Terrible Tory Girl is back from her apathetic pause to bring a special song written with love for Sir Ian Blair.
The Terrible Tory's piece, inspired by Cher, to send the Met Commissioner on his way.
The Dupe Song: (It's In His Name)
Can I trust him I want to know,
How can I tell if he’s meant to go,
(it’s in his lies)
Oh no look up his sleeve
(it’s in his lies)
Oh no he won’t stop to thieve
If you wanna know if he’s meant to go, it’s in his name,
(That’s where he’s shamed)
Is it in HQ base,
Oh no, they’re in the grip of his palm
In the Menezes disgrace
Oh no, that’s just his smarm
If you wanna know if you can trust him so, it’s in his name,
(That’s where he’s shamed)
No, no oh, snub him,
Lug him outta sight,
To find out whether he should go.
If it’s trust, or his ability, it’s there in his name,
No, no, it’s in his shame.
How about his changing the facts,
Oh no, that was an intended slay
That Brazil nut shouldn’t have crossed his way
If you wanna know if he’s gotta go, it’s in his name.
That’s where he’s shamed.
No, No, No, review him,
Check his wite,
Empty his pockets for stolen dough,
If it’s trust or really blame, it’s there in his name.
(How about his changing the facts),
Oh no, that was an intended slay
That Brazil nut shouldn’t have crossed his way
If you wanna know if he’s gotta go, it’s in his name.
That’s where he’s shamed.
Oh it’s in his name,
(That’s where he’s shamed)
He’s just the same
(That’s where he’s shamed)
with his namesake’s shame
(That’s where he’s shamed)
With notorious fame
(That’s where he’s shamed)
Go, it’s in his name,
Go, it’s in his name,
Oh it’s in his name.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Spews On The News - November 13/14 -Apathetical Special
Spews On The News – November 13/14
Obsessive Self-Importance Disorder (OSID)
Please bidding and incumbent PMs, could you stop dropping those awful presidentialisms in your speeches! Does’ primes ab ores’ mean anything to you? Yes, I am talking to you Broon. You are the representative of the cabinet, first among equals. Or is there something you are not sharing, eh? Use ‘we’ rather than ‘I’ in speeches on foreign policy or the like.
It’s neither big nor clever to follow in the unprecarious footsteps of the Yanks.
Jon Taunts Muhammad Bari For Controversial Jew Jibes
Terrible Tory Girl is taking a brief pause from her apathetical set of views to salute Sun columnist Jon Gaunt.
The Terrible Tory is quite the fan of no-bars journalism particularly on the Muslim leader, Muhammad Bari, who, hours before Remembrance Day, audaciously claimed Muslims in this country are treated akin to the Jews in the Nazi years.
My boy, Bari, if you bothered to turn on the history channel and see the criminal carnage caused by Hitler’s own hands, you may just spot that the followers of Islam have not yet been gassed or persecuted by a vicious regime intent on wiping God’s chosen people off the map.
Verify your facts before you unleash such obscenities into the public eye of a country who has made you welcome. Be grateful for what you are given and may Allah purge such despicable quips from your mind in future.
Send In The Bears
Dom Joly, if you’re listening, I’d like to stand as a Miss Bushy Bear in the Teddy Bear Alliance. You are one of the few parties, us suffragettes, can take seriously with the joker packs with which we are faced.
Obsessive Self-Importance Disorder (OSID)
Please bidding and incumbent PMs, could you stop dropping those awful presidentialisms in your speeches! Does’ primes ab ores’ mean anything to you? Yes, I am talking to you Broon. You are the representative of the cabinet, first among equals. Or is there something you are not sharing, eh? Use ‘we’ rather than ‘I’ in speeches on foreign policy or the like.
It’s neither big nor clever to follow in the unprecarious footsteps of the Yanks.
Jon Taunts Muhammad Bari For Controversial Jew Jibes
Terrible Tory Girl is taking a brief pause from her apathetical set of views to salute Sun columnist Jon Gaunt.
The Terrible Tory is quite the fan of no-bars journalism particularly on the Muslim leader, Muhammad Bari, who, hours before Remembrance Day, audaciously claimed Muslims in this country are treated akin to the Jews in the Nazi years.
My boy, Bari, if you bothered to turn on the history channel and see the criminal carnage caused by Hitler’s own hands, you may just spot that the followers of Islam have not yet been gassed or persecuted by a vicious regime intent on wiping God’s chosen people off the map.
