Friday, February 06, 2009

Golly, it's the War of the Words

War of the proses ... New Labour policing

Good golly, the War of the Words has broken out - take cover, shut those traps, your dictionary won't save you now.

The word on the street is that vocabulary constabulary have been employed to snoop on the general public and book anyone caught using inappropriate language.

State funded broadcaster, the BBC is thought to be the first to have an in house undercover operation, catching controversial personalities in the act of slipping out derogatory slang.

Comedienne Jo Brand is believed to hold an honorary role after shopping Carol Thatcher to the word services after she used the G word*

Miss Thatcher, who was sacked by the BBC for her slur, faces a year in exile of the spotlight and rehabilitation, a process in which a titanium zip will be sewn into her mouth and cheeks.

Sentences for word crimes vary from a minimum of six months to ten years, longer than murder and manslaughter charges.

Serial offenders will have a chasity retainer placed or in extreme cases, their tongues removed.

In other news, the new edition of family friendly dictionaries will be sold in shops from today. Featuring 500 blank pages, the book contains two words in total which are safe to use. These are:' a' and 'the'.

The vocab constables were forced to remove the rest of the English language after receiving over five million complaints that the words could be miscontrued and used offensively.

Verbal victims are urged to call #473 for free from any pay phone to report language crimes in their area.

*Terrible Tory Girl refrains from printing out the offensive word in its entirety in fear she may too be silenced or worse, made to talk.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's all very Orwellian Newspeak innit?

Scary, eh?