'I Wanna Break You In Two' - King Gordy's Singing Debut

Away from running the country and hoarding tax payer's cash, our Premier hero has a secret second life - singing in this year's big sensation musical hit, 'The Bungle Crook' featuring all your favourites - 'Straw Can't' ; 'Daa'(ling) and not forgetting 'Blearoo.'

To celebrate the release of the production to showcase for the next two years in Westminister, we reveal a sneak peak at the lyrics which made King Gordy an international star- ' I Wanna Break You In Two.' -

The Bungle Crook - 'I Wanna Break You In Two'

"Now I'm the king of the taxers, Cam

Oh, the gov’ment VIP

I've reached the top and faced the chop

And that's what botherin' me

I wanna be a man, CamHub

And stroll right out the pound

And be just like the Euro men

I'm tired of the media hounds

(Chorus)

Aye, on PMQ

I wanna break you in two

I wanna make you black and blue,

Balk like you, too

You'll see it's true

A thug like me

Can learn to be Tory too

(Gee, cousin Tony

You did real good

Now here's your part of the deal cuz

Lap the secret on me of Cam's blue empire)"

Catch October 10th's Oscar nominated performance on the following link:

http://www.number10.gov.uk/output/page306.asp

(Terrible Tory Girl thanks Uncle Bunny for help with last stanza and paint-distortion - thanks, my dear.)

Stand Up, Pucker Up

Hello, boys, let’s get political.

I come to you from Tory towers, with a new kind of politics, guaranteed to get your heart racing involving these very lips.

As part of my personal policy plan, Stand Up, Pucker Up, I pledge to kiss any constituent who signs the week’s chosen petition.*

For a chance to get up close with your politician hopeful, sign http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/Election-year/

Over the coming weeks, I will be revealing more than just my pretty face but also what plans I have for you in the not so distant future.

Don’t get held down by detail, let me undress my policies to the bare minimum.

I desire to

· Strip away bureaucracy and red tape
· Take off taxes that hit hard the poor
· Shower good boys and girls with financial incentives
· Whip young adults and teens into shape with subsidised fitness courses


Drop me a line sometime,

Yours,

Terrible Tory Girl

XxX

* Constituents must have groomed lips, unchapped and must carry paper proof that they signed the petition. One kiss per constituent. The kiss cannot be exchanged for a sexual act but can be constituted with a hug.

Walter the Softy Takes Over Number 10

As Brown cowers from the poll he so readily publicised on his three month's election trail, I jump on the Private Eye bandwagon and spoof the PM in the Scottish comic strip the Beano. Meet Falter the Scotty


Scene 1 -Best Man Contest

Falter the Scotty talks to the Scotty gang, Alistair ”Sweet” Darling, Des “Bertie” Browne and Douglas ”Nightshirt” Alexander at Meano HQ

Falter: Sob. That menace Cameron with those blue and green stripes is bringing tears to my eyes. That speech, which I, of course did not sit glued to the television watching, has cost me votes - those votes I cleverly collected for three months with my curry favouring with those common voters. Oh Scotties have you a plan to silence and stop that Cameron in his right tracks? (knocks knees and trembles)

Nightshirt Alexander: Aye Falter, we Scotties know what’s best for the voters in the lowlands. The voters won’t be fooled by that genus menace and his numeric nonsense.

Falter: But the polls, Nightshirt. That callous Cameron may foil our policy plans. Have you seen the dastardly devilish Telegraph and the Spews of the World? He has already caught on to our conniving hospital reopening trick, our faked Basra order and our return to spin. (shivers and rattles jaw)

Sweet Darling: (rubs hands with glee) We could cancel the Best Man contest - you are undoubtedly the most brilliant, most gravitas ridden politician of our times - we don’t need a poll to prove that fact. (drools and touches Falter’s shoulder affectionately)

Falter: (Trembles, teeth chattering) But those terrible Tories under the menace will rat us out and accuse us of being sissies, chickens or worse, gutless. I can’t have my Scotty reputation dented by that mischievous menace.

Nightshirt: But prime Falter, retreating and turning tail will keep the Scotties in No 10. Those silly blue collars have always seen the Scotties as the compassionate, virtuous sanction. Plus, with our system of selective spin, those council resident drones will see the Scotties again in a favourable light.

Falter: Bertie Browne?

Bertie Browne: Ach no dear Falter. Every single day we deliver, we have the strength to change Britain… (trails off his earlier speech)

Falter: (Hisses) Bertie, now is not the time to ladel me with those lies. Do I stick to the poll plan or do I scarper with that hoarded £40 billion, the dear grown-ups have forgotten about?

Scotties: (Collectively putting their heads in the sand) Ach, nay poll.


Scene 2: Falter goes on Andrew Marr’s Show


Falter:(fidgets, simpers and whimpers) : No election, lads and gurls - I have a vision for change. Nothing to do of course with that green and blue striped menace. Besides, we would have won. That’s why we are not having a contest of this kind for another two years…you will have forgotten all about my bottler ways by then. Nightshirt, you’re sacked.

