Mills & Broon: The Shortcoming of Gordon

Mills and Broons are proud to present their latest range of political erotica. To celebrate the release of the range, here is an excerpt of their most popular to date, 'The Shortcoming of Gordon'.

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Chapter 1: Gordon

....

Obama had stripped bare. He rid his House of the flags and podiums, preferring to meet his older guest draped in nothing but his inauguration suit.

No formality was necessary to meet the man to whom he felt close.

He trusted this silver haired, silver tongued Scot. He yearned to have him by his side more often - he had a way with his fiscal figures.

Obama rubbed down his crisp shirt as he went to welcome his guest, his hands moistened as he clasped Gordon's rough palm. He remembered sadly that the two would not be alone for long but he was determined to put the short time together to good practical use.

Gordon could hardly contain his excitment as he greeted and embraced the dashing Barack. He smiled that he would be the first to come and explore his international partnership with the American.

Obama had only slotted Gordon in for an hour but an hour was enough for Gordon to truly make their relationship special. He was keen to show this dapper toned young president all that he learnt in the boardroom.


Obama leant against the doorpost as he fumbled with the door knob and twisted it gently, urging Gordon to enter. The stout statesman walked briskly through with Obama close behind, his arm resting on his waist.

Gordon stopped at the desk and turned around to face Barack. "Hello, my friend", he said with his words dripping with sincerity.


He ran his fingers through Obama's drawers, admiring his handiwork. "Your banking policies please me. I'm glad Britain has your attention and can count on your support."

Gordon reached in further and took hold of the key to Obama and his special relationship and held it firm in his hand .....



Additional words by the guys at the FT

Those Obamania headlines again.

Omnipresent ... Obama on the catwalk

Just in case you haven't heard or missed out on the small coverage in the papers, the Messiah has returned to earth. And in other news, Obama becomes President.

Here is the round-up of headlines for Day 3 of his Presidency. *

Obama brings peace to the Middle East

HOURS after closing torture terror camp Guantanamo Bay, superman Barack Obama has brought peace to the Middle East with ONE phone call. Middle Eastern leaders settled their differences after the new President convinced them with a speech written by someone else, that "yes we can have peace".

Obama voted best President

BARACK Obama has topped a poll of best Presidents in America's history despite leading the country for just one day. Obama beat George Washington hands down picking up 98 per cent of the vote of all Americans polled to George's two per cent.

"I love Gordon" says top man Obama

OBAMA has sparked rumours of an affair after being heard blowing kisses in a call to self-imposed leader of Britain, Gordon Brown. Obama was snapped without his wedding ring as he rang his main man in Europe.

Dancing King

OBAMA is set to make a cameo appearance on Dancing with the Stars after impressing judges with his steps at his TEN galas. The president, whose schedule is as light as his toes after finishing his world chores, reckons "he can" cope with the gruelling workout involved.

Happy Obama Day

PRESIDENT Barack Obama has bowed down to pressure and made a public holiday to celebrate himself. The special holiday will take place on January 21st every year with nationals remembering where they were and what they were doing when he was inaugurated.

Miracle Walker

BARACK OBAMA was seen walking on water at his local swimming pool. Fellow swimmers were shocked when their trunked hunk hero stepped on swimmers from one side of the pool to the other. Experts believe this is only the second incident of this kind to ever be recorded.

"Obama saved my life...on the telly"

AN ILLINOIS pensioner was saved from certain death when in his dying moments he heard Obama speak.The pensioner whose heart had relapsed, was revived by hearing the president take his oath.

He said: "I could see the white at the end of the tunnel. I was gone for. But then, I heard that great man speak. It was if he had reached out across the screen and pressed the on button on my heart." Read more of this modern miracle here....

Welcome to the presidential suit - How to get Obama's look

BLACK is the new black. This season dark linen suits are all the rage. We love Jaegar's three piece set for a recession-busting price tag of a zillion US dollars or billion UK Euros. To get his signature look, team black pants with a crisp open white shirt and republican red tie. For accessories, aviator sunglasses, bulletproof car and gowned arm candy in the form of Michelle.

