UKIP, UKIP, hooray! Why the Tories are the real losers in Barnsley

Heard of you snooze, you lose? Well you kip, you slip ... in the polls. Poor punnage, TTG knows, but the point is clear - the Conservatives are the real losers in Barnsley.

The Conservatives saw their support tumble as UKIP snatched second place. They weren't even close - UKIP stood at 12 per cent, the Tories at 8 per cent. Many may claim that the Tories' fall was down to DC's disappearing act and his failure to publicy endorse Hockney in the last leg of the by-election showdown, but this is sadly not the case.
The Tories, who just two years prior had been sailing on 17 per cent, fell on their sword this week. For voters, the ballot paper might as well list two boxes: Lib/Lab/Con and none of the above. There is no choice. Do you vote for more of the same (better the devil you know), or spoil your ballot paper? Centralisation teamed with media-happy, watch-what-you-say and soundbite rhetoric has left us with an army of walking, talking, smiling political humanoids whom have no concept of reality, real struggles or life.

The Conservatives lost in an election they really should be winning. Granted it may be a Labour hotbed and one of their so-called safe seats but they could have capitalised on the ills of the right unhonourable Eric Illsley, the disgraced MP now housed in prison for his work in his constituency. Voting share should have gone up but instead it dwindled to a party that has seen better days. What does that tell you? It's more than just bashing over cuts too close to the bone. It's a voter mutiny, crying out for us to stand up to Europe and their bent bananarama, human rights for animals laws. This is not just a by-election in Labour heartland, it is a a by-election that could cost the Conservatives (when they do it their way in the not so distant future) dearly at the next General.

The Lib Dems whether they opted to snuggle up to Labour or us would have always been the losers in the various tournaments in the political tug of war. It's far too easy to pin the tail on the Lib Dem donkeys for the ills of the Coalition. Namby pampy pot-planting Liberal types resent the Democrats' path to power and their to-ing and fro-ing of policy (i.e student fees), and angry ex Labour voters don't want to admit that they voted for this. Lib Dems are losers - sorry, but it's a fact. Just look at their by-election records. Nothing to write home about.

The lesson the Tories must take from this is that we will get stick as the Guvnors and we will feel this at polls to come. But the impact of these will be less if we get our house in order. We must stick to our pledges - no more 'we can't because of ECHR/EU/*insert applicable get-out-clause laws-here' excuses. A promise is a promise. You must keep your word. Labour failed in their promises -we must make sure that we don't do the same.


Cameron, the Barnsley people have spoken. It's time you listened.

A Conservative guide to naming your baby

Today in little Truro, Cameron the Younger was born, a bonnie bouncing girl. As our power duo, Sam Cam and DC recover from the wonder of birth, TTG has got the name-calling down to a T.

Here's her guide for David and Sam on what to call their daughter without making any political faux-pas with the backbenchers.

In

• Beryl - Now this is up your street, Dave. Going Greek won't just boost our position in Europe but you can't go wrong with a name which means blue-green. Befitting of our logo - a keeper.
• Victoria - For Christ's sake, it even has 'Tori' in the title, it's a name that once belonged to a monarch and it's V for Victory. An all-rounder.
• Michaela - Honour your predecessor leader Michael Howard with this female form of his name
• Clementine - It was good enough for Winston, it's good enough for you.
• Margaret - A risky one. But a fantastic way to honour our Lady
• Nicole - Celebrate the Coalition union with this

Out

• Harriet - means estate. Also a name of a hysterical Labour harpy
• Yvette - Other name half of Ed Balls. Don't balls up her future with that juxtaposition
• Scarlet - red alert. Now we don't want anything that colour now!
• Anita - its meaning gives all the wrong connotations. Grace and favour flats come to mind.
• Halle - While the gorgeous Halle Berry has no problems with her name, it means home rule. Not something which has done us Tories terribly well.
• Jessy - A wealthy name. Expect outcries for a ban on her name.
• Barbara - Foreign. Forget the Sun vote if you pick this.
• Truro - (is that even a girls name?) - Don't do a Beckham, it just isn't classy
• Millie - the name of a party on its last legs.