Little Blue Riding Hood

Once upon a time there was a dear young man named David, who loved the colour blue more than anything else. His clothes were blue, his views were blue and his heart was blue. The colour blue suited David so well that he became known as Little Blue Riding Hood.
One day, after ten years of high rates of income, inheritance and council tax, increasing state control and illegal warfare, Little Blue heard that the public were unhappy and so decided to cook up a home-made policy plan embracing the colour green as well as blue to try to cheer up the public.
But the Central Office did not like the colour green. Green, they said, would not relieve the public of their political blues.
With Brown Wolf already scooping up their smiles and cheers from the public, the Central Office did not think that Little Blue could make a difference.
Little Blue was sad but not defeated. He picked up his secret policy notes that he had hidden from the Brown wolf in fear that he may gobble them up for himself and set out for Blackpool.
As Little Blue entered the political jungle, he saw Brown Wolf but was not afraid. Little Blue said to Brown wolf. "So, Brown, what's it going to be? Why don't you go ahead and call that election? Let the people pass judgment on ten years of broken promises."
The Brown wolf smiled crookedly and produced from his pocket the favourable press coverage and the month’s political polls, with Brown Wolf higher in popularity.
Little Blue did not stir at the figures and replied, “If you treat [the public] like fools you don't deserve to run the country let alone win an election. We will win.”
At this, Little Blue continued on the right path, leading to Blackpool.
The Brown Wolf, however, keen to stay popular, speeded to the house of the public.
Rubbing his gruff claws in glee, he thought of a dastardly plan: to call back 1000 loved-ones from Basra which would stop the public listening to Little Blue’s idea of giving them more power.
As Little Blue thought up policies such as strengthening borders, putting more police on the beat, bringing back blazers and offering elite education, Brown Wolf had sneakily enticed the public through deception because he knew that an order to bring back Basra troops by Christmas would make the public forget all about Little Blue and forget about their desire for a referendum…

To Be Continued…

Will the public be saved from Brown Wolf? Will Little Blue rescue them from another ten years of spin, lies, taxes and control?

Find out in the next instalment of Little Blue Riding Hood.

Blah Blah Brown Sheep

A modern rhyme for modern times:

Blah Blah Brown Sheep, have you any hool*?
Yes cur** , yes, cur** three bags null,
One for the tax payer and one for the lame
And one for the little goy*** that lives down the plain.

By Terrible Tory Girl

*Hool – Estonian word for ‘care’
**cur – despicable man/mongrel
***goy – offensive word meaning Christian

Who Framed Policy-Dodger Rabbit?

The latest political buster to hit the newsstands:

The Mace Company (Conservative Party) has crumbled in the public company polls with both left and right fingers pointing at leader Policy-Dodger rabbit (Cameron) as the culprit for the organisation’s demise.

Policy-Dodger Rabbit, who has hired the likes of Goldsmith to push through controversial climate-celebrity-friendly policies into the ranks of the company, faces further cracks in his credibility, stabs in the back from his collaborator colleagues and worse, suspension in favour of wee Willie.

Policy-Dodger rabbit, who according to the Telegraph has pulled too many bunnies out of the hat, is due to be sentenced for his crimes of knocking the company to kingdom come with his unpopular green toffee-apple nosed views – Views that are not taken too kindly by the knife wielders and rifle-rad grassroots of the company.

“Sinister, power-hungry” Judge Broon has reportedly raised his prudent iron fist in exultation at the news.

Meanwhile, the Loon Patrol – underlings of the judge and weasel deserters - under close watch of Judge Broon, have been busy putting section two of a ‘one-company state’ into practice.

Section two, which sees the return of spin and style set office politics including the allegiance of all media platforms to the judge, has been happily accepted by both the Worcester women and the Joe Bloggs’ of the town.

A General Meeting in October may now be in Judge Broon’s card hand.

As Policy-Dodger rabbit picks up the pieces of his once high-flying career, model wife, Samantha Rabbit , has turned her attention to the platinum attributes of one Gwen Stefani.

It is believed by the residents of Broon Town that Policy-Dodger Rabbit allowed the company to sink after discovering Samantha’s new love.

We want to hear your views.

Who framed Policy-Dodger rabbit? Submit your conspiracy theories and liable statements here.

Muzzles and McCann related Musings

This week's rants:1) The McCann of Worms2) Muzzle Mauling Mutts3) The Veg Pledge



The McCann of Worms


Exhausted but not out of steam the people’s paper, the Express still limps on, foot shodden but able to scramble yet another exclusive on the Maddy can.

Disillusioned finally by the pro McCann national front or perhaps by rewriting the newsflash for the 131st time, the Express ran with ‘Madeleine’s body was in hire car.’

The McCann of worms is not an easy case to pick through to find the facts. But it would seem to be a one-win situation for the shark like police who take the American premise rather too literally - Guilty until proven innocent.

The McCanns, including the twin two-year-old-some Sean and Amelie, have become victims of their own making by the media - The twins face social services after 17,000 petitioned ; Kate and Gerry’s wife swapping and past aggression towards their children have been dragged into the limelight and even Maddy’s toy hasn’t escaped the menace media as police revealed its scent of death.