Verify your facts before you unleash such obscenities into the public eye of a country who has made you welcome. Be grateful for what you are given and may Allah purge such despicable quips from your mind in future.
Send In The Bears
Dom Joly, if you’re listening, I’d like to stand as a Miss Bushy Bear in the Teddy Bear Alliance. You are one of the few parties, us suffragettes, can take seriously with the joker packs with which we are faced.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Spews On The News 10/11
Terrible Tory Girl is b-b-bitter to the bone. Not only has the Rocking Batman called off sick with a cyst, the size of one of his belter chartbusters but the media biz' whizzes of this world find it highly necessary to incinerate my few and far between brain cells by my writing of a 'reflective journal.'
And there was Terrible Tory Girl, under the impression, that she was enrolled in journalism, not a cheap knock-off of the real deal.
The con is on at Shitty, apparement.
On to the news.....
(Apologies in advance for inappropriate, ire-induced rhetoric roar but abstinence proves futile.)
1) Poppy Goes The Weasel - http://www.liverpooldailypost.co.uk/liverpool-news/regional-news/2007/11/10/wartime-bomber-to-release-poppy-tribute-at-remembrance-service-64375-20088618/
Poppies have found themselves pinned to the printing press this week, with typical tales of tin thiefs both here and across the Atlantic in Canada and McCrae's flower icon pasted on the pages.
But to the further delight of the Terrible Tory Girl, the PC loonies haven't come out to play. Pins to pin the popular poppies on lapels have not been banned on grounds of 'elf and safety (as Littlejohn would say) and presenters and public eye personnel have been spared the 'bias' lecture.
Tomorrow, Liverpool will be alit with poppies. A veteran WW2 bomber will drop 300,000 poppy petals onto the crowds as they remember our war heroes.
Hardly news to placate the politically correct.
One anti-poppy protester, who refused to be identified said:*
"This is absolutely ludicrous! Those falling poppies are an accident waiting to happen. Those paper petals could fall into the path of an onlooker's eye and/or in the event of a brewing storm, could drive into the sides of a member of public and cause a pretty nasty case of papercuts. And from a papercut, comes reasonable grounds to sue."
He/she/it added: " And where's our green credentials in all of this pro-war business? Think of the carnage to our streets, littered with red paper, which incidentally, is discriminatory against the rest of the rainbow's colours. With the disposal costs, running into the thousands, we ought not even bother celebrate it at all. Why not an all-colour celebration day instead? Far cleaner, far wimpier and far more to the nature of the absurd activist weasals. Another good job done. "
* Not a real person but quite an accurate view point held by many of Britain's barmy absurd activists.
2) Fly Me To The Huhne
As the Dribberals heat up to axe their Cable to play pick a mix between Nick Clegg and Chris Huhne, Terrible Tory Girl has uncovered that the third way is not all it seems.
The Liberal Democrats, the party of rebel votes, the party shunned by BBC broadcasts, the party trailing behind at 12 per cent, do not offer anything new to the politician eat politican world.
The terrible two candidates, who shall go head to head for the frankly forgotten party crown, have been identified as Menziestein's monsters.
The two who have spent their early lifes skulking in newspaper offices were made in the image of the big political rivals, Gordon Brown and David Cameron before Ming died politically.
Chris Huhne, with a name to match Broon, is an uncanny match to the PM. A former member of the Labour party, the 53-year old, Huhne, like Brown, has a history of economic interest, working for the Independent and Guardian on their finance pages and for proposals for income and green taxes. He too, while as an MEP, has been accused of swindling cash. Chris Huhne, a mere three years younger than his Labour counterpart, is strangely similiar in appearance too.
Huhne, in an interview with epolitix journalists, said he admired Brown's decision to go ahead with the independence of the Bank of England and didn't rule out a spot of party coalition.
"If other parties want to talk about partnership politics, about going into a longer term relationship, then they have to be on the wavelength that allows that to happen.
If you look at every other country in Europe bar none you find that you do have partnership politics because of election systems that are fairer, where every vote counts."
On the same difference scale, Terrible Tory Girl gives Huhne 7/10
Next up of Menzies' Monsters is Nick Clegg, another young hack and political newbie, with election to Commons only two years earlier. Media mogul, dashing and a former adviser to Conservative commissioner Lord Brittan in Brussells, Clegg is considered to be on the right of the party and has already had stark comparisons with the Tory leader, Cameron.