Got a name for the Camerons? Add yours below

The floater voter's guide to good government

Not made up your mind yet for this May 6th? Unsure whether to stick with the Devil you know, the Labour party? Rooting for the new and recently improved (as of last Thursday) Lib Dems? Want a bit of RESPECT in your life and a regular bus service to ferry George Galloway and co around with loudspeakers? Or is bigotism the dish of the day in your household with the BNP? Considering a vote for bush with the Greens? Or a crack at the indie record with UKIP?

So many parties, so little time! With just over a week 'til you cast your eye over the hundreds of leaflets pouring from your letterbox, it's no easy feat trying to make your mind up while you hold back the canvassers counting on your vote.

So TTG will make it easy for you. Here's the best policies of the lot.



Businesses

• Want to Work For Yourself but worried about being crippled by tax costs? This party pledges to Cut Corporation Tax rates; the main rate from 28p to 25p and the small companies' rate from 22p to 20p.
  
• All new businesses won't have to pay Employers' National Insurance either in their first year.
  

Community

• Moving from the big state, to the big society

• Ability to come together to address local issues if your local council isn't doing its job e.g. including enabling parents to open new schools, letting neighbours take over local amenities like parks and libraries that are under threat, giving the public greater control of the planning system, and enabling residents to hold the police to account in neighbourhood beat meetings

• 16 year olds can sign up to a volunteer programme to pick up skills, meet people and improve their communities

• Additional English classes so language is no longer a barrier in society; teach our children the history of this nation and celebrate St George

Cleaning up politics

• Reform our system by reducing number of MPs

• the right to recall misbehaving members and sorting out any differences over boundaries and constituency sizes

• Cap on donations to all parties to put sleaze to bed; also new rules on lobbying

• English MPs will have right to vote on English issues

• Want a bill put through for consideration? This party will allow you to submit legislation and referenda requests

• Council tax too high? Veto any excessive rises with this party

• Councillors will have to reveal all their spending and contracts online
  

Climate change

• Making it easy to go green with over £6k for each household for energy improvements

• Keeping a check that we have plenty of supplies of electric and water so government can cope in a national crisis

• Cut Government's carbon footprint by 10 per cent within just one year. On your bike, MPs!

• Communities who run on renewable energy will be rewarded greatly by keeping their business rates they generate for six years.
  

• Creation of cleaner nuclear power stations

Crime

• No more red tape; fewer forms to fill out and more bobbies on the beat to fight crime just as they were trained to.

Culture, media and sport

• An independent BBC -yes, really!
  

• Scrap of the 'phone tax'

• Superfast broadband nationwide by 2017 - silver surfers to be on the rise

• Olympics to inspire a nationwide competition in schools to encourage kids into sport

Defence

• Our Boys serving in Afghanistan will receive bigger bonuses

• Give serving soldiers the right to vote

• Defence reviews to make sure your money is being spent in the right places and is used effectively

Economy

• Stop the planned National Insurance rate increase for everyone earning under £35k
  

• Begin work of tackling our deficit and not by brushing it under the carpet.
  

• 9 out of 10 first time buyers will not have to pay Stamp Duty

• Inheritance Tax only for millionaires

• Marriage will be recognised in the tax system

• Crackdown on bankers' bonuses

Environment

• Prepare Britain properly to face floods with better defences and only necessary building in flood-prone areas

• Maintaining green belts and the introduction of nationwide tree planting

Europe

• Maintaining of membership of the EU; working with European countries to face global poverty and global warming
• A UK Sovereignty Bill to keep our authority over United Kingdom's laws of the land
  

Family

• Recognise civil partnerships and marriage in the tax system

• Flexible parental leave so men can be stay-at-home daddies
  

• Support pensioners by protecting things like the winter fuel payment, free bus passes and free TV licences
• Free nursery care for pre-school children

• Greater access rights for the extended family and grandparents
  

Farming

• Shoppers will know if they're buying British with better labelling

• Farmers will get a fairer deal with the selection of an independent supermarket ombudsman to ensure fair competition for consumers and farmers

• Serve up farmers' food in our schools and hospitals.