Yet with conspiracy theories circulating conversation from paedophilic parents to the great abduction hoax, what should we as a nation believe?

However hard we may try to trust the doctor pair are innocent, there is always a doubt nagging neurologically - the doubt that the duo may have somehow been involved.

There are questions left unanswered for the doubting Thomas’.



Where are the witnesses? Why is Mrs McCann always so immaculately dressed?

Why does she not share the same emotional or facial strain as Mrs Payne had showed?

Why was Maddy’s favourite toy placed on a shelf that she could not reach?

Why would responsible parents leave their children alone while they dined, let alone give them sedatives?

And why no babysitter?

Why are the twins barely with their parents?

Why was Muret seen carrying a blonde haired girl covered in a blanket?

Why did the McCanns ring the priest and press before the police?

What advantage would there be for British forensics to set up the McCanns?

Why did police dogs smell her corpse and discover DNA in the McCann hire car 25 days AFTER she had disappeared?

Why would parents, who knew they were innocent, use money raised to help find Madeleine, to get themselves a top dog lawyer?

Why did a butterfly land only on Mrs McCann during a visit to the pope? (if the reincarnation conspiracy theory is to be taken into account)



But the maths doesn’t add up entirely for their apparent guilt.

There isn’t enough evidence to convict them and any material found in use against them is deteriorating.

As written in an article in the Daily Mail last week, how could the McCanns, if involved, carry a corpse without being seen?

This, however can go against the McCann’s theory of an abduction.


Why was Muret questioned in the first place?

Why would the McCanns go to such lengths to get the media involved if they were guilty?

Why haven’t the Portuguese police taken away the death-smelling toy?

What about the parents in Portugal who were framed by police, unable to track down their child’s abductor?

Dead or Alive, Arguidos or innocent, the McCanns are in for one hell of a ride.

Let’s just hope it’s not in a hire car.


Muzzle Mauling Mutts


It’s time to muzzle man’s best friend.

The fate of Ellie Lawrenson, the five year-old whose windpipe met a grisly end between her grandmother’s pit bull terrier’s jaws, should have marked the tightening of laws, leashes and reins on our dogs.

Yet eight months later, attempts to outlaw dangerous dogs have fizzled out to a low bark, and even Chinese-style council laws to have one pet per home in state owned properties were dropped in fear of ‘classism.’

Ill-trained, mal-garded hounds are left to their own devices from harmless barks to the more severe, attacking passers-by.

And it is the latter that now demands the attention of all dog owners after a London man was viciously seized by a rottweiler in Earl’s Court and died at the hands of its owner.

And yet this man, who was brutally stabbed by the horrendous hound’s owner after a plea for a muzzle, a couple of days ago is still in need of mention in the media.

Following the disastrous result of the Dangerous Dogs Act of 1991, now under review, I, on behalf of lives lost by the unmuzzled, pledge my support to kit out each and every dog, irrespective of nature or breed.

Wearing a muzzle should be obligatory when out and about in the same way that a seatbelt is worn - to save lives.

£6 is but a small price to pay to protect your pet and to prevent potential pain to others.

As an owner of a terribly tame and playful two year old German Wirehaired pointer cross, I can hand on heartedly agree to muzzle my Zebedee.

Despite dogs having a canine rights act drawn up as we speak, the responsibility of care of the dog’s owner overrides any ridiculous suggestion that mutts have the right not to wear muzzles.

Since humans have not yet mastered the canine oratory skills, how can we possibly know what goes through a dog’s mind?

Be safe not sorry, muzzle your mutt.



The Veg Pledge

As a try hard balanced journo, I did try to avoid sniping at our dear PM but the latest policy to hit the newsstand screams of statist, propagandist lunacy and deserves attention, for all the wrong reasons.

PM Brown, not content on his wonder boy status in all things politics, has moved to social ground with a new electioneering technique, (perhaps for a snap Autumn election) - conning pregnant citizens with cash.

Not unlike his ingenious handout of a strangely similar handout to pensioners a few years back in exchange for votes, Brown is to offer pregnant women a £150 hand from the state.

And no, it’s not to help pay for essentials like nappies, but for healthy eating.

It does make me wonder whether a newborn or unborn could really appreciate Jamie Oliver style propaganda .

How can this payout for the Government’s propaganda prowess, in a baby world of nappies, injections, clothes and feeding, possibly provide any real help if its restricted to organic perishables?

There are several problems with their veg pledge - if a pregnant women consumed £150 of fruit, would it not invoke an overdose of vitamin C and perhaps a nasty case of scurvy?

How also will the state be able to ensure that the money is not spent on crack, drink?

Will the money be issued in food vouchers for big organic chains where a single, free range potato weighs in at £1?

Surely the Government should set aside their citizen control and encourage them to help themselves rather than reaching for the cheque book when the going gets tough?

Another 80 million down the drain to encourage our already booming baby makers to try again for another life. Well done Labour.