Like Cameron, he abhors ID cards and has distant connections with royalty - for Clegg, it's in imperial Russia.
Clegg told epolitix, in the tongue of Cameron:
"It requires the ability to speak like a human being not a Westminster politician, reach out to voters by starting where people are rather than where we want them to be or think they might be...Frankly, to start playing Westminster footsie with one party or another now is something the electorate would not like and I'm not going to do it."
Clegg gets an 8/10 and the public get yet again less choice in mainstream politics.
3) Queenie, the musical
As the 11 little Labour ducks go dimming in one Queen's Speech, Queenie breaks out in her name counterpart rockfit's verse.
Members, one just reeled a lie,
Put forth this sorry speech,
Lulled ones’ voters to political preach.
Members, one said there’d be homes
But now one’s conscience comes to play.
Members, consuls…
One didn’t want quotas for co2...
If one’s not back from Uganda tomorrow,
Bury one, bury one and rule as if the public do not matter .
Too late, the laws are passed,
teens will have to stay at school
high pensions fitted by you all
goodbye, public freedoms, they have to go
To drive away the bombers and nuclear.
Members, consuls.
One doesn’t want them too
One sometimes wishes we’d never met the EU at all
Next year's song of choice?
'One wants to break politically'
And there was Terrible Tory Girl, under the impression, that she was enrolled in journalism, not a cheap knock-off of the real deal.
The con is on at Shitty, apparement.
On to the news.....
(Apologies in advance for inappropriate, ire-induced rhetoric roar but abstinence proves futile.)
1) Poppy Goes The Weasel - http://www.liverpooldailypost.co.uk/liverpool-news/regional-news/2007/11/10/wartime-bomber-to-release-poppy-tribute-at-remembrance-service-64375-20088618/
Poppies have found themselves pinned to the printing press this week, with typical tales of tin thiefs both here and across the Atlantic in Canada and McCrae's flower icon pasted on the pages.
But to the further delight of the Terrible Tory Girl, the PC loonies haven't come out to play. Pins to pin the popular poppies on lapels have not been banned on grounds of 'elf and safety (as Littlejohn would say) and presenters and public eye personnel have been spared the 'bias' lecture.
Tomorrow, Liverpool will be alit with poppies. A veteran WW2 bomber will drop 300,000 poppy petals onto the crowds as they remember our war heroes.
Hardly news to placate the politically correct.
One anti-poppy protester, who refused to be identified said:*
"This is absolutely ludicrous! Those falling poppies are an accident waiting to happen. Those paper petals could fall into the path of an onlooker's eye and/or in the event of a brewing storm, could drive into the sides of a member of public and cause a pretty nasty case of papercuts. And from a papercut, comes reasonable grounds to sue."
He/she/it added: " And where's our green credentials in all of this pro-war business? Think of the carnage to our streets, littered with red paper, which incidentally, is discriminatory against the rest of the rainbow's colours. With the disposal costs, running into the thousands, we ought not even bother celebrate it at all. Why not an all-colour celebration day instead? Far cleaner, far wimpier and far more to the nature of the absurd activist weasals. Another good job done. "
* Not a real person but quite an accurate view point held by many of Britain's barmy absurd activists.
2) Fly Me To The Huhne
As the Dribberals heat up to axe their Cable to play pick a mix between Nick Clegg and Chris Huhne, Terrible Tory Girl has uncovered that the third way is not all it seems.
The Liberal Democrats, the party of rebel votes, the party shunned by BBC broadcasts, the party trailing behind at 12 per cent, do not offer anything new to the politician eat politican world.
The terrible two candidates, who shall go head to head for the frankly forgotten party crown, have been identified as Menziestein's monsters.
The two who have spent their early lifes skulking in newspaper offices were made in the image of the big political rivals, Gordon Brown and David Cameron before Ming died politically.
Chris Huhne, with a name to match Broon, is an uncanny match to the PM. A former member of the Labour party, the 53-year old, Huhne, like Brown, has a history of economic interest, working for the Independent and Guardian on their finance pages and for proposals for income and green taxes. He too, while as an MEP, has been accused of swindling cash. Chris Huhne, a mere three years younger than his Labour counterpart, is strangely similiar in appearance too.
