Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Spews On The News - December 4/5

Terrible Tory Girl comes to the ranting ring, keen to give the smug-unhuggable Bear Blears a grilling and equally keen to put Vincie on the Lib pedestal.

Here is the terrible news for this week:

1) Pensioner Banned From Club For Fouling Farts

The Terrible Tory would like to point out that the geriatrics of the world do tend to have less control over their bowels as they would hope. Expelling gases from ones rectum is a fact of life and cannot be contained.
Devon, where’s your respect for your elders, huh?

2) Christianophobes To Get A Taste Of Their Own Myrrh

Christmas spirit has worked its way through the Terrible Tory woodwork, even despite the commercial crowds flocking the superstores by night. A new fave MP, a certain Mark Pritchard is taking up the cross, exalting it in his right hand and demanding a debate into Christianophobia today. No, it’s not phobia of Christiano, the overpriced footballer Portugan who it would seem is country blind, but of England’s religion.

The political nannies, who would rather see the Christian God go to hell (too late, Jesus already did that and what a pleasant long weekend that was), reckon us Chrits have nothing to complain about. Er, try walking in our sandals for 40 days and you may just see why we are irritated to high heaven about the festivities neutered and censored beyond recognition.
Terrible Tory Girl knows who’s on her Christmas card list this year.

3) Murderer Granted A Child By Brussels

Here is just one big reason why the Human Rights Act of 1998 should be scrapped.
A murderer has won €11,000 in costs and €5,000 in damages because the government refused to allow his former jailbird wife to use IVF for a child.
Blunkett refused his application in 2003 but the prisoner, who will be released in 2009, went to the EU courts complaining bitterly of a breach of his Human Rights.
Now the wife, who will be 51 by the time he gets out, who probably won’t be able to conceive, has been granted immediate access to IVF.
Considering how many law-abiding citizens struggle to give birth naturally and can’t afford the fancy lab treatment, Terrible Tory Girl is utterly appalled that a man who took away a life should be given so readily a life of his own.

‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’ is one maxim these EU bureaucrats should serve in their Brussels’ banquets.

Only in Europe would a cold-blooded murderer be given the gift of life, a gift that is one of insult and pure mockery for the victim’s family.

A step of rehabitation too far.

PMQ Presents ‘Fat Cats’ – their first political pantomime

WARNING – Contains nuts.

It would seem that the tacky-quality street wrapped Ex Corrie stars in pantomime have had quite the impact on today’s business in PMQ.
Gone were the nappers and in were the ‘no you haven’t’, ‘oh yes I have’ jibes cross-bench.
Mr Speaker scolded one MP, telling the ‘Rt Hon to behave himself’ and both the Troffs and the Sabres felt Dr Martin’s wrath for their roars from one bench to the other.
Cue shouting, red-faced grassroots waving newspapers menacingly and the sporting of faux-pas polkadot ties with salmon shirt a la Patrick Mercer, the line-up for a panto play seemed imminent.
With only a week before gov men and women break-up for the year, here’s PMQ’s ‘Fat Cats’ for one-time only.

‘Fat Cats’ synopsis

Fat Cats tells the story of the Jekyll fat cats of Westminster, who unlike most cats, have three salaries, one paid for by the tax paying cats, one paid by deceit by the tax paying cats and one paid by dodgy arms deals.
The pantomime opens up on the PMQ yard where the government are jeering over who should be given the most praise this week and will be politically reborn.
Grizabrowno, the cat who prostituted Britain to the EU, yearns to make the nation great again but the other cats shun him after his misdeeds, bungling benefit records, dodgy donation scams and selling his country for oil.
Speaker Michael Martin listens to all the fat cats as they compete to be reborn in the press as rose-sniffing-kind politicians.
David the Theatre Cat along with Des Browneshanks, the defence cat and Grizabrowno, the cat of the night, contest for the chance to be redeemed by the media barons.
Inspired by Lloyd Webber’s musical hit ‘Cats’ ,‘Fat Cats’ is the musical based on true events including the country’s least favourite political stars.

Here’s a teaser of the musical to hit taxpayers near you before the recess begins – Des Browne sings for his supper with this new adaptation of the ‘Oakey Cokey’

‘You put your dodgy arm in, dodgy arm out, in out, in, out, shake the soldier all about, you do the jokey jokey and you turn your back around, and leave the body bag out…Speeches bent, arms bent, ha ha ha.’


Anonymous said...

Cor, another tantalising Tory wench! Ten more and I'll have the makings of a calender!


Anonymous said...

RE the proposed flag, I like this one

Anonymous said...

ust a thought, why didn't the Welshies complain 200 years earlier?

We did, but nobody spoke the lingo ;)

Newmania said...

Too long and too many difrent bits but some of it is very funny