Health

• Increase spending on the NHS every year

• Give patients the right to choose their doctor or hospital

• Free dental checks for five year olds and more people to have an NHS dentist

• People first, not targets; Ensure best new drugs are free on the NHS where possible

Housing

• Abolish HIPs which make selling homes more difficult

• More part-own schemes to make it cheaper to go on the housing ladder

• Right to Move schemes to allow tenants in social housing to exchange homes in other areas

• Building of more family homes with gardens and parking
  

Immigration

• An annual cap on workers coming overseas (outside EU) with needed skills jumping in front of the queue

• Border police to actually POLICE our borders and keep a check on who comes in and out

• English test for people coming in to this country from outside the EU
  

Jobs

• 200,000 apprenticeships for teens to kickstart their careers

• Allow unemployed young people to go on the Work Programme to help them find work after just six months

• Mentors to help people volunteer and loans for would-be entrepreneurs to start a business

• Anyone who is offered a job that they can do and refuses it will have their benefits cut

Justice

• Prisoners will have to earn their release through education and rehabilitation

• Scrap ID cards

• DNA doesn't belong to government and this party plans to only store DNA belonging to offenders

• No early release - Increase prison spaces instead
  

Pensioners

• Home protection scheme to stop older people being forced to sell their homes to fit the bill for residential care

• Two year council tax freeze

Schools

• Discipline to return to the classroom; head teachers can search pupils, give them detention and exclude unruly pupils

• Teachers will have to get top grades to train
  

• Creation of independently run schools by local communities, faith groups and charities

Universities

• A bonus for paying back student loan early

• 10,000 extra places at university

• extra 100,000 college places
  

• Community Learning Fund to help adults in new careers

Did you agree with any or most of the policies* above?

If so, congratulations, you share the same ideas to get this country moving in the right direction. Voting Conservative would be the best option for you if you want any of the above as they are all Tory ideas.

Conservatives: A deal too good to miss

* The policies above all feature on the Conservatives 'What we stand for' page This is not an extensive list but just TTG's fave and all-rounded policies which can and will work for you.

The Laboural Democrats offer as much change as a 99p store. Get more for your money with a Tory government

There's a reason why there's a smile on Gordon's face lately - Nick Clegg put it there.

His polished performance and promises of change (excerpt from St David Cameron's gospel) have gone down well with the public and Brown couldn't be happier.

Brown wants Britain to be hung, drawn and quartered. For him, he can at last have a scapegoat of his very own to pass the parcel of responsilibity on to when the riverbanks burst or birds get a cold. Bringing in the very best of the shadows of the shadows ad lib would also give him the chance to oust his rivals like the Milibros. Also with a boost for Clegg, there will be more recruits to their Lib-Lab harem. A strong, cross-party fortification to keep the Tories out of their House. And to keep common sense away from waging power in the country. United, Labour's ally, the Lib Dems, can help to push the Tories firmly back into the Opposition ditches.

For years, Lib Dems and Labour have coincided peacefully in their respective habitats - sharing their votes to stop the Tories from getting a piece. TTG's mum bore witness to their tactics when a rosy-dozy canvasser came to her door. 'Can I count on your vote'? 'Certainly not!'
'Will you be voting for the Liberal Democrats because that is a vote for us too'. Evidently with the bright brain TTG's mam has on her shoulders, she caused the woman to shriek as she revealed her penchant for the Tory way of doing things. She never did come back to the TTG household. This story, however small, shows that this brotherhood is right at the roots of these two parties who stick together through thick and thin. They are essentially joined at the hip - their policies are one. The Father, the Son and the Liberal spirit. That's Labour's liturgy.

