Taking the Piss-tory - Uses For A History Degree

With the soft degree options decried in the public arena for their total lack of relevance in the workplace, Terrible Tory Girl, in historian guise, argues why a history degree is not much better.

Here are the uses of a history degree.

NB - Terrible Tory Girl would like to point out that she herself is a history UG and would appreciate not being a target of a bitch-hunt. Thanks, in advance.


In an emergency

Victim: “Help, anybody?”
Essayist: “Don’t worry you are in safe hands, see, I write essays and I can write one about this incident.”
Victim: “But, but I will probably be dead by then.
Essayist: “Even better, gives us historians the chance to write ridiculous theories without the person in question being able to lift their hand in protest. We sure do love the dead. “
Victim: “Look, can’t you put me in the recovery position, CPR, ring ambulance?”
Essayist: “Why would I need those skills when I have the ability to write celebrational essays. That’s got me thinking, why don’t I write an essay on the origins of essays."

Victim flatlines.


In building a house

Builder: “Right, here’s be having yet. What can you do?”
Essayist: “I can write essays. Give me five hours, a computer, ten hefty volumes and I can pinpoint and argue when building began. Whether the Eygptians or the Romans were the real architectural entrepreneurs.”
Builder: “You Egypt-what? I was wanting to use mortar, cement, that larky. I don’t fink paper is gonna do trick."
Essayist: “But don’t you see, how utile the skill of writing pages and pages of incomprehensible nonsense about the past, is to daily life?”
Builder: “Well all I know that it don’t make houses.”
Essayist: “Who needs homes when you have essays?”
Builder: “Er I fink you’ve lost the plot, mate. How’s about you get in that foundation pit, like, and write your sodding essay while I get to work building this bleeding house.”
Essayist :(protests) “But, but, but, isn’t there where the cement’s going, according to Evans…(splutters as cement pours in his gaping mouth)”
Builder: “That shut him up. Now I can get back to work in peace.”



In putting children to bed

Daughter: “Can you tell me the story about the princess, pretty please?”
Essayist: “Well, I have something even better than that. I can tell you all about the lives of Russia’s princesses. Wouldn’t you like that, darling? And Anastasia, also known commonly as the Grand Duchess of Russia, has varying translations of her name into English from the Russian. Some contemporaries insist that her name meant, “ she will rise again.” Others argue that it means, “prison opener”…
Essayist: (after five minutes more historically dull drivel)“Darling?”

Daughter is fast asleep.

Essayist: (mutters to herself)“Impertinent child, these tales are of more interest than those poxy fairy fables.”

In an office job

Editor: “So could you file these papers under the sub section labelled enquiries and put them in alphabetical order, pronto?”
Essayist: “Wouldn’t you rather I write a piece on how arrangement of paperwork has become more prevalent in the 21st century with the increased role of paper in our day-to-day lives?”
Editor: “No. Just sort out that pile, will you?”
Essayist: (Grumbles) “How do I do that again?”
Editor: “Sigh these bloody history graduates. Useful for nothing. That’s the last time I employ someone with a silly title like PHD in 20th century history.”


In catering

Chef: “Make me up some saute potatoes, toss some lean beef steaks onto the hot plate. What the hell do you think you’re doing? This is a kitchen – we don’t have text books or pens. We have dozens of punters out there. Put down that book and get on to the cooking. We have 20 customers out there still to be fed. What, what are you writing now?”
Essayist: (excitedly)” I am a history grad and I can tell you when saute potatoes were first widely used and mentioned in literature.”
Chef: (bewildered) “Surprisingly, I think they want some food, not some food for thought. Get on with the cooking or it will be your head I serve on their platter along with your food thesis. “(roars and seizes essayist by throat)
Essayist: “ I (cough) can (splutters) also tell you at great length (nurses neck) about Lenin’s diet, if you like.”

Whack! Punch! Crack!
Essayist is sprawled on the floor.


In love-making:

Lover: “Talk dirty to me baby.”
Essayist: “Oh darling, copulate me. Immissiso penis – which translates from the latin for intromission which I’d quite fancy you to do to. The essayist, Alex Comfort, puts forward a strong case for why homo sapiens revel in fornication. He lists these as…..” 1
Lover: (interrupts) “Baby, forget the history books.”

Essayist continues to cite scholars for the recreational value of intercourse.

Lover: “Copulate this.” (Swears and leaves the room)


Citations: 1 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_intercourse

Well done, smart arse, you are truly qualified for the real world. See those three years poring at dusty hardbacks in the library did not go to waste at all.