Huhne, in an interview with epolitix journalists, said he admired Brown's decision to go ahead with the independence of the Bank of England and didn't rule out a spot of party coalition.
"If other parties want to talk about partnership politics, about going into a longer term relationship, then they have to be on the wavelength that allows that to happen.
If you look at every other country in Europe bar none you find that you do have partnership politics because of election systems that are fairer, where every vote counts."
On the same difference scale, Terrible Tory Girl gives Huhne 7/10
Next up of Menzies' Monsters is Nick Clegg, another young hack and political newbie, with election to Commons only two years earlier. Media mogul, dashing and a former adviser to Conservative commissioner Lord Brittan in Brussells, Clegg is considered to be on the right of the party and has already had stark comparisons with the Tory leader, Cameron.
Like Cameron, he abhors ID cards and has distant connections with royalty - for Clegg, it's in imperial Russia.
Clegg told epolitix, in the tongue of Cameron:
"It requires the ability to speak like a human being not a Westminster politician, reach out to voters by starting where people are rather than where we want them to be or think they might be...Frankly, to start playing Westminster footsie with one party or another now is something the electorate would not like and I'm not going to do it."
Clegg gets an 8/10 and the public get yet again less choice in mainstream politics.
3) Queenie, the musical
As the 11 little Labour ducks go dimming in one Queen's Speech, Queenie breaks out in her name counterpart rockfit's verse.
Members, one just reeled a lie,
Put forth this sorry speech,
Lulled ones’ voters to political preach.
Members, one said there’d be homes
But now one’s conscience comes to play.
Members, consuls…
One didn’t want quotas for co2...
If one’s not back from Uganda tomorrow,
Bury one, bury one and rule as if the public do not matter .
Too late, the laws are passed,
teens will have to stay at school
high pensions fitted by you all
goodbye, public freedoms, they have to go
To drive away the bombers and nuclear.
Members, consuls.
One doesn’t want them too
One sometimes wishes we’d never met the EU at all
Next year's song of choice?
'One wants to break politically'
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Spews On The News -November 3/4
Welcome to today's Spews On the News with Terrible Tory Girl, who joins the broadcast a little Meat obsessed.
1) Meat: Back From Hell - (Apologies for the terrible song puns)
Like a top singer, he comes crawling on back to view. Meat Loaf, who can count his decades of service to the world of rock n' roll on his hand, has starred in a who-dunnit mystery this week after he announced his retirement in-gig, thanked his fans and like a Bat Out Of Hell was gone, gone, gone.
His promoters quickly dismissed the outbursts saying an encore would still be on the cards for fans in next touring spot, Birmingham. With that cancelled, days later, the future wasn't what it used to be for the all-American chanteur.
But the Loaf did not take this lying down. Despite doctors diagnosing exhaustion and Laryngitis, the singer has refused to postpone the next leg of his tour.
Meatie is Alive and ready to Seize the Night at Wembley, November 6, and Terrible Tory Girl will be there to root him on, at last!
2) Alex Salmon And His Fishy Independence Tales
Terrible Tory Girl has the Sunday Express' David Parsley to thank for today's Scot story.
In a bid to educate us on West Lothian Question (funnily enough, Mr Salmon was born and breaded in West Lothian) where Scots have superiority in all things politics, Mr Parsley tells us,“Let’s back their independence so we needn’t subsidise them."
To make his case, Parsley has lent his green hands and wallet to the SNP, donating one pound a month to help First Salmon achieve his aims of slicing the Highlands apart from England.
Here is a peek at Salmon's reasons to swim out of the union: (Taken from snp.org)
"The 300-year old Union is no longer fit for purpose. It was never designed for the 21st century world. It is well past its sell by date and is holding Scotland back. The SNP believe Scotland and England should be equal nations – friends and partners - both free to make our own choices. Scotland can be more successful."
Holding Scotland back? Well I never! Just a read of Parsley's piece shows how the Scots have more in public spending than the English, how Westminster hands over £11 billion to support the country and the 59 Celtic MPs in office have more powers than the rest of the 529 in the house.
Good luck to fishy Salmon, who is deluded in believing Scotland could possible survive if deported from the nation. But deluded further is Parsley ,who not only is fitting the bills for the Scots to have a better quality of life with his £12 a year, but too reckons that Salmon could make this work.
