimpers) : No election, lads and gurls - I have a vision for change. Nothing to do of course with that green and blue striped menace. Besides, we would have won. That’s why we are not having a contest of this kind for another two years…you will have forgotten all about my bottler ways by then. Nightshirt, you’re sacked.