60 millionth arrest for Brown murder plot

POLICE have placed themselves under arrest after the whole nation was found to be plotting to rid of "their meddlesome fleece beast".

Reports from popular rags printed that the fifth person was under arrest but sources close to the prime minister reveal that the number is far closer to 60 million.

It is believed soaring prices, and the rise of his Wednesday Addams smile drove the public to the edge as they ruthlessly planned his demise.

Gordon Brown has decided to continue in his post even in light of these revelations. "Go now, we want to see you leave...."

.......

And in other news, TTG turns 21 today - she has only one birthday wish - put an end to slave Labour, support the Tories.

Going, going, gone....for Gold...

....The Gov give the athletes a run for their money.


Olympiorum finum - thank fuck!


Finally after the longest two weeks in history, the pro British farce has come to an end, with our top athletes (all dames and dukes you know) coming in at a measley 4th. By the constant politburo style propaganda, you would have thought Britain was topping the league but no, we suck, per usual.

The sad Brit flag anaraks aside, Brown and Boris made what should be a joyful experience for cynics like TTG into one from hell. Necking something strong before hitting the stage, Boris proclaimed "ping pong is coming home" before Brown, who had evidently gone too far in smuggling laughing gas, beamed like the Cheshire cat with a smile lined with slime and oozing with sleaze. Their little shacking up on the stage won the gold for cringeworthiness, with our disastrous stereotype cheese bus routine coming in at silver and Cuban taekwondo pro picking up the bronze for his kicking of the ref.

TTG is quite partial to that type of irony. Perhaps she could whack all the sad viewers of this terrible spectacle with her laptop before that gets stolen.

Puzzling TTG even more was the inclusion of pop tart Leona and David Beckham. Yes David is a footballer but last time TTG checked football wasn't an olympic event, it's not even a proper sport with the players kicking bags of money from one team pitch to another.

TTG supposes on the count of money that the Olympics is not much different-a contest to see who can waste the most dosh on a pointless exercise. In the immortal words of Ozzy-God bless- Osbourne, why pay a fortune when we can watch a man run around a track for free at the gym?

Gordy, this may have been your chance to get to your soapbox to pledge the wonder of Pro-Britain but isn't it funny how the big games to be hosted in our home hovel will not come out of every Briton's pockets, only those unlucky to live in the South East. Even Gordy won't have to pay for it, being in his native Scotchland. TTG bets thats why he is smiling so.

Your sadness makes him smile

SMILE - A song by Gordon to his public:

When you first left me I was wanting more
But you were voting that guy next door, what cha do that for (what cha do that for)
When you first left me I didn't know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my Chinese friends
I found an Olympic light in the tunnel at the end
Now I'm calling you up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack
I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help myself
See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Mrs DemenTed

Carol, stop making money out of your mother's name! We know Mrs T has dementia so stop snatching milk from the public cash cow. Go get lost in the jungle. What happened to respecting your parents? Journalists, eh? They'd sell their own mothers for a story. Or eat a bull's testacle...


MacDough-gal


So that explains why Brown was so quick to show his respect for the dead Dougal. He quite half fancied hushing the part where the late MP had wanted to sue the hell out of the gov for refusing to pay up compensation for the disease that killed him.

Why couldn't the gov pay up? They happily spend our money on Jags, flats, everything and the kitchen sink. Does a jag really mean more than a life?


Home Office Losers

43 laptops? 94 mobiles? Why on earth do we let out the House of Commons to such a bunch of losers?

Is this New Labour's latest policy to cut down on crime figures by er, "misplacing" the evidence?
They're not the smartest criminals TTG has seen. At least wipe the memory sticks or have a list of passwords, other than the mundrane password. Even block mobiles...

Whoops. Did TTG just give the gov ideas on how to rid of their incriminating stash?

It's strange they are having a real difficulty looking after their computers (just say no to taking them home with you). They didn't have a problem with rigging ballot papers, did they, eh?

EXCLUSIVE: Government laugh off democracy

The people have spoken yet Gordy sure ain't listening. Faced with the fact that Bolshy Clarkson, of Top Gear host fame, is more popular than he, after 47,000 odd voters signed in favour of handing the No.10 keys to Jez, Brown slammed his Iron firmly down.