Publicly, they are at odds but behind closed doors, the two are all in this together to keep one or both in power in a pact to keep the Tories out. They probably don't chill with a beer to watch the game together or go out on the tiles to boogie on a Saturday night. They're aquaintances.
The two parties are staffed with similar political species. Hypocrisy and envy pump through their veins while their heads are filled with a socialist utopia ideal and dreams where reality never darkens their presence. They both believe a money tree really exists (China, you say?) and that handing over British passports like shop loyalty cards can only be a good thing.


There is no change with a party who works with Labour. The Conservatives have CHANGED, for good. It's no ploy, or PR stunt. We are progressive and have responded to the desperate cries of a public calling for something other than what we've got now.


If you want something different, different politics, different approach, different values, beliefs and creeds, then look no further than the Conservatives.


Vote for the Conservatives and you're voting for that change.

Terrible Tory Girl @conference

TTG is off to the sunny (hopefully!) shores on Brighton this weekend with a Spring in her step.

This proves to be a weekend not to miss in the run-up to election and the last conference before G-Day.

For a chance to catch up for coffee and meet her in the flesh, get in touch on facebook.

Don't worry, TTG shall not be advertising viagra or any of the kind! ;)

BLUE IS THE COLOUR, TORY IS THE NAME

We Are the Conservatives

TTG has finally pulled herself away from a week of shovelling chocolate and festive meat leftovers to present you with this solemn resolution.

Whatever the cost may be, TTG declares her resolution for 2009 to fight Labour til the death, til the Conservatives take their rightful place in Number 10 and in the Government.

TTG's not for turning.

To celebrate the coming of the new year, a time when we must take up our oratory arms and attack the Government from all sides, TTG has devised this anthem for all her Blue friends, known and unknown, to praise the Party.

To the tune of Queen's 'We Are the Champions, here's Terrible Tory Girl's Tory Glory anthem, 'We Are the Conservatives'.




I've picked the Blues
Time after time
For harsher sentence
And commitment to crime
For Britain's sake,
we always knew,
that in their hands, the UK will be ace -
You should vote Blue


We are the Conservatives - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till we mend
We are the Conservatives-
We are the Conservatives
No time for Labour
'Cause we are the Saviours - of the world.


We've taken our vows
And our election falls -
We brought you Winnie, Maggie, John Major and a tax remit -
Still standing tall -

But it's been no bed of roses
For valiant blues
The Government must go, it's time to put the Reds in bottom place -
It's the time of the Blues


We are the Conservatives - my friends
And we'll keep on fighting - till we mend
We are the Conservatives-
We are the Conservatives
No time for Labour
'Cause we are the Saviours - of the world.

Fight Club at the Commons

Doing the cyber milk rounds this week is the Tories ' blue tongue in cheek response to the bust up between Cabinet ex chums, small Balls and lost-his-Straw. Apparently ole Jack-in-the-money box did not appreciate a dose of public humiliation and threatened to punch the human slimeBall - a concept the public and TTG understand well particularly after his 'so what/so mean' Commons slur cover-up where the Kids minister threw his dummy out of his parliament pram and insisted on fiddling Hansard's records.

Since then, gally Bally has appeared on such swings like this one.

While the tabloids pounced with killer headline such as 'it’s Straw v Balls in ‘bust-up’ (Sun), 'Hard-hitting Balls?' (Guardian) and 'Balls. Any price' (TTG), the Tories took the story a little further by making an online game to perform banana stunts and lunges at Balls, or even his own pair.

Have a go on the punchball here.


TTG, while relishing the opportunity to punch the Labour lad square where the sun don't shine, feels it twas a shame that Straw did not draw the short one and do the public a favour by wiping that smarmy smile off his nauseating face.
As the Express said only yesterday, it would be a popular policy and one TTG would happily endorse, even if the thuggery is just representative comportement of those terrible tax leeches


What a Balls-up.