Tissue-makers blown away by record sales

KLEENEX is celebrating world record sales after three tons of tissues were sold on ONE day alone. January 21st has made history in Kleenex's accounts after snivelling Americans and Probamanians across the world snapped up the tissues in preparation for the big day.

Not of this earth ... Obama hailed the second Jesus

DISCIPLES have begun writing the next chapter of the bible, convinced that Barack Obama is the son of God. The Book of Obama, which will reveal his five years' long journey to the White House from obscurity, will be in shops next week retailed at $35.99.

*For libel reasons, Terrible Tory Girl would like to declare that this is a poor attempt at satire. None of the above carries any truth...for now.

EXCLUSIVE: Tony Blair wins Presidency

Winner of US Election 2008: Tony Blair

Well the votes haven't yet been all been penned but TTG has a sneaky suspicion, not influenced by the polls whatsoever, that changeling Obama is next to step into the Presidents' hot seat.

While TTG was convinced the Old Arrogant POW (OAP) would have his dying moments in the Oval as Mrs Palin gets off her knees to announce herself as the US Pres, TTG was utterly butterly wrong.

In the midst of capitalist collapse and rich bankers having to trade in their exec cars for a model three years older, it seems the world would rather have the last laugh and giggle at the expense of rich sods losing their cash to the wind.

Apparently Socialism is their preferred solution... despite that when Capitalism last crashed on its costly anus, the rise of the Reds left us with not a lot to play with. One Cold War and plenty of sateillite countries brainwashed by Romanov Ruskis.

Still, if the Yanks prefer to believe that they will sit in a hippy drum circle, holding hands with Proles and billion dollar men, each with the same pay packet and free health care at the touch of a button, then go ahead. Vote Obama.

He's an affable geezer, yes, but how long will it be 'til this Disney dream prince novelty wears off?
For behind the words and the sexy striped suits, lies inexperience, and a very American Tony Blair.

He is a wide-eyed twenty something intern, convinced the world's woes can be remedied with a flash of his seductive smile. That poverty can somehow be reversed with a speech. Just like his pal Tone, the man whose risks and oratory took Britain to its knees before he buggered off to cash in on the UK's misera.

Good luck America, this vial of truth will be hard to swallow, but you're the next world power to fall for one man.




An anthem for doomed booths

Little donkey, little donkey on the campaign road

Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

Been a long time, little donkey, through the election night

Dont give up now, little donkey,

Washington's in sight

Swing out those votes tonight

Washington, Washington

Follow that Red Star tonight

Washington, Washington

Little donkey, little donkey, had a levy day

Little donkey, carry Marx safely on his way

Little donkey, little donkey, journey's end is near

There are yes-men waiting for a sign to bring them here

Do not falter little donkey, there's a Red star ahead

It will guide you, little donkey, to DC ahead.

Rig out those votes tonight

Washington, Washington

Follow that Red star tonight

(to) Washington, Washington

Little donkey, little donkey, had a levy day

Little donkey, carry Marx, safely on his way

Little donkey, carry Marx, safely on his way

The turtle red neck and the rampant rabbit: Race to the the Big White House

Racers: Sarah rabbit and turtle red neck

The tale of the turtle and the rampant rabbit: Race to the Big White House

Once apon a time there was a rampant rabbit named Sarah rabbit. She was very beautiful and won many beauty contests. Pretty Palin soon got jobs and the attention of her husband and others....

She, like many other rabbits in the forest of America, liked to get knocked up and have babies. Her daughter too shared this hobby.

Sarah, like many other rabbits also liked to run. Especially for office.

One day she saw the slow, old Sergeant turtle red neck, heading towards the big White House. Now Sarah wanted to live in this big house but the only person who could live in the big white House had to win the race.

But Sarah, while she could run fast, could not beat the turtle because she had not bothered to train before.

The next day, the second time she saw the turtle, she asked to join his training team so once the fat old turtle was too old, she could live in the big White House herself.

Now turtle red neck McCain knew of the rampant rabbit's plans to take over but he needed to win the race.

