Friday, December 07, 2007

Spews On The News -Scotch Eggs Special

Terrible Tory Girl rounds up the Scottish news for this special edition of Spews on the News.


1) Scots’ Desperate Plea For Migrants

Scotland will face a bleak future of a populace of grumpy geriatrics in thirty years time if the record-low birth rate is not resolved.

A report released this week shows that our Northern neighbours have fewer babies because of concerns over money.

TTG would like to point out that she would have loved to have concocted this little piece, but it is happily the truth and nothing but.

Yes, you heard it right. The Scots want their share of our migrants to fill the pop.gap - Admittedly to save them from the task ahead, plus it’s far cheaper labour.

While the news will whip first fish minister Alex Salmon into a frenzy after thwarting his plans to break off from UK, TTG has a plan for the Scotch egg brethen.

The plan:

1) Sack Scot women in high business/exec/Beeb/government jobs in England
2) Send them back to their maris in Scotland
3) Woo them with chocolate, wino and Northern Sea scampi
4) Impregnate them

Ta da! Problem solved.



2) Gerry McCann: Scot of the year

Gerry McCann, father of the missing Maddie that fronts the Express each morning, has been nominated for Scot of the year in a Scotland on Sunday poll.

The SOS poll (how apt) has been scrutinised by TTG not because of the on-off-on-off suspect but because ex Scottish football manager Alex McLeish and Gordon Brown PM were in the bidding for the online top Scot crown.

Surely out of a grand total of five million Scots, there would be a better line-up

Whatever next, Brown and McCann getting their foot in the best dad of the year contest too. Well if it’s good enough for K-Fed…



3) Lorraine Kelly EXCLUSIVE: My Mum Gave Me These Breasts

Scot GMTV star Lorraine Kelly packed up her inhibitions in her old kit bra this week as she took the plunge in a no-nonsense, seductive black little number.
Buxomed in sheer black, Kelly launched a photo exhibit at the National Portrait Gallery in Scotland, baring more than her trademark smile.

TTG can only think that she’s run out of underwear after auctioning off her bras for charity.


......................Free prescriptions, higher police wages, prettier landmarks and their own monster – good loch, the Scots have it so good.

6 comments:

Ordovicius said...

1) Sack Scot women in high business/exec/Beeb/government jobs in England
2) Send them back to their maris in Scotland
3) Woo them with chocolate, wino and Northern Sea scampi
4) Impregnate them


If you can ammend point 2 to "Send them to Caernarfon" and skip the scampi in point 3, then I'm in favour. Not Scottish are you, by any chance?

Terrible Tory Girl said...

Why Caenarfon? Do the Welshies have the eye for the Celtic lasses, eh?

Sorry, I'm English to the bone - such a misfortune on my part.

Bunny said...

Are you saying to be English is unfortunate? I think you must be roundly chastised for such blasphemy.

I'm rapidly becoming annoyed with the favouritism shown to Scotland though. Soon I may have to start planning an invasion.

Ordovicius said...

Sorry, I'm English to the bone -

You were half Welsh the other day

Why Caenarfon?

Because I live there

Terrible Tory Girl said...

Ordovicius, I'm having a nationality crisis :P

Plus I'm not sure many English would open admit that they descend from sing-song Wales - let alone from a place yards away from the Forrester folk.

Ordovicius said...

Plus I'm not sure many English would open admit that they descend from sing-song Wales - let alone from a place yards away from the Forrester folk.

Funny that. 15 years ago nobody wanted to be English at all.