Only in a Labour Government, eh?

Spews On The News - March 1-3

Terrible Tory Girl Will Do Anything For Peace. Please comrades, rise against this tyrannical invention from the pits of hell - the French Horn. Not only is it named after the French fries but it produces a sound no better than spitting through a cardboard tube. Now that's what TTG calls a racket.

Losing Lie Religion

With Rowan putting his anointed feet into yet another hellish debacle of “intellect”, and apparently popping up nude in a photo of Sienna Miller according to the Sun, TTG feels age has finally caught up with the Welshman. Either that or a crisis of faith is next on the cards, St. Mark TTG’s words, if the Songs of Praise bible basher could see the light and not see Jesus, the Holy Ghost and God in it, then it’s not going to be a trial for this supposed Christian.

TTG can just imagine Rowan on knees in prayer singing REM’s classic ‘Losing My Religion’ by REM.

Watch for yourself here.


Dirty Harry : Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

The wuggle soldier, the poster-pin -up figure behind such 12 paged hero supplements in the Express and Sun, apparently is fighting the folk to stay kooked up in Afghanistan despite that the unveiling of the prince in the country has upped up Taliban efforts. (The Taliban, despite common belief, do have access to the net.)

Typical of the tabloids, the Sun relished the expose of the royal reggie, revealing his secret code name, his death count and pictures of his homebase. Responsible? Hardly.

Harry back to England. All's not lost, especially your life.

Blue Can Get It If You Really Want

Partial or non, the new Conservative campaign from the blue brightsparks at HQ is worth a look. Featuring vocals of The Jimmy Cliff, You Can Get [A Competent Government] If You Really Want - Try Try Try [Tory]. (Only £1 to be a Conservative chum!)

Campaign

Facebook link

Make My Dreams Come True (Axe Brown)

MacFrown, to counter claims of gregarious garbage gimmickism, has donned a Santa suit and urged Britons to "make the Britain of our dreams". Only minutes after the story broke on Telegraph, readers remarked of how we've already achieved a Britain of our nightmares.

Let's get writing to Ole Banter - pens at the ready, what would your dream Britain be?

Here's one I did earlier:

Dear MacFrown,

For this parliamentary session, could Banter please get me the following as TTG has not been so terrible so far this year.

1) A new premier
2) A new cabinet - one preferably with experience and expertise.
3) Brains for the Labour reps - they might then realise that the Labour Party is more of a joke than April Fools
4) A referendum (no amount of cover up on the EU protest last week, will stop us wanting a referendum, Banter)
5) Devolution to England? (Or is that asking too much? ;) )

Thanks,

Miss Terrible Tory Girl.


Oink! MPs In Money-For-Attendance Row

Apparently MPs aren't satisfied with their current trough rates and are now calling for money to turn up to the house on top of expenses and wage. TTG is not impressed in the slightest -why couldn't she be paid to get up at ungodly hours for class?

Everybody, it's not Christmaassssssssssss!

Mourning the death of Christmas and the magic she brought to children across the world, there follows a news broadcast by the Terrible Tory Girl. Stay tuned.

Good God: Christmas found dead

The spirit of Christians’ most celebrated holiday has been savagely ripped apart, entrails and all, TTG can reveal.

The true meaning of Christmas was discovered in the early hours of December 25 dead as a doornail, overshadowed by the hand of commercialism.

It is widely believed that the spirit took its life following the Arch Greenpeace disciple’s climate message, appalling television and incessant reruns of buy-me-quick ads.

TTG found the spirit’s battered body after helping "Santa" deliver his gifts.

TTG was too shocked/too full of festive food/ too incensed into the monetary message (delete applicable) to comment.

A Conservative Carol

In the run-up to the opening of the last of the advent calendar doors, a revelation came sprinting to the terrible Tory – that her years of tory-related troublemaking have met their maker according to a political poll.

This year’s terrible tat came in the form of an online compass outing her as a no-good leftie better suited in the Cheka than the Commons.