Gordon Broon and his frownies may not be fit to lead politics but they are surely not stupid enough to see Salmon's independence plans make it past the recycling bin stage.
Terrible Tory Girls urges the public to sit and think why the Scots so readily jump ship to England. It's not for England's greenery, that's for sure!
The one sphere where Parsley and Salmon do not see eye to eye.
Out & Devout - News titbits from Canterbury
1) Mrs T Attacked By Charity Shop Boss
Canterbury's Red Cross shop lived up to its name yesterday as Terrible Tory Girl hit the high street.
An ill-advised trip to the charity shop resulted in the discovery of former prime minister, Margaret Thatcher's memoirs, marked at £3 for the hefty volume.
Buying the book proved to be a challenge as Terrible Tory Girl was £1 short. The British Cross did not accept card payment as there is a policy of £5 minimum.
After several seconds of pleas to Terrible Tory Girl's sister, Terrible Tory Girl reentered the shop with £5 cash.
The shop assistant immediately started cashing up the till, telling Terrible Tory Girl had to wait to make the purchase.
Ten minutes later, Terrible Tory Girl paid for the book and left the shop, empty handed of apologies.
All that for a Margaret Thatcher book. Sigh, what would Mrs T say?
2) City Readers Accuse MP of Elitism
Canterbury MP, Julian Brazier, who has made headlines after lending his support to save cricketer Hartley Alleyne from deportation, was accused of 'elitism' by city readers.
Readers wrote to the Canterbury's free-sheet, the Adscene, suggesting that the MP has only helped the former cricket coach because of his connection at the city's prestigious public school, St. Edmund's.
Brazier, whose two sons attend the school, however, has put his neck on the line for many of the city's citizens regardless of race, creed or social background.
Brazier's decision to take on Alleyne's case is just one example since Alleyne is Bajan and had an international career for 30 years before he worked at the school.
Terrible Tory Girl too is further evidence as Brazier fought to help her brother in the face of police misconduct.
Readers, leave that MP alone!
That's all folks. Stay tuned for the next newsbite, live at your screen, when Terrible Tory Girl next gets around to writing up her day's rants.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Spews On The News -November 1
Welcome to Spews On The News With the Right Dishonourable Terrible Tory Girl.
This year's halloween's tricks in the political world
1) CopyClegg: Boycott ID Cards
- http://www.politics.co.uk/news/opinion-former-index/culture-media-and-sport/clegg-vows-lead-id-card-revolt-$480734.htm
Beg Clegg does just what his nickname entails, begs his voters, apathisers to join him on his crusade to boycott the ID card. This sounds strangely familiar. Familiar in a blonde bombshell way. Now where have I seen this before? Hmm good question. Only of course, in the Tory ranks in the blonde beauty attributes of Mr Johnson.
CopyClegg, not content with copying jargon, look and oratory style of Cam, is sniping their policies too. What would Ming say?
To recap and refresh, see the bidding mayor and his idea of boycotting the ID card scheme…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZAAzSzleWk
Leadership material? What a pyramid of piffle. To quote the immortal Johnson and Boris, "the chances of [him] being leader is like Elvis being found on the moon or [him] being reincarnated into an olive." (Boris meant him, not Clegg but you see the point)
2) Dear Cam – My Heart Felt Question to the Tory leader
Conservativehome.com, proud to be the one pro- trendy Tory site to have the supreme Leader's approval, is set to have Cameron video blog log on the webpage.
Following their requests for reader questions, Terrible Tory Girl felt somewhat compelled to ask this of him:
Dear Cam,
I am a twenty odd Tory with TAD syndrome, Tory Affective Syndrome. Party faithful, I have delivered leaflets in the 'no man's (or woman's) lands' of my village, namely my council house neighbours and praised your name to high heaven in classes of ill-informed Marxists. With body and mind still in tact after two years in the left leaning capital, I ask what you plan to do to help support voters with TAD syndrome, a serious political disease which like moods, swing rapidly from one extreme to another. In my last transition, I found myself inspired by Broon and wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt. Please help!
Terrible Tory Girl
(Oh this wasn't MSN's 'Dear Pam'?, oh dear)
3) Piggy, Piggy Shall Not Be Moved
http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/134460.html
It's all lies, I tell you, all lies! Another gov scam to spoil the little fun us meaties endure after sinking our molars into juicy pig hind. Terrible Tory Girl's bringing in the bacon, trotters and all.