So the day after, the third time the two met, he asked Sarah rabbit to join his team. Turtle red neck was happy because he knew that many people would help him in his training with the rampant rabbit on his arm.

Turtle neck rubbed his feet with glee - "Now I can beat Barack bunny in the big race."

To be continued....

Will Turtle red neck with sexy rampant rabbit beat off Barack bunny for the White House?

Will Sarah shoot Barack bunny's chances? Or just shoot Barack? Or shoot herself in her foot?

Has turtle red neck made a big mistake?

Tell the terrible author below ....

More Spews on the News

TTG will be quick today, she has a lot to get through and still needs to get dolled up to trek on the tubey wubey.

Boz: Carpe Latinem

Boris has really excelled himself these past two weeks with a string of policies that might just work. First it was the ban on the drunks, next the gloves are on and Virgil is back on watch in school textbooks.

Perhaps when down with his kids in the sun, his babes crayoned some really useful ideas - ideas that suspiciously appear to contain elements of common sense. Did the bouffant blonde really concoct such wonders with his own two hands?

From one Juvenal to another, the notion of Latin back in the classroom, is a scary one for TTG. For seven years, her comprehensively torturous school, force fed Livy and Cicero, boring into her innermost skull, the dastardly declensions, mens-a, mens-o, ecce Romani, riddles written in a dead tongue.

Still it stopped TTG from hitting the streets and abusing others - she'd rather do that to the books and she did, often - scribbling on that bastard Vigil's head.

Latin is not picked for choice, it's picked to impress - to demonstrate survival of the fittest (you have only survived in life if you survived Latin)

Box-pop

Also in Bozzy's to-do-list is boxing class - another try to pent out the aggression of Lundun's youths. Well it didn't work for one infamous MP, who certainly has no RESPECT for his fellows. Why not instead set up in each gym, school and centre a de-cross room.

A room where pent-up people can throw to their heart's content, foam things at walls, at others' faces, where they can place pics of their bosses and staple paper penises to their heads or plunge scissors into their scalp.

Well TTG would pay to go- need she bring a picture of Brownie or do they have one in stock?

Little Bo-Weep

Boz steps down as MP in safely Tory seat, Henley. He shall be missed :(


Lost-their-witsSun

Cancelled. The Chrit festival has been axed off calendars and written off into obscurity and guess what, noone knew. Is that the latest Harbour (aka - Labour - always hangs around and is hated) policy to make bad, bad, bad decisions and not tell? Oh, hasn't that always been their held- hand -on-heart-on-sofa conduct of gov life? ;-)


EU-Ire-land

Ireland, Ireland, together....get to vote on the Lisbon Treaty on the 12th. Maybe TTG should put on her dodgy Irish accent and get to the voting booths....



Obama the Moon

As it says in the title, TTG has another electoral triumph notch to add to her bedpost - her fave man over the pond has been declared the democratic nominee. After 17 months of incessant coverage of the campaign, the colour of the candidates,low cash funds, and shameless celebs cashing in on the limelight, Obama faces next losing to the chip off the old block, McCain - the 'Nam man.
American democracy: working towards a lighter future

Take a tip from California

Dear Mr Brown, here is how to solve the terrible terror teething and immigration ires, click here for a policy that WILL work.

Regards,

Your biggest critic,

TTG

Spews on the News May 6

Save the Whale

Talksport, the radio station that er talks sport, mostly, has its fair share of controcool figures, past and present, ranging from oh Hallow-aye, Gaunty and James Whale.

Although thanks to some three PC slimy Ken kindlers, the great Whale, a known right ringer, has been forced to quit his post on the grounds of impartiality.

And his charge? 'Vote Boris'. The Beeb, allegedly apolitical, is full to its biased brim of Labour luvvies who between each breath and word gush to the scowling scoundrels on the front bench. Why aren't those horrendously-payed hacks sacked under this same guiding principle?

Talksport bosses, you should be ashamed of yourself. Even radio stars have the right of freedom of expression and you knew what was in store when you picked him to host.

Save the Whale!

Visit here to leave your messages of support.

And here for that news story in full.