Here boys and girls TTG tells the tale in her new book, A Conservative Carol (not based on the similarly named A Christmas Carol) of the crisis of faith in her chosen leader.

Blurb of the book:

Emma-Louise Stooge is a disillusioned, self-orientated ex supporter of the Conservative party.

Miss Stooge has lost her once furvent spirit for the party faction’s leader Cameron and faces a future of debauchery, treachery and employment in Labour ranks.

On one fateful night, the ghosts of parliament past, present and future, pay Miss Stooge a visit to tell her that if she doesn’t change her ways or donate x amount to the party, her contempt for the Conservative candidate will eventually lead her to batting for the left side. Featuring cameo appearances from all your favourite Tories of the past.

Here to celebrate the release of the book ‘ A Conservative Carol’ is some extracts taken from Chapters 79-90.

Extract

‘As the Conservative ghost of future led her to a box-shaped chamber, TTG saw her alter/older self, sipping costly champagne and ornating the Commerical Christ’s feet with her auburn hair.

In the back of the room, red rosettes glistened and the graffited pictures of Conservative prime ministers served on the open fire.

"But ghost of Conservative future, this can’t be true! I could never tear away my traditional roots and plant myself firmly in the enemy’s patch."

"My dear stooge, I came from humblest origins, working for my father in his corner shop…."

Stooge interrupted sharply. "I don’t see how your origins relate in my tale, do you?"

The Ghost of Future pursed and scrunched her lips to a parallel pout as she opened her handbag and peered inside.

Handing a wallet-sized card, she said: "Here dear Stooge is what becomes of the broken hearted and conviction-less. You are reduced to a membership card of the dreaded and dreary Labour party. Even the miners weren’t this difficult!"

The Ghost breathed through a sneer and added as they looked on at the scene of men and women pocketing shares of the nation’s notes.

"If you have any hope of being saved from this site of sin, you must jolly well entrust your support in our candidate Davey!"

Emma Louise stooge exhaled a sorry sigh as she turned to find the ghost of future had run off into the night.

With head and shoulders lowered in a terrible sulk, Miss Stooge returned to her bed chamber with a right notion implanted firmly in her mind…’

Who Framed Policy-Dodger Rabbit?

The latest political buster to hit the newsstands:

The Mace Company (Conservative Party) has crumbled in the public company polls with both left and right fingers pointing at leader Policy-Dodger rabbit (Cameron) as the culprit for the organisation’s demise.

Policy-Dodger Rabbit, who has hired the likes of Goldsmith to push through controversial climate-celebrity-friendly policies into the ranks of the company, faces further cracks in his credibility, stabs in the back from his collaborator colleagues and worse, suspension in favour of wee Willie.

Policy-Dodger rabbit, who according to the Telegraph has pulled too many bunnies out of the hat, is due to be sentenced for his crimes of knocking the company to kingdom come with his unpopular green toffee-apple nosed views – Views that are not taken too kindly by the knife wielders and rifle-rad grassroots of the company.

“Sinister, power-hungry” Judge Broon has reportedly raised his prudent iron fist in exultation at the news.

Meanwhile, the Loon Patrol – underlings of the judge and weasel deserters - under close watch of Judge Broon, have been busy putting section two of a ‘one-company state’ into practice.

Section two, which sees the return of spin and style set office politics including the allegiance of all media platforms to the judge, has been happily accepted by both the Worcester women and the Joe Bloggs’ of the town.

A General Meeting in October may now be in Judge Broon’s card hand.

As Policy-Dodger rabbit picks up the pieces of his once high-flying career, model wife, Samantha Rabbit , has turned her attention to the platinum attributes of one Gwen Stefani.

It is believed by the residents of Broon Town that Policy-Dodger Rabbit allowed the company to sink after discovering Samantha’s new love.

We want to hear your views.

Who framed Policy-Dodger rabbit? Submit your conspiracy theories and liable statements here.