For Brown, democracy and epetitions are a joke as demonstrated by his team's reaction:

Tuesday 19 August 2008

PMClarkson - epetition response

We received a petition asking:

“We the undersigned petition the Prime Minister to make Jeremy Clarkson Prime Minister.”

Details of Petition:

“Jezza is legend and deserves a chance to run the country.”

· Read the petition
· Petitions homepage

Read the Government’s response

We thought long and hard about the request to make Jeremy Clarkson the Prime Minister and in the end we put our thoughts down in a short film on YouTube. You can take a look here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNy1w4DV5Hw

....and there was us thinking democracy was alive and well. D'oh.

BRITAIN’S IN THE GOLD: SECOND MEDAL WON

Going for gold... Gordon in race

Britain has won a second gold medal just minutes after cyclist Nicole Cooke pedalled to success earlier today.

Dawdler Gordon Brown, who is prime minister by night, scooped the gold prize after beating world leader records of staying put in one spot for over ten years.

The stubborn Scot, despite reports of the sportsman not being in shape and not up to the job, beat off no opposition to remain in the top spot.

Critics in the public jeered that ‘he was a bottler’ after he failed to show for the contest last October.

While the one-man contest is legit under contest rules, Brown still proves to be unpopular in the sportsworld.

Joe Bloggs said: “He didn’t even give Cameron (Brown’s rival) a chance. He never had to face the public – how is that democratic?

Bloggs added.” He’s like a bad smell, he refuses to go whatever you do. Opinion polls across the country have said he should give up the game but he refuses to listen.”

Britain’s answer to Musharraf

Brown, who at 57 is young in the immobile world, however has had support from former prime athlete, Mrs Thatcher who hopes he sticks to his guns and stays until at least 2010.

Brown rose to motionless success after training Tony Blair in the sport. Mrs Thatcher, in her prime, had managed to stay put for eleven years, a personal best beat by Brown’s student in 2007.

Gordon, who has been hit by controversy in the past after claims he had stolen his rivals’ techniques, is confident he can beat his new record.

Rival David Cameron is set to pip Gordon, 13 years his senior, once Gordon sets the date of the next contest.

But as Alex Salmond, Scottish champ said: "I've got news for David - I don't think there's going to be an imminent general contest somehow."

Coming soon....TTG's Daily De-bait

TTG has been forced to take involuntary redundancy from her wonderful T.O.R.Y blog and shan't be back on to your screens until Mr Modem and Mr BT hook up and arrange a meeting for this blogster to return to the cyberforce.


TTG'll be back...and that's the truth.


For the meantime, do not fret, breathe deeply, in and out and read about the terrible Tory girl's latest feature, the Daily De-bait.

The De-bait, as the name entails will be a discussion on a snippet of news that has got TTG lined and hooked to her pc monitor.

It might be celeb gossip, might be politics, anything that comes to mind....but this is where you come in.

Updated daily (well hopefully), TTG wants you to submit your views, give suggestions for topics and have more of a say on her site - abuse directed towards her is fine but don't abuse the abuse.

So, with no further delay, on to today's discussion:

SHOULD MPS DO TRAINING BEFORE ENTERING THE HOUSE?

*Political access courses?
*x years unpaid volunteer work in constituency?
*x hours requirement in the Commons?
*Capped expenses?
*Commission based work - more they attend meetings, more they earn?

What do YOU think? Tell her here.

Mouses at the ready....

EXCLUSIVE: First terror suspect detained for 42 days

Left, Mr B arrested outside his home; Right Darling visits

BRITAIN'S first terrorist has been nabbed under the new detention laws that allow cops to jail suspects for up to 42 days without charge.

The suspect, from Downing Street, London, turned to a life of crime shortly after moving to the cul-de-sac, infamous for being a crack hotspot for addicts.


Bobbies on the beat spotted the grey-haired goldfish-gulping gangster conning voters into signing up to pyramid schemes which crippled subscribers and left them penniless.

Now the Scot, who was slapped with the sentence after former members of his gang shopped him in, faces being toppled from his under world company.

Fellow thugs Dave Milli-Spanner and Harriet Hard-man are two tipped for the big take over following the arrest and detention of Mr B.

Mr B told T.OR.Y he felt betrayed by the ex-cons and penned his anger in a song he calls Mein Kampf: 60,480 minutes, a reference to the time he must stay behind bars.