Turn Back Crime

Since the revelation that Bonkers-bonking mad crime buster Boris is desperate to try on the premier crown, TTG has a funny feeling she has seen it all before....

For Boris is:

Ambitious
Smart
Journalist
Author
American connections
One time social democrat
Historian
Aristocratic roots
Witty
Gaffe-a-minute
Lion-heart courage

Surely it couldn't be.......Winston!

Cripes. But how? There are three well-thought out, equally insane explanations below.

1) Is Boris the result of Winston wanting to leave his mark on history?
2) Is Winston alive in Boris, like in that Disney flick, the Lion King?
3) Is Winston really alive but who bought a blonde floppy wig, went to the plastic surgeon and got a name swop? Or is his charming new looks down to the good ole men at the secret services who reconstructed him with the help of L'oreal's deep-set wrinkle serum? - Makes you look ten years younger apparently.

Post your thoughts, conspiracies below on their uncanny resemblance to one another.




Hillary sprints on to beat Barack's polls

Surprise, surprise, America to choose Hillary as democrat dirigeant after her position in the polls surged suddenly when they realised they may vote in, quel horreur, the unaccepted.

Hillary now boasts 51 per cent, a 7 per cent lead since two weeks before when Obama was flying high to electoral earnings, with a 12 point lead on his Clinton rivale.

Still, TTG, will pledge to support Obama, even if the Yankee Doodles play the safe card.

Read all about it here.


Build it up with bricks and more, ta

In a bid to beat the Canard* boffins who built a tower reaching 96 feet, Britons got their lego bricks and set to work to create a tower mast four feet higher, at (pronounced) Leegoland, Windsor.

TTG doesn't know about you but she's very surprised our fiends at the PC office haven't come knocking to put red tape around the mast since kiddies might swallow the bricks, stick them in their ears, or heaven forbid put them on an 100 ft high tower that could splat a child.

Although the tower does resemble more the tower of Pisa than a mast judging by this pic she stole off the BBC website.



News story here.


*Canadians

Spews On The News February 19-21

TTG apologies yet again for her absence in the blogo-politico-sphere and is keen to pinpoint the blame and reproach the dastardly faculties at university for this. TTG has unvoluntarily been busy trying to sex-up the wood pigeon, following her crush around the house and taking a good nightcap in the form of Lambs rum. That and poetry.

But she's back, for a short column inch only, to give you a little taste of the terrible news to hit the paperstands.


Faithfully Fidel

Fidel, the leader faithful of commie Cuba has taken early retirement after only 49 years in the job!
Considering that TTG has not even seen half of his primaship, with only twenty years of consciousness under her belt, she can't justify any comment so for you looney leftos, read George Galloway's biography or visit wikipedia. (It's likely to be more accurate than any newspaper coverage)

Ah Castro.

Northern Rock & Roll

If the Dilly-Dallygraph is to be believed, the nationalisation of Northern Rock, not only has pissed off Mr Branson Pickle but will piss off tax payers when they discover that we may have to fit a bill of a whopping £3,500 each. It's days like this when privitisation is the answer-rich men and women who can afford to throw money to inept organisations.


Bus Fuss With London Underground

TTG has proof that machine matters more than man and that you can get fined for paying your fare. TTG was more than just blue faced when she encountered a ticket inspector who said she hadn't paid her fine, when she had indeed squished through the unclean, drunk masses and placed her tatty oyster card on the reader. But unfortunately it hadn't worked.
Led off the bus like a toothy-grinned criminal, TTG pleaded her innocence but to no avail. (Note for next time - wear a shorter skirt) She handed over £20 of her cash to settle a fine not merited. It was that or face standing up in court, at vast expense, and face costs into the £1000 mark.
£20 will do nicely. Buy yourself something nice, London Transport with my money, won't ya?


What's Up Copycat?

All TTG wants to say on the matter of Clinton's sabotage campaign against Obama, is that even if he had nicked all his speeches from someone else, at least he has a brain, can pronounce his name soundly enough and can inspire the populace. More say, than Mrs Lint-on & Bushy.

Read more here.