I propose a diet that consists of red meat and red meat alone - a more tasteful way to the route to death. Yummy. Oink.
4) For Christ’s sake, watch the Church!
You can take the pleb out of Christianity but you can't take the Christianity out of a pleb. Mess with the monarchy or our Lordy Bishops and feel my rage. PC PCs, you better watch it -God is omniscient, omnipotent, (not all smelling, that's just silly) and omni-there.
5) Blair 2: Go Now
We don't need another Blairo. Goodbye, farewell, aufwiedersehen, goodnight ot should we say Ate a vista/adeus?
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Spews On The News - October 30
Welcome to today's Spews On The News, brought to you by Terrible Tory Girl
1. Happy 405th Birthday Ming! http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2007/oct/29/clam -
Congratulations are in order for Ming! It would seem that the biology world haven't forgotten his two year reign as Lib Dem head - a 405 year old mollusc has uncannily been nicknamed Ming. Would this be a sneaky jibe at Campbell per chance?
2. The Copying Game: Irresponsible Journalism
Concerns of increasingly younger employees in the media have been realised after it was revealed that most of today's journos belong in the classroom.
Three reporters were seen bullying interviewees and tell-tale titting on national television broadcasts last night.
Cathy Newman, political correspondent of Channel 4, one of the accused, attacked Cameron for copying Sabre Party ideas. "You're just copying them aren't you?"
Julie Etchingham, of the popular Sky news crowd, giggled with pals of Blameron's immigration policy, deeming it as 'extermination.'
The other, a Paxmanophile, also on Channel 4, verbally lunged into Immigration Minister, Liam Byrnes, shouting 'Poles...poles...what about the Poles?' incessantly......
(Ed...And they say politics has gone to the dogs...looks more like the classroom to me)
(Ed. I retract that statement, it wasn't meant for broadcast. Sorry journo chums)
3. Millisand Stands Up Saudi King
David 'Brangelina' Millisand stood up his important date, King Abdullah, deciding instead to adopt a son. Millisand, who has since gone on paternity leave, claims the timing of the adoption was 'entirely coincidental.' As coincidental as the timing of the Labour leadership contest earlier this year and the foreign secretary job opening it would seem.
4. EngLand of Votes And Tory - http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article2759813.ece
Englots may be given the devolution franchise in years to come. Cam Cam and Scot Rifkind are up to their sleeves in paperwork for a bill to have only English MPs voting on English issues. While the Terrible Tory Girl herself welcomes such plans, there are a few hiccups to be cured.
1) What/who counts as English?
2) Considering most MPS are Scottish in Westminister, how could Scots vote on matters affecting their English constituencies?
3) And would these Scottish actually give the green-go ahead for this in the first place?
4) And if they did, wouldn't Scots and Welshies vote on the implementation of the bill thus defeating the whole point?
5) And if the bill were to be passed, where would the extra Britons go if there were to be a vote or debate in the commons - would they skulk in the corner like naughty school children?
6) And would Brown be able to give answers on English issues in PMQ?
5. EXCLUSIVE: Organic Food Is Healthier - http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/86972.php
Attention jacket potatoers, put down that ginormous, glutenous GM glazed doughnut and get munching homegrown greens. Scientists have discovered that organic food is in fact healthier than its non-fresh counterpart!
Apparently, perhaps thanks to financial incentives from organic companies, England's geniuses have proven organic food to be 40 per cent better than your run of the mill free range eggs or semi-skimmed milk.
Maybe that or perhaps that non-organic produce is pumped to the brim with chemicals and stabilisers has something to do with its unhealthy count.
To put it incolloquially or crudely, 'no shit, Sherlock.' Can I have a side order of real organic news?
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Treasury Island
Treasury Island
(Inspired by those irritatingly amusing Orange Ads at the cinema.)
Scene 1:
A producer goes to the Blue Caricature Board to pitch the revamp of the cult children’s classic, ‘Treasure Island’ on the big screen.
Pitcher: It’s a story of pirates, treachery, friendship and gunfights...
Terrible Tory: Ah sounds quite a lot like the Lib Dem fiasco. Minus the pirates, add several pent-up squabbling politicians and tah, dah, a modern adaptation of the child hit. I call it, Treasury Island.