Here's the transcript to the song critics are calling his comeback plan as the big boss.

It is believed that Mr B got inspired to write after watching this video





60,480 minutes to save Labour

(Straw)

We’re outta dime and all we got is 60,480 minutes (x8)
Cough up
Now
Quake, Brown
Cough up

(Gordon)

I’m so coy
I’ve been waiting for somebody
To pick up my dole

(Darling)

Well don't waste time
Before you resign
Tell me how you sat n stole

(Brown)

I want somebody to bleed the country for me,
Then take it down low,
There’s no room for growth.


(Darling)

Well, I can handle that,
You just gotta show me where it’s at
Are you ready to go?
(Are you ready to go?)


(Darling & Brown)

If you want splits
You already got it
If you fought it
It better be what you want
If you steal it
It must be real just
say the word
and ima give you what you want


(Darling & Brown)

Crime is soaring
We only got 60,480 minutes to save Labour
No hesitating
Bribe a PR
Bribe a rag
Time’s not waiting
We only got 60,480 minutes to save the Party
No hesitating
We only got 60,480 minutes, 60,480 minutes

(Darling and Brown)

Keep it up, keep it up, Labour won’t die, aye
Gord’s on out, uh,
You gotta forget poll flop,
Nick stocks nick stocks nick stocks
That’s right, sweep ‘em up, sweep ‘em up, we need supplies, hey
Gord’s on out, uh
You gotta get the prem chop
Tick tock tick tock tick tock

(Brown)

Sometimes I think what we need is an EU intervention, yeah

(Darling)

And by dough, I can tell that you like it
And that it's good, by the way that you move, ooh, hey

(Brown)

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, yeah

(Darling)

But if we lose this fight
At least we can say we did what we wanted to do
Tell me, how bout you?

(Brown and Darling)

If you want splits
You already got it
If you fought it
It better be what you want
If you steal it
It must be real just
say the word
and ima give you what you want

(Brown and Darling)

Crime is soaring
We only got 60,480 minutes to save Labour
No hesitating
Bribe a PR
Bribe a rag
Time’s not waiting
We only got 60,480 minutes to save the Party
No hesitating
We only got 60,480 minutes, 60,480 minutes

(Brown and Darling)

Keep it up, keep it up, Labour won’t die, aye
Gord’s on out, uh,
You gotta forget poll flop,
Nick stocks nick stocks nick stocks
That’s right, sweep ‘em up, sweep ‘em up, we need supplies, hey
Gord’s on out, uh
You gotta get the prem chop
Tick tock tick tock tick tock


(Straw)

Quake Brown
Yeah
(tick tock tick tock tick tock)
Yeah, uh huh
(tick tock tick tock tick tock)
You only got 60,480 minutes until you go

Parl' wars: Attack of the clones

Crash Gordon

The fleet street sheep have finally left Gordy to graze on greener pastures in the Cameron camp.

As the Unions plead for an end to the No Labour faction, papers from the G. Mail to the Gordygraph and even to the Dependant have hung up their pens in protest in the face of a future of writing the impossible: Pro-Broon puffs.

The Guardian are no longer faithful angels, seated up left, if this blog post by Bridget Fox is anything to go by.

Doctor of the daily Wail, or Gmail, Dacre, has made a Right move, and now backs Cameron after his brief fling with "walking on water Brown" ended in tears.

The Dependent too has packed up it's individualistic rag to check out the Tory that's setting the public papers' hearts on flame.

Gordygraph, even under its recent Sinistrum yoke, has revoked its left wing dalliances.

His Scotch compatriots are not sending out an SOS for him, particularly not the Scotland on Sunday.

Rowan, the Lambeth fly trap, the man who launched a thousand debates over his Sh'ite talk on Sharia law, has stood by his Lord rather than er Gord.

Rather than to divide the Church so that Gordy and his political poachers may walk Scot-free, he has decided to turn the other cheek and blow a raspberry at the pm by his attempt to solder the falling pieces of church back together again.

And the Unions? United against Brown.

But, don't worry pet, you have one Unusual suspect you can count on for support.

....

Your Tory tea chum, Maggie T.

Is your time up too, Brown? Is your state funeral in the wake of 2010?