Pitcher: But Treasure Island was written by Stevenson - there wouldn’t have been those looney left dum-dums nor a Treasury. It’s defunct.
Terrible Tory: I can see it now. An epic adventure across political stormy waters to track down the treasure - the parliamentary leader crown. And for the cast? Well Charles Kennedy can be the infamous Captain Flint with an apparent fondness for the rum (empty bottle motions) then there’s Campbell who’s a dead ringer for Billy Bones, Gillie Bones to you, geddit?
(pitcher frowns)… Ming, the ex-pirate, who checks into the Admiral BenBow, which can be changed for LibDemWoe, to hide from the one legged man. Leg, Clegg? It has a ring to it. Here steps/hops in Nick Clegg as Long John Silver - the protégé pirate...
Pitcher:… (Interrupts) But but…Nick Clegg is not a pirate. When do you see him out in the seven seas???
Terrible Tory: Seven Seas salt of course in the Commons canteen. Besides like that Island book by Robert whats-his-face, Clegg was keen to get his hands on that treasure. Even kill with his bare hands….Didn’t peg leg Clegg say he was hunting for the treasure even before the treasure was up for grabs? Fishy…
Pitcher: I don’t see how this is relevant. Campbell may be jibed for his age by the ruthless press, but he sure the hell wasn’t around in Stevenson’s time!
Terrible Tory: Modern day, pitcher! Get with the picture. (ha) So Clegg steps in as the role of Long John Silver, the popular and dashing pirate. Clegg’s perfect. He was voted sexiest MP you know? Even beating that Cameron one…maybe we can get him in this, as an extra..I like it.
Pitcher: We wouldn’t need him either! We need actors not politicians.
Terrible Tory: (Grins) Aren’t they the same thing? So where was I, yes, cast Clegg, then the main character James Hawkins, the other Liberal treasure hunter Chris Huhne.
Pitcher: Have you in fact read the book?
Terrible Tory: My boy, who needs books when you have film? So Huhne’s the impressionable teen pirate at the inn on Cowardly Street…
Pitcher: I believe the lib HQ is on Cowley Street and if you knew your politics, you’d know that Huhne is 53!
Terrible Tory: Good thing you’re here to keep to the facts. Wow, this film is sounding exciting.
Pitcher: (protests) But, but, the facts are that it is a Stevenson novel about pirates! Not politicians, not Clegg not Huhne. They’re not important! (screams)
Terrible Tory: (Ignores protests) Then there’s the part of Ben Gunn…the pirate abandoned on the island….we need a cheeky one, almost comical who was keen on the treasure in the past. I got it. Gosh, I’m a genius. Used to date a weathergirl off the telly and now a popster….
Pitcher: I think you mean Opik, but it wouldn’t matter because this film surprisingly wouldn’t have him in the cast credits either! Stick to the story. Stick to the script.
Terrible Tory: Don’t worry, I am. So, er, our hero Huhne, the shy and awkward Hawkins sets sail with Clegg and co. for the party prize hidden in the Treasury Island. Huhne meets Opik - bound to be a hit with the chick vote - who promises to help them.
Pitcher: Are we even reading from the same script?
Terrible Tory: So yeah, that Cable geezer can play Captain Smollett, who gets shot when Clegg and co turn out to be the demons, Lib Demons. Nice.
Pitcher: Have you even read the book, one page, one sentence? Hawkins finds out that Clegg, I mean, One Legged John Silver wants to kill them. (breathes sharply) Silver discovers he knows the truth and offers a truce, their lives for the route to the treasure.
Terrible Tory: Ya-di-ya, I get the picture pitcher. Our Huhney and Clegg get the treasure with the help of Opik. The next day, the treasure is gone and so too is Clegg…he’s run off to share it with Cameron!!
Huhne decides not to go looking for it again. The end. Fireworks. The works. Bravissimo.
Pitcher: That’s it, I’m off to Fox - even they could not destroy the book anymore than you. (storms off)
Terrible Tory: Shiver me timbers, pitcher, watch out for that plank!
Terrible Tory: (among colleagues) Wow that pitcher was nice. So what was the next film, a feature length of that kid clad tv whiz chef show - Big Cook, Little Cook - Big Crook, Little Cook ? What do you say to our prem starring and the late red haired Cook?….
DON’T LET FRANCESCA RUIN YOUR BOOKS. PLEASE SWITCH HER OFF.
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